


Dissonance

by Dribbles



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: F/M, Links in Text, M/M, Music, Other, Slice of Life, Very Very Slow Burn, emotional cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-04-22 16:35:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 44,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14312784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dribbles/pseuds/Dribbles
Summary: Work is the drumming of a clock. Time, bound by metre. For these 20-somethings, life is about hearing music in the silences, about breaking form and finding the glittering fragments amongst the dissonance.





	1. Chapter 1

His breath catches on his throat. It’s always like this before he opens a door to an unfamiliar rumble of conversation. The sounds of haughty laughter filling his ears and words that seem to flow so easily from smiling face. It’s a wonder how many people can fit inside Amber’s tiny apartment, with its whitewashed walls, littered with a mosaic of collected, graphic prints, hiding fine cracks in the plaster. It's hard to see and there’s not much space with everyone gathered on worn, shaggy rugs and scratched floorboards.  
  
Yixing has only met his girlfriend’s cousin once before. Years ago at a family thing. Sunyoung had been so excited to get out of their place, barely managing a night out drinking with mates in a while. Well her friends at least. Yixing hasn’t managed to keep many. His family forced him to move to Korea when he was seventeen. Work reasons they said, but at the time he was adamant it was to ruin his life. Since then he rarely attended high school and sort of floated, not really interested in keeping up with algebra or whatever other useless shit he now knows, he still doesn’t need. But it would have been nice, to have a few buddies to catch up at a cafe or just play games with.  
  
Without Sunyoung, Yixing sometimes thinks his life would be completely uneventful. She was the most exciting person he had ever met. He doesn’t even know why she still likes him. A shitty education and a shitty job are all he has to offer. But for some reason, she doesn’t see the loser he sees staring back in the mirror.  
  
He whispered in Sunyoung’s ear that he needed the bathroom, but they both knew he just wanted a few moments to escape. Cold water splashes his face. He imagines the droplets carry with them his fears and insecurities, wishing they could just evaporate into the atmosphere. He takes a few calming breaths and gives himself a mental pep talk.  
  
“It’s just a party Yixing. You can stand it. For Sunnie”.  
  
It at least beats being hooked up to that suffocating headset, that fills his ears with hesitant voices and that obnoxious disconnection tone that will ring in his mind as he lays in bed trying to sleep as the sun comes up.  
  
Maybe he could sample it… Try some distortion after a time stretch? Fiddle with some bass hits. He has hit a brick wall making beats. Work is a shitty source of inspiration anyway. But it could be halfway decent…  
  
Right back to the party.  
  
He digs deep to find the confidence, and with a look that doesn’t scream get me out of here, he makes his way back out into the buzz of the room, when a familiar hand greets him.  
  
“Hey, Xingie! Remember Amber from my aunt's wedding?”  
  
Sunyoung is beaming at her cousin and seeing her happy causes a small smile to spread over his face. Amber goes in for a fist pump and slaps his back. Hard.  
  
Amber giggles out, “Of course, how could he forget the only person he talked to all night!” Yixing can’t help but flash an embarrassed grin. That wedding was a painful experience and longer than expected but having Amber there, they were able to dance the night away and make themselves look like complete idiots to the rest of their gawking family. But she assured them; they were very, very cool idiots regardless.  
  
“Hey”, he responds. “I remember you got me through your grandfather's incoherent speech. That man needed subtitles”, his delivery packaged in his usual dry wit that only comes out in small packages when he is most comfortable. He hopes she remembers it, only to speak back in Mandarin, “Between you and me he accidentally took a puff of my cousin’s joint thinking it was some herbal shit”. Hearing that language is like a secret between the two of them and it washes away any lingering, jittery nerves.  
  
“It would be great to hang out more now that I’m back,” Amber suggests.  
  
Sunyoung replies with a desperate, “YES! I’ve been deprived for too long of my favourite person”.  
  
“And what am I, chopped liver?” Yixing quips.  
  
“Sweetie, you should know your place, second is still very admirable,” her sarcastic smile is coupled with a sincere caress to his cheek.  
  
The malty taste of beer bubbles over their taste buds and soon the alcohol bubbles, warm through their veins. They scold Amber who shows them to the pathetic Smorgasbord board of chips and dips because they haven’t eaten yet. But forgiveness is kindly granted when she explains that she’s poor after spending her precious money on travel gifts for them both. She stealthy steers them to her bedroom to reveal what she believes to be an “enviable” transaction of novelty pens and key chains “carefully curated”, collectively from seven different airports. They can’t help but snicker at the dodgy craftsmanship, fuelled by that magical, alcoholic buzz.  
  
The night continues as they settle into a group of Amber’s old university mates. It’s a miracle but Yixing is actually having a blast with small talk. His nerves again calmed by Sunyoung’s gentle hand petting the small of his back. In this precious moment brimming with affection, Yixing slowly lowers his head on her inviting shoulder. Her auburn hair cropped just below her ears and now dancing across his skin. Amber is knee deep in a story about her life-threatening encounter with a mugger from New York when Sunyoung pulls him into a welcoming side-hug as his resting head shifts up the angle of her neck. He will never know why she keeps him around.  
  
He first met her in a similar circumstance. At another house party. She was this beautiful and vibrant person that for some reason shouldered her way through some pretty deplorable characters just to sit right next to him on this gross couch his roommates had found. He guesses in hell. A sharp yelp came from this stranger wearing giant, perspex hoop earrings that jangled against her rosy cheeks the moment her backside hit the cushions that felt like they were stuffed with metal shrapnel.  
  
“Shit are you okay?!”  
  
Yixing remembers her muted laugh. How she couldn't breathe. He looked on perplexed until a light snort made its way out of her scrunched up nose. That was the moment Yixing was smitten. No longer awkward, they carried on in a fit of laughter.  
  
Over the 5 years, they’ve been together their branches grew entwined into one single organism. That was until the dull reality of life set in and this fantastic dream of living together and setting their roots in place meant working all the time just to pay rent. The nutrients of time and togetherness began to dry up, unable to continue the customs they founded in their first few years. Work fucking sucks.  
  
They hadn’t realised it but it was already four in the morning and instead of going home they decide to crash at Amber’s. This night was a reminder of those small things that made each other happy. It ends with them mushed on a grey love seat, limbs dangling to the floor.  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
Two years at his crap job without a single pay rise. Talking shit about shit to people who don’t give a shit. He isn’t even good at sales. He reminds himself that he should count his stars because the only reason he still has the job is that his drunk boss told him at their Christmas party he had a cute butt.  
  
He remembers re-telling the awkward exchange to Sunyoung that night as they giggled breathlessly between soft caresses and kisses. Getting to share a bed and going to sleep at the same time is now a rarity. Fucking night shifts. Also, fuck the person who invented headsets. And fuck his crooked, fucked up posture. He tries to muster the last of his frayed energy to pull through another call. He needs to be confident and calm at all times. But regardless, it all gives Yixing a splitting headache.  
  
He rests his arms on his spacious, work desk. It's hard and chipped. There is no need to fill it up with trinkets from home or pictures of loved ones. This place is desolate and Yixing doesn’t want to make a home here. His boss is making her fourth, butt-swinging, sultry strut in the last twenty minutes tactically right past his desk. His interest never piques. Her shiny pumps gallop across the lino flooring and beat into Yixing’s mind like the ticking of a clock reminding him he still has an hour left of his shift.  
  
ARHHHHHH!!! Fuck! He will quit. He just needs to find something else. His CV is so fucking weak. A feeble thought. He is doomed forever to sit in this chair with the broken wheel and convince people to invest in life insurance because people love thinking about their own death. As he sits swinging ‘round and ‘round, fiddling with his pierced earlobe, a deep sense of dread seeps into his core and a frightening question echoes in the depths of his mind.  
  
“What the fuck am I doing?”  
  
Coming home is bittersweet. He unlocks the front door as quickly as he can retreat to their heavenly mattress. Before lulling to sleep, he gazes over the empty bed and softly pulls the covers over his bare shoulders. The sun is already up. This is his life. He’ll quit soon.  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
Saturday mornings like any morning are usually spent sleeping in. Yixing’s limbs are twisted around plain, cotton sheets like a snake coiled around a branch. The blinds are sealed tight so no trace of morning light can seep through. Sunyoung makes sure of it. Now that she has secured a promotion at work, weekends are finally free. So she takes up Amber’s offer to hang out more.  
  
They decide to spend hours searching through worn out and grungy second-hand stores. Amber always had a knack or style. While she settles on several big-shouldered 80’s blazers, Sunyoung finds an incredible pair of shiny, leather boots with pointed toes that could pierce the skin. It's a score for fifteen bucks. Back out in the mild, autumn air, sitting outside for lunch sounds like the greatest idea. They stuff themselves with gourmet burgers. What makes them gourmet, they have no idea. They figure it must be the fancy bread. Throughout their playful jabs, Amber knows her cousin is just waiting for the conversation to turn on her. She knows she needs it, having been away for so long.  
  
“So, it was good to see Yixing again. He seems the same.”  
  
Sunyoung replies with an apprehensive smile.  
  
“Is that the problem?” Amber knowingly responds.  
  
Sunyoung fidgets in her seat under the glaring sun, as if it's judging her for the thoughts that find their way out. She begins with a stuttering cadence, like a kettle about to boil over. “I think… moving in together… was like someone hitting this, giant pause button on our lives”. It's a sombre tone full of hesitant regret, “I sometimes think, Oh! We are only in our twenties and things can change. But when I look back on the last five years… I haven’t really done much.”  
  
Amber is abrupt and stoic in her undying support, “Hey! Don’t put down my big cuz like that. Your hard work and boss like attitude is what got you this promotion. And whether you like it or not, you are so, so talented Sunnie”. Amber looks directly into her eyes offering her encouragement, like they are facts, even when there is this tiny voice always telling her never to believe it.  
  
“Even if I wanted to start singing again, it’s way too late. I’m past my prime. My fine lines are starting to get fine lines”. She can’t find it in her to laugh at Amber’s obvious offence, hands fluttering about in defence. “For your information, you still look nineteen. I’m not saying you have to be some huge, mega-star but sometimes when you do something just for yourself, it can make life that little bit more precious.” Her expression now melted into a soft smile. “Like, travelling all by myself was the best gift I ever gave myself. I met like-minded people and learnt a lot about me”.  
  
Sunyoung starts her reply with a sigh, staring at the last, bite-sized piece of her burger, her stomach unwilling to ingest it.  
  
“It just feels like we are, frozen in time, but there is never enough, you know? I don’t really know what it's gonna take for things to change. Like... I love him as much as I always have but…there is nothing more I want, than for us…” she pauses and looks up, noticing thin wisps of cloud that paint a clear blue sky. Without realizing, tears blur her vision, “…to be happier.”  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
Yixing wakes up past midday. He opens the door and the sun’s warmth hits his face, squinting his eyes in slight annoyance. He is also confused at the sound of jolly chit-chat and follows it to the kitchen. In his half sleep state, his body acts on autopilot wrapping himself around Sunyoung and yawns out a good morning.  
  
“Your body clock is way outta whack dude!” Amber greets him with another strong smack to his bare shoulder. That sure pepped him up.  
  
Sunyoung turns around in his loose embrace, facing Yixing’s pained expression and playfully ignoring it. “Hey so we were talking and next time we are all free, we should do like a group hang. Amber wants us to meet her mate, it could be fun?”  
  
Yixing nods sweetly. “Yeah sure, I mean I had a good time at your welcoming party. And I guess work sucks too much, not to go out a bit more”. She proudly smiles at his openness and in her excitement cheekily remarks, “maybe work some charm on your boss. You might get a whole week off”. Yixing can only return a sarcastic laugh.  
  
“So… are you guys gonna cook for me?” He proclaims.  
  
Both Amber and Sunyoung’s cheery faces drop in an instant and turn to spear-like glares.  
  
“I guess that means I’m not getting breakfast in bed, huh?” he slowly unwraps his arms and tries to play it off with a self-deprecating shrug. One more ear-shattering smack breaks the silence. Sunyoung’s hand leaving another red mark on his arm to match Amber’s one. She gleefully looks at his suffering, on the brink of cracking up in jubilant laughter.  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
There are a couple more hours till Sunyoung finishes work. Yixing is sprawled out on their mattress. He promised to wash the sheets but forgot. Hopefully, Sunyoung will forget as well after a couple of beers tonight. The heat of his laptop is radiating through his jeans as it takes its place atop his lap, gaze focused, skin glowing with the screen's bluish light. Cold, industrial hits penetrate his eardrums as ambient synths drizzle themselves over the top end like a cold breeze that runs down his spine. Ethnic, midi flutes make up the finishing touches of a dissonant melody that changes up here and there.  
  
It’s always been a hobby of his, and the moment he started making money he was able to build a decent set up mostly with music software and a used sample controller. It's missing a few nobs and sports worn down finger, trigger pads but still functions.  
  
Yixing posts some of his stuff online and they get a few plays, nothing to brag about though. Maybe one of these days he’ll send them to someone in the industry. It always crosses his mind like a scared bird that always flies away. There is no guarantee he is even any good. Sunyoung thinks he is the next Richard D. James but he always responds with a shy, “that’s because you are biased”.  
  
Sunyoung is the one who has the real talent built right into her body. He hears her sing not enough as much as he would love to. He is lucky to get a light, humming a tune from behind the bathroom door. But he knows that asshole she dated fucked her whole perception of herself. He also knows it's hard to let go of the worst possible thoughts you can have about yourself.  
  
Fuck it’s almost eight. Less than twenty-four more hours and he is back at work. He’ll quit soon.  
  
Maybe.  
  
Shit, he also has to get ready for tonight.  
  
Shower.  
  
He only owns two pairs of jeans. Maybe wear the one without the ketchup stain.  
  
There is a pile of clothes that have taken hostage of one corner of their bedroom and it looks like the beginnings of an avalanche. A bunch of unwashed mugs are packed together like sardines on the nightstand, a wooden box they found on the side of the road. Yixing made sure to clean it up and gave it a half decent paint job. The walls are a soft, warm grey and they have a few photographs hanging up by hardened Blu-tac. They’re a bit dusty but still hold the memories of their first selfie. They both blinked the moment the shutter went off. It was fateful and therefore a treasure to keep forever.  
  
There is also a bunch of family gathering and birthday festivities. The most recent being from the last time they went to the beach and that was already six months ago. It's a humble abode they managed to score. They shared the excitement of finally not having to deal with dorms and roommates. They could finally be together, alone and not answer to anyone.  
  
Maybe he should tidy up…tomorrow.  
  
Yixing fishes out a sweater and his vans, crumpled and hidden behind the door hanging ajar. It's a rush to the train station where Sunyoung excitedly waves him down standing next to Amber tying her shoes. Sunyoung is wearing her new boots. Tonight should be fun.  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
It was a tough call but they all decided on BBQ. Big surprise. There is a new one Amber tried out recently that’s only a decent walk away, and she assures them it's bangin’. Amber is super hyped too because they are going to meet up with one of her best friends, Baekhyun, which Sunyoung still refuses to comprehend when she is standing right there.  
  
“It doesn’t count cause we are blood-related,” Amber jests. Their banter pops and crackles satisfyingly in Yixing’s ears. Amber is like the honey easing herself into the cracks of their relationship. Sunyoung is just so much lighter in her tone, her usual lethargy soaked up by the warmth and energy of her cousin.  
  
Yixing remembers Sunyoung telling him that she always wanted a sister growing up. Then when she was eleven years old, her cousin from Taiwan was moving into the neighbourhood. They were inseparable. Sunyoung also helped her a lot when Amber told her parents she was asexual. She didn’t understand it immediately but she knew that she had nothing but unconditional love for her. She promised Amber that she would learn about it and support her regardless. Amber’s parents didn’t take it well and that was partly why she travelled so much. Amber gives them the rundown, as they get closer to the restaurant, each of their steps falling into a synced up rhythm.  
  
“I started in Japan, then over to south-east Asia, Australia then a cross-country trip with Baekhyun to the U.S. which was a dream. I couldn’t survive without him. Literally. He was the one that told me to work in a bar, ‘cause I was running out of the inheritance money. Now, just call me Brian Flanagan”.  
  
The clicks of her phone echo through the busy streets and parrots her messages, “Baekhyun is already there so he’s got a table”. A collective WOOOOOO! Helps Yixing relieve some residual tension clinging to his chest. He always gets like that when meeting new people. They would have met already at Amber’s party, but he promised to have dinner with his parents.  
  
His thumb and index finger nervously fiddle with his earring. Sunyoung notices and gives him a confidence-boosting squeeze around his torso, locking his limbs in place. “This is it!” Amber yelps out. Through the front window, he can spot a lone figure faced towards his phone and pulls it up to his ear. Amber’s phone rings nanoseconds later as she answers and laughs into the receiver.  
  
“Yah! We’re outside spying on you!”  
  
Yixing sees a frizzy head of hair whip itself towards them. He can see why they are good friends. Both warm and friendly faces graced by sincere smiles. Maybe tonight won’t be too bad. His fingers retreat from his earlobe and place them on the chilled surface of the glass door.  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
Over two frivolous hours, they fill themselves with succulent beef and their bodies are slightly loose from the chilled beer and Soju. They are satisfied but the company is what makes them want to prolong the night. Yixing keeps mostly quiet, preferring to act as an audience to the brash banter that bounces from the two, boisterous friends sitting opposite. Sunyoung can’t wipe away her smile; her giggles and snorts sparkle over the warm atmosphere.  
  
Filling up his mouth with another delicious helping, Yixing gulps down an unwavering thought that he hasn’t really been that beacon of joy the way Amber magically is able to be. It passes like a racing car, too quick to linger but loud enough to take notice of. The last time they went out together was the cinema and she was in a constant battle between keeping focus and the allure of sleep. The movie was shit anyway.  
  
This nauseous weight of guilt collects at the base of his gut. It’s subtle, only slightly eased by yet another burning shot of alcohol down the hatch. Yixing looks on again with slight envy crackling at the corners of his mind when Amber and Baekhyun so easily make conversation flow. His festering silence is doused though when the current surprisingly motions to him.  
  
“So Yixing, Amber mentioned you work the graveyard shift too.” Baekhyun preforms this social gesture with dramatic charm, turning the volume up on the angst. Yixing’s eyes light up with amusement from behind fluffy tufts of his dark bangs. He tries to match Baekhyun’s level of theatrics but quickly calms. Shy and soft-spoken as always, he replies, “Ah, it's the worst. But the pay is good so it beats getting the dole”. Baekhyun nods in total agreement. “I used to work at a call centre too for like two days. My boss hated me because I was making up shit to customers like we sold monster dildos and sex swings.”  
  
Yixing gawks at his ballsiness, “I could light the whole office on fire and my boss would never fire me.”  
  
“I wouldn’t either with puns like that,” he teases. “Do you want to quit? I bet you are like super duper multi-talented!” Yixing can only laugh as if it's a joke. Baekhyun doesn’t seem to want to believe him and continues on.  
  
“Any hobbies then?”  
  
Meanwhile, Amber and Sunyoung are in their own bubble of nostalgia, remembering stories from high school. Yixing overhears the one about the boy everyone knew liked Sunyoung because he handcrafted her birthday cards covered in naive illustrations of Pokemon.  
  
He bites his bottom lip as he stumbles through his words, “I… make music. Sometimes.” Baekhyun’s soft eyes brim with curiosity, “OOooo! I didn’t know that. What kind?”  
  
“Just like beats nothing too impressive I assure you.”  
  
It's his habit to downplay everything about himself. The fear of failure is a shadow that has always followed him. But Baekhyun is not afraid of the dark and trudges on through the mist of Yixing’s doubts. His body lurches forward with his chin perched atop a closed fist. His smile is warm again as he peers through his circular wire frames.  
  
“So like hip-hop beats or…?”  
  
The pause brings Yixing’s gaze back up from staring at his sauce, smeared plate. Usually, when people ask about his music, he’ll answer with nonchalance hoping dialogue will kick back into something far more interesting. He is slightly perplexed at his persistent interest. However, it somehow urges on the embers of his belly, now a gentle fire that warms his body and melts away any discomfort.  
  
“Nah… more like electronic beats I guess you could say. Sometimes I just play around and try making something different that I haven’t heard before… I like…very minimal production…ambient, repetitive but like... trying to make the listener feel, I dunno like a strange atmosphere, somewhere desolate, but like you can feel another presence nearby…” his rant is slightly impassioned raising his gentle hands in a codified dance trying to illustrate his unrehearsed thoughts.  
  
“You mean like unsettled?” Baekhyun offers.  
  
Yixing returns an understanding smile, like from a cloud of misshapen words he was grasping at, Baekhyun was able to pick out the exact one. “Well, you have only made me more intrigued. You are now obliged to show me sometime, okay?”  
  
Maybe it's the company, but Yixing doesn’t think that’s such a bad idea. Baekhyun fills their glasses again and they clink to their pact.  
  
Walking back to the bus stop, they pair off again, Amber and Sunyoung leading the group with linked arms and making up for time lost. Yixing trails behind with Baekhyun keeping warm from the chilly air with a beanie. His ears poke out, rosy-tipped, paired with a sniffly, red nose.  
  
Yixing relishes in the prickling cold as goose bumps form and make him feel high. Their footsteps fall in line when Yixing turns his head to ask, “ah! You said you work nights too right?”  
  
“Way to bring the mood down,” Baekhyun jokes. “I work for a venue as a server and occasional cleaner for random events like weddings and corporate gigs so the hours are weird. Late nights mostly.”  
  
“That sounds way more exciting than being stuck in an office looking at nothing but a patch of mould on the ceiling.”  
  
“Shit Yixing. I’d bolt out of there. Death by call centre sounds like the worst way to go.”  
  
Yixing lightly smacks his shoulder in jest, slightly surprised by how comfortable he feels. Never has making a friend felt as easy and delightful as breathing in the fresh, ocean air.  
  
Yixing is propelled to keep the conversation afloat, “So is this like your dream job? Sorry I ask...” he continues on with an apologetic utterance of, “...I mean I hate when people ask me”. Baekhyun smirks and says reassuringly, “It’s fine for now. I had the job while at university, and it stuck to me after I graduated and didn’t know what the hell to do. I’m also pretty good with people. Otherwise, I just heavily judge the inebriated ones. Corporate drunk dudes are cringe as fuck.”  
  
Yixing is compelled to know more, to prolong the bubbling giggles that are a constant throughout their conversation. “And what did you study? I was crap at school so I never got to go.”  
  
Baekhyun’s eyes seem to flinch, like something that he said stung slightly like a tiny paper cut. Yixing waits for an answer while staring at the gnawing of Baekhyun’s lips, dry from the wind.  
  
“I did the most bullshit degree ever invented…Arts…bleh!” Baekhyun is all of a sudden hyperbolic and punctuating every second word with animated hands. They create miniature gusts of wind, coaxing Yixing’s fire alive.  
  
“Like, I only did it because my grades were decent enough. In hindsight, I should have switched degrees, but my parents wanted a graduate in the family and I didn’t want to be there any more than I had to." He turns his head slightly to Yixing and hunches his back at a particular nippy gust of wind. "What would you like to study if you could?”  
  
Hearing Sunyoung’s stories of her university days would always conjure an imaginary past, where Yixing could meet up with her on an autumn afternoon and grab coffees in between class. He ponders the question and answers with his innate hesitance. “Maybe something like…sound production or engineering. Being able to know more and like be more confident in it would be cool…I guess.” The sounds of their sneakers scrape against the damp concrete path and fills up the silence. It must have sprinkled during dinner.  
  
Yixing’s averts his gaze from Baekhyun’s curious one as if racking his brain for something while dragging himself along distracted by his feet splashing small puddles. A thought hits Baekhyun like a bolt of lightning and his expression bursts with recognition.  
  
“Yah I remember catching up with this guy I went to high school with who does something similar, I think like gaming soundtracks?” He pauses to sniffle. “Anyway, he did some short courses at a technical college. I could find out for you if you want?”  
  
Yixing hides his fuzzy gratefulness behind a soft hum and shoulder shrug. Illuminated fingertips patter across Baekhyun’s slightly cracked phone screen. He assures he will put in a reminder just in case. It could be good to study a bit. Something he thinks he has a mild interest in. It could be expensive though. Shit, he really needs to find a better job.  
  
“Yo! you guys hurry up the bus is coming!” They are suddenly broken out of their chatter hearing the girl’s desperate cries. Both bolt barely missing the doors closing, panting out the last remaining laughs of the night.  
  
 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

_Baekhyun created a group chat:_

  
  
BB: Heeey!! We gonna do dinner again soon? I haven’t eaten since and I’m famished. GET ME THE FOOoooD!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  


   
AL: You better be grateful I feed you at all with that attitude

  
   
  
BB: *fully bows*  
  
 

  
  
AL: I accept your humble apologies  
  
   
  
SY: YAAAAY I really wanna go again work has been tedious need Amber time  
  
 

  
BB: *cough cough* I’m right here  
  
 

  
SY: you are a close second  
  
   
  
YX: *cough cough* I thought I was second?  
  
   
  
SY: I see you! (he just came through the door)  
  
He says he wants the food too!  
  
   
  
AL: Cool. We should hit up the same place tonight if we are all free  
  
   
  
SY: YES AND YES (he is in the shower)  
  
 

  
  
BB: AYE AYE! CAPTAIN  
  
   
  
   
  


   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
“… Amber is like, busting for the toilet and forces me to pull over in the middle of nowhere. So while she is like pissing off the side of this mountain, I’m waiting in the car. After a couple songs finish I’m like, surely she isn’t attempting to fill up the entire canyon so I go out and look for her. That’s when I hear this frantic whisper from right above me, “Shhh Baek. Don’t come any closer! It's staring right at me and I think it wants to murder me.” I was all, WTF has she accidentally ingested magic mushrooms on her way to find a rock to squat behind? When I slowly peer over to the other side of the tree that she somehow managed to hoist herself onto, to see this fucking giant moose she thinks is ready and waiting to impale her with its giant antlers. I froze thinking holy shit it's looking right at me, but in that same second it turns and starts to walk away leaving this huge dump behind. I couldn’t contain myself. Laughed my ass off. Literally pissed my pants right through, while Amber kept yelling at me to help her get down. Like, I was scared shitless you shit. I don’t know what moose do! Anyway, I had to wear her underwear for the rest of the car trip.”  
  
Amber grabs his shoulder with a heavy hand pulling him in to declare “TRUE FRIENDSHIP!” glass high in the air grasping her shot of Soju. Throughout Baekhyun’s story-time, Sunyoung and Yixing followed every beat, instantly swelled into a state of delight, laughing along as if they were right there leering above at Amber’s panicked cries. Sunyoung catches her breath after a fit of laughter squeezing tears from her screwed up eyes, “Ahh, I’m so jealous! Not of peeing on myself, but I’d love to travel. I really wanted to go after uni,” her regret performed by a drunken pout. Amber share’s the sentiment wanting desperately go somewhere again.  
  
“Don’t worry cuz, I got you covered. Next time I’m taking you.”  
  
“YAHH! I always, always, always wanted to go to Europe!”  
  
She is gleefully hyped imagining the Hermitage in Russia, posing with soldiers at Buckingham Palace and gaping over Pairs from the top of the Eiffel tower. Baekhyun smiles at their excited exchanges planning out possible places to visit together. He turns his eyes over to a pleasantly serene Yixing, also admiring them with a heavy head resting on an open palm. The last couple of times they’d all hung out he recognized Yixing's inclination to sit quietly, observe and take in rather than dominating the conversation. The total opposite of the rest of them. And just like every other time he decides to initiate.  
  
“Have you travelled much Yixing?” the question ending in earnest curiosity. With drooping eyes and a stern expression Yixing turns and says, “I’m from China Beakhyun…”  
  
An awkward pause encases them in ice until Yixing snickers breaking the cold facade. Baekhyun argues he lightly kicked him under the table. After checking for a bruise, Yixing reverts back to his sheepish self. “Nah, like Sunyoung I haven’t really had the opportunity yet.”  
  
Talk between them resumes to its natural ease. Yixing always seems hesitant at first and Baekhyun is figuring it out, mentally unpicking the patterns of his speech, the nervous fiddling of his earlobes and the impish humour that appears when the atmosphere is relaxed. “And if you were to choose to go anywhere?” the anticipation filling Baekhyun up like a balloon.  
  
“I dunno, maybe like…urrrr…hmmm…aahhh…Antarctica?”  
  
“Did you just say the first thing that popped into your head?” he says, very unimpressed.  
  
“No… the third.”  
  
Yixing morphs back to his serious, stoned expression. It earns him another very gentle whack of shoes against his shin. Very pleased with himself, Baekhyun steals the last piece of meat resting on the grill.  
  
“Excuse me?” Yixing, never faltering in his scolding act.  
  
Baekhyun chokes on his maniacal laugh.  
  
“One-word Baekhyun... Karma”.  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
 _1 new Message:_  
  
BB: It's very aptly called a Diploma in Sound. It’s at the technical college in the city. It covers engineering, AV stuff and you get full access to their studios too. It sounds like it's made for you  
  
 

  
  
YZ: cool  
  
 

  
  
BB: woah there! calm down don't get too excited  
  
 

  
  
YZ: sorry I’m just distracted at work  
  
 

  
  
BB: my condolences  
  
Here is the < _link >_  
  
 

  
YZ: Thanks, ill check it out  
  
Oh shit!

  
   
  
BB: whaa?  
  
 

  
  
YZ: this woman on the phone is crying! what do I do? I mentioned death and she broke down  
  
I think her brother died  
  
 

  
  
BB: CAPITALISM MEANS NO TIME FOR HUMAN SYMPATHY YIXING  
  
 

  
  
YZ: you are a heartless jerk  
  
 

  
  
BB: But actually, don’t think that I’m really a heartless jerk because I make my grandmother scrapbooks of all our family trips together  
  
   
  


YZ: really?  
  
 

  
  
BB: yes really  
  
 

  
  
YZ: cute

  
I suggested it to the sad lady and she thought it was a really nice idea  
  
 

  
BB: OMG I just changed someones life Now I know what Oprah feels like  
  
 

  
YZ: wait aren’t you working?  
 

  
BB: yeah i “needed the bathroom” but really am taking an unofficial break I should get back though  
  
bye bye bye  
 

  
YZ: see ya then :)  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
 

  
   
  
Amber’s phone, filtered voice doesn’t do much to mask her excitement. Sunyoung relays in real time their conversation to a reclining Yixing, phone screen hovering over his face. She leaps across the open living room, reaching the kitchen as she twirls and jumps on the spot. “OMG! Amber says she won tickets and Solange is playing! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Yes! Yes! Yes!”.  
  
Yixing watches on softly amused as she punches and performs high kicks in the air. When Sunyoung is elated it feels like a ball of flubber that bounces around, never losing momentum and knocking down things in its path. She hovers over him and swats his phone away. With a light sarcastic flair to her voice, she tries to let him down easy. “I’m really sorry Yixing, but our group dinner will have to be sacrificed.” Never wanting to douse her impassioned pleas, he giggles out an “of course”.  
  
“AH! Maybe you should ask Baek out too. We’d technically be carrying on our tradition.”  
  
“Saying tradition after three months is a stretch, but you make an excellent point.”  
  
He raises his phone again bringing up his chat log:  
  
   
  
 

YX: We are going out tonight *_*  
  
 

  
  
BB:  
  
Yes, please!!!!!!! I’m now renouncing my best friend Amber in favour of NEW best friend Yixing!!!  
  
 

  
  
YZ: I’m sure I can never compare but I’ll try my best  
  
 

  
  
BB: CAN you believe she said I don’t have the brain capacity to appreciate good music?  
  
BIETCH IT FREE I DUNT CARE!  
  
also, id like to nominate bowling that way I can self medicate this betrayal with gross pizza.  
  
 

  
  
YZ: I’ve actually never  
  
 

  
  
BB: ...Excuse me YOU'VE NEVER EATEN PIZZA!!?!?!??!??!???!??!???!??!???!  
  
 

  
  
ZY: No. I’ve never bowled. Duh ~_ ~  
  
 

  
  
BB: Zhang Yixing, don’t EVER do that to me! I LITERALLY had a mini heart attack the pizza I eat probably doesn’t help  
  
 

  
ZY: nothing life-threatening, please  
  
What if I get impaled by a rogue ball?  
  
 

  
BB:  
  
trust me it’s not that bad :P  
  
 

  
ZY: ewww please no more random hook up horror stories. I think I had a nightmare about the guy with back hair  
  
 

  
  
BB: I wish I took pic!!!! You are the only one who believes me that the image of our Lord Jesus Christ was staring at me while I was humping the 2nd coming of the Messiah  
  
… pun intended  
  
 

  
  
ZY: no pizza for you!  
  
 

  
  
BB: awww but moooOoM!  
  
 

  
  
ZY: What time is good for you?  
  
 

  
  
BB: maybe like 7:30? we can go to the one near the mall  
  
 

  
  
ZY: cool see you then Baek!  
  
excited to lift heavy objects to knock other ones down  
  
 

  
  
BB: you make it sound so aggressive when they provide that dainty air con for sweaty hands  
  
 

  
  
ZY: I literally have no idea what that is  
  
 

  
  
BB: wow, you really are an alien and don’t know anything about bowling BUT I am impressed by your ability to communicate in human languages. The other aliens must be super jealous. Their special skill must be bowling. OMG WHAT IF every professional bowler is actually a REAL LIFE ALIEN and instead of government agencies like everyone thinks, they are actually infiltrating the inconspicuous field of bowling in order to take over the world!!!! And as a fellow alien with the capability of human speech, you should be warning us all of our impending doom! YIXING I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THAT!! WE ARE ALL GOING TO BE IMPALED BY A HAIL STORM OF BOWLING BALLS FUUUCCKKK!!!

  
   
  
ZY: I really appreciate the time and effort you put into that last message.  
  
 

  
  
BB: you have no idea how hard I try :) CYA!  
  
 

  
  
ZY: cya :)  
  


   
  
   
  
   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
Knackered and slumped into the back seats of a humming bus, Yixing and Baekhyun end a night filled with stuffing themselves with anything fried, laughing over Baekhyuns’s cheap attempts at cheating and simultaneous suspicious teasing, unwilling to believe Yixing could win at bowling when he’d never even stepped inside an alley.  
  
It’s late now, the dark feeling much too normal to them both. It's always a serene stillness. Rarely do they experience the city filled with busy figures and the incessant roaring of traffic. Baekhyun takes up the seat right at the back and selfishly reclines with legs up and rests his head in a comfortable nook. “I usually skate back home from work ‘cause I can just cruise down roads and not worry about someone running me down.” Yixing turns to listen as he parallels the same position on the seat in front, feet dangling off the end. He can feel the vibrations of the bus ricochet through his whole body, easing him into a haze of contentment and a vague sense of lethargy rising on the horizon.  
  
“What time do you usually finish up?” he asks, kind of hoping it falls within the final hours of his own workday. “Four in the morning, sometimes five. It depends cause the staff usually just hang around to eat leftovers. I honestly think the bottom of my food pyramid consists mostly of wedding cake and pizza”, Baekhyun jokes rubbing his belly as if its the most precious thing.  
  
At that, Yixing peps up like the tiny popping of candy adding, “me too! I mean I also finish around then”. Both smile at the coincidence and Baekhyun doesn’t hesitate to suggest they should bus it home together or, “maybe I’ll teach you how to skate. I feel like seeing you fall would bring me great joy,” he laughs imagining flailing limbs.  
  
Yixing attempts a punishing punch on the shoulder punctuating, “which makes you very evil.”  
  
“AH! You jerk I was only joking,” trying with all his theatrical flair to gain Yixing’s sympathies. And like the melting of soft wax, so too does Yixing, but continues to play off their banter, assuring him he deserved much worse.  
  
The bus makes a stop and a young teenage couple clambers on. They think they are discreet with their affection, but they can’t hide from the two friends trying desperately to downplay their playful ridicule. Baekhyun leans forward to whisper, slightly ticking the fine hairs of Yixing’s ear, “holy shit I think he is trying to remove her molars with his teeth. I don’t think she understands that that isn’t a kiss but a dentist appointment.”  
  
Yixing’s deep laughter punctuates the empty bus. He can’t help but crack up at all of Baekhyun’s jokes. His lost composure frightens the couple into a panicked split, but their embarrassment doesn’t stop them from giggling under their breath, still trying to sneak tiny glances at each other and entangling their fingers.  
  
Baekhyun flits his attention from the couple, back to his nostalgic filled friend. In a small moment of fatigue, he leans back and imagines the couple replaced by them. It’s silly but he hides his amusement with breathy giggles at the thought of suffocating Yixing with his naive kisses. The sound breaks Yixing out from is daze and turns to him to question, “what are you laughing about now?” He decides to keep the foolish scene a secret behind a friendly grin.  
  
“You’re face,” he smiles again, “you look like someone stole your candy”.  
  
“Well you do owe me five jelly worms”  
  
“I medically needed those though”  
  
“Tell the judge, you thief”  
  
“I’ll make it up to you”  
  
“How?”  
  
“With the best, toasted sandwich you’ve ever had”  
  
“And what does the best grilled sandwich consist of then?” Yixing haughtily questions as he pinches Baekhyun’s arm. He can’t get the best grip over the thick layer of his puffy jacket, swishing with the movement as Baekhyun pulls his arm away in defence and warns, “If you promise to stop hurting me I’ll tell you all my secrets.”  
  
“You are equally as violent,” he tries poking him instead.  
  
“FINE”, Baekhyun relents too easily for show. He turns serious as he illustrates each step with a firm hand in the air, “First you need bread. Obviously. Then a good chunk of some good cheese. Like, ‘I-want-marry-the-cheese,’ good. Also, a very important step is to butter the outer sides of the bread and cook it on a pan. Salt and pepper is also a must.”  
  
“Shit, now I’m hungry,” Yixing whines, nursing his belly. Baekhyun’s grin stretches out as his fights back a deep yawn.  
  
“You tired?” Yixing asks, knowing the answer that comes in a flimsy nod. Like the gentle shifting of clouds, their talk dissolves to silence as the hum of the bus takes over. Yixing’s eyes turn to the blurry images that pass by, like blurry thoughts that nudge his gaze away from a now sleeping Baekhyun. The bus comes to a jolting halt and Yixing comically shakes him, startling him out of his addictive sleep.  
  
“Asshole” Baekhyun jests, voice still dulled by narcosis. They peer through the scratched out windows, inscribed with black marker and determine their stop. It marks the middle point of the symmetrical intersection. The mirrored, tree-lined paths both leading back to each other’s homes, living only a few blocks away. As they stagger out, they pass the loved-up teens and thank the pudgy bus driver that’s listening to late night disk jockey’s ramble on about political correctness. As the bus pulls away slowly, they notice the couple attach themselves back in a grossly, passionate lip lock.  
  
There is a cool breeze now, jostling branches and leaves that seem to whisper through the empty streets. Its murmurs breeze past their ears as if telling them to stay just a bit longer. Baekhyun’s drowsiness droops his expression and Yixing feels the cool air numb his fingers, but they still don’t budge. It’s way past midnight when Yixing checks the time, seeing a text from Sunyoung filled with emojis and a smattering of words expressing nothing but excessive praise at the concert.  
  
“This was actually fun. And don’t feel too bad you lost,” Yixing finally says, taking a page from Amber’s book and whacking Baekhyun’s arm with a firm hand.  
  
“Fuck off! I let you,” he rebuttals, rubbing at the impact but smiling, knowing its punishment from all the times he kept trying to tickle Yixing’s neck on his turn to bowl.  
  
“You can’t let someone get three strikes in a row Baek.”  
  
“Newbies luck. Next time I’ll destroy you!”  
  
They call out, the direction of their voices travelling the opposite of their feet, playful jibes that become an echo and bleed into a windy whisper of the trees.  
  
“You’ll have to knock me out first!”  
  
“Yeah with my bowling balls!”  
  
“You fucker!!”  
  
“I’m sorry I would actually never!”  
  
“I know!”  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
~  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
Well, that had to be the worst fucking shift to date. Yixing had at least four random assholes give him an ear full of their bullshit, while he tried to politely rattle on with the obnoxious sales pitch:  
  
“…We know it can be hard to think about your own life, but think of your loved ones and how much you’d like them to consider the best life insurance policy on offer. We at White Light Insurance, offer the best policies to you, knowing it’s what your loved ones would want for you... blah blah blah”.  
  
His boss seemed to have been in a foul fucking mood, telling him off for poor performance. As if it’s ever satisfactory. One more shit filled workday like that and Yixing is throwing in the towel for good.  
  
Finally, he is out of that asbestos filled office, and steps into a winter night, the frosty air cooling his raging temper second by second. He’s rugged himself up with a fluffy hooded parker he bought years ago, a tear along the hem and layers it over a sheep's wool, lined denim jacket. It’s all he’s got to avoid chattering teeth. After twenty minutes of static bopping up and down, he finally sees Baekhyun appear from around the corner. Relief washes over him at the sight of his friend’s genuine smile. Warm. Baekhyun makes for the incoming bus with a slight jog, Yixing yelling back “come on you bastard!”  
  
They take their regular seats on worn leather as Baekhyun catches his breath, pulling his black beanie off to fan his flustered face. “Shit. Sorry, I was running late but the excuse is really bad”. He plops down in his seat and rests his forearms on the steel bar in front. Yixing lazes his head back on the shaky window and bends his neck to stare at his apologetic friend, “lay it on me.”  
  
With a deadpan look, Baekhyun starts his rant, “So… One of my workmates did not know when to shut up when he started talking about Game of Thrones. He successfully and with minute detail I add, spoiled five seasons I now don’t ever have to watch. I might give it a couple of years and hope my brain forgets the vivid mental picture he so graciously painted for me”.  
  
Yixing nods with sarcastic understanding, “you’re right that is a bad excuse.” Baekhyun lowers his chin to his sprawled out forearms, leaning forward with a cheeky look to say, “I knew you wouldn’t forgive me easily”. Yixing’s gentle hand ruffles his hat hair back into its usual curly mop, feeling residue sweat cling to his palm but doesn’t do anything to rid it against his jeans. Instead, Yixing lets it subconsciously soak into his skin as he playfully jabs at Baekhyun further. “I could always stretch out this punishment longer and catch you up of the rest. I was sick for like a week and binged watched the whole thing. I was delirious by the end.”  
  
“You didn’t like it huh?”  
  
With a finger pointed into the air, Yixing states, “it was probably nausea from the fever that made it a painful experience.”  
  
“Well we can all thank Kevin then for saving me from making your same mistakes”  
  
“I wish I had a Kevin”  
  
“I’ll gladly give you mine then”  
  
“I’ll promise to get you something equally as good”  
  
“How about you let me organize your laptop!”  
  
“Organized chaos? Ever heard of it?”  
  
“Bullshit! It’s a fucking jungle in there."  
  
"This coming from someone who leaves dirty dishes in their bathroom"  
  
"Come on...Please, please, please! Or do you have like a bunch of weird porn you don’t want me to see?”  
  
“No! I actually don’t watch porn thank you very much”  
  
“I don’t think I can keep being friends with a pathological liar Zhang Yixing!”  
  
“I’m deadly serious Byun Baekhyun,” he returns a challenging stare. Baekhyun is honestly baffled at the idea that a human male doesn’t consume something that’s free regardless of its ethical implications, “what the hell do you use then?”  
  
Yixing knowingly points to his temple and Baekhyun responds with a very impressed pout. “And what do you think about?” he urges on with a nudge of his chin.  
  
Completely affronted, Yixing swats a hand in an attempt to shut him up, “what wrong with you? That’s private.” He pushes tries to push his face away too, but that doesn’t stop the cheeky look Baekhyun pulls, teeth all in view, “oh shit, your imagination must be really fucked up if you can’t even find it on the Internet.”  
  
“Fucking bastard.”  
  
 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

“So what was wrong with this one?” Amber whines as she stuffs her face with gravy doused food truck fries. Baekhyun lets out nothing but a disdainful huff into the open air, stealing a couple of fries, Amber letting him. With a mouth packed with pureed potato, he complains, “he kissed my hand goodbye like I was a lady in fucking waiting”.

“I’m amazed he even took you for one,” she says judging Baekhyun’s greasy, gravy fingers as he cleans them with a piercing suck.

He lies back on ticklish grass in the peach, tinted afternoon light that bathes their usual hangout spot. The park’s pollen wafts through the balmy atmosphere, infused with the smell of dried leaves. A few kids ride bikes and scooters over graffiti-covered ramps in the distance, shouting profanities. Baekhyun comes here to skate when he can. Always trying to land a new kickflip or just feel that freeing velocity, his body slicing through the air.

But today, he just wants to fucking complain to his friend about the depleting quality in single guys that somehow congregate and are stuffed into the pathetic number of dating apps he desperately feels he needs in order to find _the one_. And with his luck, Baekhyun always seems to pick the rotten apple from the bunch.

“The dude slobbered all over my hand. Thought he was being the perfect gentleman. That’s the thing with these guys. They just take one look at me and expect me to act and be a certain way that I’m just not. I hate it. I just want a normal person, who treats me like who the fuck I am. Just… Baekhyun.” He amplifies his voice as the veins pop in his neck and colour red. Amber stares off focusing at the swirling, purplish, cumulus clouds ahead and shakes her head with a loud sigh.

“That’s actually super fuckin’ creepy. The saliva issue I mean”

“Yes thank you!”

Baekhyun’s arms explode upward feeling completely justified. They just as quickly drop to the ground as his fingers fan at the blades of grass then pull at them with frustration. Amber rubs the stubble around the base of her neck and suggests, “What about work? Don’t you meet heaps of people at work?” She loses her grip when he smacks her arm, sending a few fries flying.

“Yah!” He starts out strong, but very quickly folds in on his own words, “That’s very unprofessional...” he muses, brought down by an incoming tidal wave of repressed flashbacks. A close call with this fucking, suited up idiot who couldn’t compute the concept of personal space and who didn’t know the meaning of the word no. He counts himself lucky he hasn’t encountered similarly ignorant assholes online. Yet. Who the fuck knows?

“Well, then why do you have to force it then and just let it happen naturally?” it is timid advice, but it doesn’t stop her from trying.

The torrents of his mind clear bringing him back to the warm earth beneath his back. His fingers sprinkle the roots and leaves he tore up as he thoroughly considers her advice. After a few minutes of genuine thought he says, “yeah...maybe I should”, tone wistful as he lets the words out softly on his tongue.

“I’m telling you, Byun, you don’t even need to try so much. You are deceptively charming.” She is nonchalant, which makes him find it even funnier but takes it as a compliment anyway, “I am aren’t I?” He pulls out his phone and sees a message from Yixing:

_working tonight? I’m willing to catch the bus with you again._

Even in the plain text, he can hear the affected sarcasm of Yixing’s voice. Amber continues to munch, catching sight of Baekhyun’s sweet smile. He makes no mention of it so she turns again towards the watercolour painted sky. Swiping away the message to reply later, he pulls up his home screen, double clicks and hovers overs over a jiggly _X_. Doubt plagues the suspense.

His head swarms with the multitude of past guys that have brought nothing but bitter disappointment and compromise. Guys who never understood him. Guys that have never allowed him to experience more than a good orgasm. Shitty guys that just want a moment and not a lifetime. Guys who don’t make time for him. Guys who are too young, too old, in different places in life. He has heard all the excuses and not once has he come close to the feeling of a blissful love that runs deep into the oceans of his veins. An ardent love that moves with the flow of his blood and keeps him alive. He knows it’s corny as shit and so keeps his mysterious cloud of idyllic love a well-guarded secret. He blames a very young, impassioned, Hawaiian shirt wearing, Leonardo DiCaprio for this stupid romantic streak. But he can’t deny that its what he wants. What he has always hoped for.

At that moment he stomps his thumb down and deletes the app. There. Done. He’ll just let it happen. And if that shitty plan doesn’t work out, he can just reinstall the fucker later.

“I’ve completed the purging,” he proclaims struggling to sit back up, Amber pulling his weight up by his bare arms, “I’m very proud of you.” With a wink of her eye, she draws her fingers through her shortcut setting it in place then scratching at the buzzed off sides. And like the rude gust of wind he is, Baekhyun’s grubby hand musses up her precisely placed strands.

“WHY?” she yells with a fiery irritation and strong shove back to the ground. He laughs and points like a teasing, five-year-old. He can’t escape the attack of slaps that rain down on him, limbs and all.

The grass grazes his elbows as he tries to squirm his way to freedom, finally jumping to his feet, grabbing his board and riding away the moment he hits cement. Amber bounds after him, her bright pink wheels grinding and gaining momentum down the swirling paths of the park, her annoyed screeches calling his name and every once in a while, plugging her hole back up with a handful of fries.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Sunyoung lazily stretches herself out on the couch, hair in a mess, veiled over her squished face. She’s been watching reruns of old cartoons, waiting for Yixing to come home. It’s the weekend and she knows he has some time off today before his late shift. Bright shapes and goofy voices blare from the TV, drowning out the buzz of her phone but still feels against her fingertips. Amber wants to know if she wants to come to help her babysit their other baby cousin.

 

SY: I’ve got plans with Yixing tonight. sorry cuz

 

A: Hey no problem. I’ll just have to make rocky road without you. More for me haha

 

The phone drops from her fingers and it makes a soft thud on the ground. When is he going get here? She ends up finishing a few more episodes, remembering them from their binge watch sessions. When they would just laze about without a single fuck given. In her boredom, she makes minute mouth movements as she tries to recall and mine the words. It feels like a hypnotic rhythm that magically makes time move faster, and in no time she hears his keys jangle from right outside the door.

“Hey, stranger,” she says slightly, lifting her head as he gives her a soft kiss hello. “Hey. Ah! I remember this episode”. His hands are filled with shopping bags and she can hear the squeaking of foil chip packets. Slightly deflated she asks, “you preparing for war?”

“What?” he seems distracted unpacking everything and creating a racket.

“You bought a lot I mean,” she says trying to raise her voice a little.

“Oh yeah, I was going make my way to Baek’s soon. We are almost finished [Diablo 3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9hyESCLm8k) and I promised this time I’d supply the snacks,” his sounds thrilled as he flutters about the kitchen. Sunyoung can only look on from the couch holding on to the back with clenched fingers. She considers suggesting just spending some time together. Just the two of them. But the words get clogged up like cotton balls stuffed at the ball of her throat. Everything is too loud. She clicks the television off and Sunyoung stands to take a calming breath and opens her mouth, “Oh okay…I’m going to have a shower”.

Yixing turns to see her retreating figure. Sunyoung misses it as she tries to hide her disappointment. It fades though with every formed word:

 

SY: Hey change of plans!

 

A: YO YES! Meet me at aunties’ house in half an hour

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

“So I looked up that course you told me about”, Yixing remembers to say, eyes transfixed to the screen. It’s a testament to their pact to spend all weekend playing video games together. Baekhyun is getting hounded by a bunch of hellish, reanimated skeletons and Yixing easily backs him up impaling them with his giant ass, medieval sword.

Baekhyun stills at the realization Yixing took something he said seriously. His eyes widen a bit, but Yixing brings him back with an elbow to his side.

“Oh yeah, what did you think?”

“It looks good and not as expensive as I thought. I’ll have to send in a portfolio of my work though.”

Baekhyun fills the pause with a sympathetic hum knowing that must be nerve-racking. He pauses the game to get them some iced tea. It’s a hop skip and a jump to the kitchen nook, which is basically a second-hand fridge from Amber's old house, on top is his butane gas burner and beside a tiny sink filled with unwashed dishes from the week and a few cupboards housing mismatched plates and a bunch of canned food. It fits Beakhyun perfectly. Slightly grubby and endearingly imperfect. He shuffles barefooted over specked titles to reach the fridge to yank it open, the sound of the seal un-sticking itself.

“I can help out if you want an outside opinion?”

“Thanks yeah, that would be cool. I’ve heard everything I’ve made like a hundred times. You lose complete objectivity”. There is nothing but relief in his voice and Baekhyun keeps his beaming smile hidden behind the fridge door. He is amazed Yixing is actually considering it after mentioning it a bunch more times.

Baekhyun makes his way back with drinks in hand and lets Yixing’s firm grip take one.

The chill of the glass reminds Yixing of the chill of the glass door at the restaurant they first met. It’s a weird comfort to know he already feels nostalgic about that time. Even when it wasn’t that long ago. Baekhyun takes his pointer and pushes it into his left cheek, prompting him to turn and face an intriguing smirk.

“What were you thinking about?” Baekhyun asks him with calm curiosity.

Yixing rests his head back into the dense cushions, letting the feathers shape around his neck, gazing at him leisurely. It’s a snug fit that feels just like this moment. “How much I appreciate you being my slave,” he says raising his iced tea and jiggles the ice around.

“Don’t tell anyone but you are the only one I’ll let boss me around.” Baekhyun follows his words with a large gulp, crunching the cubes between his teeth.

Yixing can’t be too sure but he swears Baekhyun blushes. It’s from the corner of his eye. As the tea swirls around, he feels a vague sense of deja vu. It’s of a faint memory coloured with similar rosy cheeks but different eyes, full of admiration he would pretend to ignore. It stirs up a feeling he thought he left dormant many years ago.

“URG! I HAVE NO [MANA](http://soundfxcenter.com/video-games/diablo-2/8d82b5_Diablo_2_Necromancer_Low_Mana_Sound_Effect.mp3)! Back me up Yixing!”

His hands fumble at the joystick and sticky buttons, focus returning to the battle of good and evil and eventually they bring down the final demonic boss together.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Three weeks and four days.

That’s how long it’s been since their last date that ended with Sunyoung getting food poisoning from that dodgy restaurant. It cut their date in half. The first, familiar with talk of work, catching up on current events and reaching over the tablecloth, interlocking fingers with promises to do this more often. Then the stomach cramps happened and Sunyoung spent 2 agonizing hours draped over the toilet bowl. Yixing made her some stewed fruit to help replenish what was lost. She thanked him with a weak smile and teary eyes. Even with throw up on her chin, she was still cute.

Time flies though when hours start piling up at work and their bodies ache with only one desire to sleep. Relax. Literally, do nothing. Which is exactly what they’ve decided to do together on this rare day off, snuggled into a woolly blanket and thick floppy socks. Rain hasn’t stopped as icy winds bite through a canvas of constant, grey skies, the windows fogged up.

Yixing is on his laptop; fiddling with the equalization of a track he’s been working, trying to perfect the balance of crystal clear high notes and fuzzy low drones. It’s really fucking frustrating because he can’t seem to get it right and it starts to gnaw away at his sanity. Every adjustment feels like two steps back and the sound feels like its scratching at his brain. The whole thing starts to feel like a chore and all he wants to do is throw his hardware through the fucking window. He presses play again and the highest frequencies ring out as a shrill shriek in his eardrums. He yanks out his earphones, not willing to withstand the physical pain any longer.

“You okay?” Sunyoung pops her head out of her book with the sound of Yixing’s annoyed grunt.

“It’s stupid don’t worry. This is just taking longer than I thought”

“Mm, okay just take a break then?” He can’t help but read dismissal in her voice.

“This should be me taking a break. I just want it done”

She tries for a comforting hand on his shoulder but he slides right out of it as he stands and utters, “I’m going to take shower”.

“Okay” she stretches her mouth, “but not for too long. The water bill last quarter was ridiculous and we need to cut down”.

“Fine”

He stamps with annoyance to their bedroom for a change of clothes. His message tone goes off, muffled under the layers of sheets and blankets. It’s another annoying effort to sift through them all and find it like a needle in a haystack.

It’s a video message from Baekhyun and taps it to play.

Blurry streaks fly by as Baekhyun comes into focus. “You recording?” He asks someone behind the camera. He is standing on his skateboard, mentally preparing.

“Okay ready?” He asks again with a cheeky grin.

Then his legs lunge and shoot back up flipping the board under his feet and safely landing back down with a loud clap, wheels against the road. “ Fuck yes!” he yells with arms thrust up into the air. His eyes directly stare down the lens as he struts forward with brilliant confidence proclaiming, “that how you do it bitc..ahhh” his body collapses under his wobbly legs, caught in a deep crack in the ground.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY!” Ambers' voice cackles from behind.

Yixing plays it one more time, not ready to stop himself from enjoying the pleasure of Baekhyun falling like a fucking idiot. Another text comes through as if he knew Yixing would be there to see it:

 

 

BB: You owe me now. I won’t take anything less than a broken bone

 

YZ: I never agreed to anything

 

BB: I will get you on a skateboard mark my works

 

BB: BTW you busy? Wanna hang? We can play Mario Kart!!!!

 

 

Yixing doesn’t text back yet, trying to ignore the pesky guilt and anxiety that starts to boil in his chest. Should he go? Sunyoung is home… Shouldn’t he spend his free time with her?

Water drums against his skull in an effort to drown out the questions that continue to echo in his mind.

They aren’t doing much anyway. Sunyoung is reading her book and seems pretty into it. And he hasn’t seen Baekhyun in a week. And Mario Kart is really fun and just a good way to relax and take his mind off of music shit. The heat and steam seem to eventually melt away any apprehension and after his shower, he dresses and goes to grab a rain jacket.

“Hey, I’m just gonna head out for a bit”. Sunyoung is fully immersed in her book and doesn’t hear his soft, spoken words.

“Sunnie?” He tries again.

“Oh um, I was gonna make dinner soon…”

“I think I just need to just get out for a bit. I can get something if you need?” He tries for a compromise in an attempt to burst the last remaining bubble of guilt.

“It’s okay. I guess I’ll just ask Amber then.”

Nothing is spoken, but Yixing hears her disappointment but at that moment chooses to feign ignorance, as if truly tricking himself.

“Take an umbrella,” she lifts herself forward for a kiss as he reaches for the doorknob. He almost forgets, but the habit kicks back in as Yixing follows her lead and pecks her cheek goodbye. As the door clicks shut behind him, he pulls his phone out and replies back. All his thoughts meander to topics of video games and time spent with Baekhyun, never fully realizing he made no mention of his name to Sunyoung.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Baekhyun faintly hears the ping of response vibrate against his chest in a dream. He wakes up to a rhythmic rapt on the door and takes a peep at his phone screen.

 

YZ: Yeah, I’m free. Be there soon.

 

How long did he sleep for? He clambers up and opens the creaking door with lidded eyes. “Hey” his voice cracks with grogginess. Yixing chuckles out, “hey man wake up,” while reaching out with both hands and shaking his shoulders hello. Baekhyun’s voice wobbles as his head swings back and forth, “I blame you for making me wait for a reply” he says as if it’s a joke but kind of isn’t.

Amber was too busy for him apparently. So he was bored all day waking up in a stump to heavy rain and no chance of skating. Yixing seemed to be the perfect antidote for his mediocre day. With their work schedules mismatching recently it’s been a few days since they got to hang out properly.

“Yeah sorry I was just thinking if I should come or not”.

Yixing finds comfort in Baekhyun's tiny couch, which sits flush against the wall framed by a large bright window. Baekhyun notices the way the swath of grey clouds light his crown and the stray bits of his frizzy hair like a halo. The soft glow pours around his features, the tip of his nose and the indentations of his sunken eyes, looking worn out and tired. Yixing rubs them open, the tips of his fingers dipping into the corners, removing any remaining sleep. Baekhyun understands how nourishing sleeping patterns can turn to scattered, random bouts of ineffective rest. Working nights are a bitch.

“Sunnie and I both had the day off so...”

“Oh sorry. I didn’t want to interrupt anything”. It’s what he says but there is this seed of selfishness that begins to sprout inside him. He is kind of glad Yixing is here, regardless.

“Nah, nah it’s cool. I needed to get out anyway so you did me a favour,” Yixing reassures him with a friendly smile, always making Baekhyun feel a little less shitty.

“Did something go down?” he carefully asks. It would be a first hearing about the couple fighting but then again they don’t really talk about that sort of stuff. Conversation between them always remains the frothy banter that floats on the surface. Baekhyun tries to keep things casual by setting up the Wii.

“Huh? Oh no. It just...” Yixing pauses as if stopping on a thought. “I just got fucking frustrated by this beat I was working on. I couldn’t get it to work and Sunnie deserves a day off without me fucking it up with my own bullshit”.

His gruff mutters resound in Baekhyun’s head as insecure chiding, as he peeks up at Yixing picking a thread from the cut in his dark jeans. The image flickers through the back catalogue of his memory. Those same fingers that pluck and pick at things when Yixing feels his most hopeless. He remembers it happened last when Yixing told him about a job application that got him nowhere. No reply, no email or call explaining why. He could only call them unprofessional turd burgers that need to check their self-importance ‘cause they obviously missed out on hiring a genius.

He replays the moment Yixing let out a sarcastic _pfft_! “It was just a sales assistant role,” and Baekhyun excessively replied, “and you would be the best one there ever was. Ever.” as serious as a heart attack. Baekhyun’s mind meanders on what it would be like if they were to work together. How much less of a headache it would feel to have a genuinely good mate to share wasted hours with.

The sound of Mario’s squeaky, Italian inflected voice brings him back after contemplating Yixing's words. He takes a seat on the hard floor and tries to be as comforting as possible, “well lucky I called you over. If you want to fuck up my day, then go right ahead. It’s been a total snore anyways.”

He turns his head around to check on Yixing’s reaction. He has a better view from the ground, looking up at his hidden features. He doesn’t mean to pry but he is just compelled to erase any sort of fabrication that Yixing is some sort of emotional dead weight.

Baekhyun hands him the controller, and Yixing grasps it noting the lax grip and the tinkering of hidden thoughts that flicker past his gaze. “I umm...” Yixing mumbles with eyes trying to escape in the shadows of his features. But he will always find glints of light there, like lone stars in an empty night sky. He stays silent, letting the glints grow and burn brighter and more confident. Finally, Yixing’s eyes become certain. His words flow, unpracticed and sincere, “I think- I think I forgot what it was like to spend the day alone with her. Usually, its just work, sleep a few meals together and nights out with you guys. It’s just hard sometimes to know what to do. How to act properly and stuff.”

“There isn’t anything wrong with that though. There are plenty of couples that go through the same thing,” he reassures him without a shred of evidence to back him up.

“I know, I know,” Yixing says but his voice remains hesitant as if this is the first time he has ever said it aloud. “I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but I just got this really anxious feeling like we needed do things together and I freaked out and just did nothing.” He pulls the thread right out of his frayed jeans, making the tiniest sound of a snap.

“Hey cut yourself some slack,” Baekhyun tries, feeling a little awkward and cringes at himself that he can’t come up with something more original.

“She knows you love her right?” Baekhyun queries body completely facing Yixing with his arms spread out on the sofa cushion before him. It’s a little bit itchy under his skin.

“Yeah, I guess”. He flicks the black, cotton strand away. Baekhyun shifts his arm and nudges the side of Yixing’s leg. “Well, I guess I’m the lucky one that gets to hang with you. And I doubt Sunnie thinks as you do. You guys are perfect together”. The texture of the sofa starts to feel like sandpaper. Yixing says nothing again. “Hey…” He asks softly with another more aggressive nudge, trying just that little bit more to make him feel better. The corner of Yixing’s mouth raises in the most modest smile Baekhyun thinks he has ever seen. A deep dimple forms and he can’t help but think that Sunyoung is the one who lucked out.

“Good,” satisfied that Yixing at least feels a fraction better. It’s enough to know it was because of him. “I’m just trying to lift you up before I tear you back down”, he says standing up and crashing back down right by Yixing’s side.

“Princess Peach and I have a very strong winning streak and I’m not about to let you win out of pity”.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

YX: Hey Sorry it got late, but I think I’ll crash at Baek’s.

SY: It’s cool. Amber and I decided to do Karaoke! She is currently butchering hero

 

Yixing stares at his phone. Its blinding light stinging as the solitude of night blankets the rest of the room. It’s so quiet that the eerie creaks of the old building amplify in his ear. He is missing out on Sunyoung’s voice. Her strong, bright, shimmering voice. His memory tries to recreate the tone as it belts out 90s power ballads. Shit. They could have gone to karaoke together… Why hadn’t he thought of it before? Amber thought if it though. What a useless boyfriend he is. Shit.

 

YZ: Ahh next time we go you can take my requests. :)

 

SY: Okay xingie :) Goodnight. Sleep tight.

 

 

His phone gets buried beneath the density of his pillow. The sound of rain still lightly patters the glass, its surface fogged up and droplets twinkling with the moon’s light. He thinks back on the day as his fingers form tiny smiley faces in the condensation.

He and Baekhyun spent the afternoon gaming and getting takeout to break up his losing streak. Baekhyun couldn’t stop himself from jumping on the sofa. Every, single, time, he placed first. One time Baekhyun almost lost balance when Yixing tried to trip him over during his tenth victory lap accompanied by gloating yells.

Now he finds himself laid on top of trampled cushions, legs and arms squished in, aiming for an ounce of comfort. But he can’t find it. He can’t sleep. His fingertips now feel numb from the chill of the window. He tries his phone again. Maybe read something? Nah. It’s too late to focus, but he’s still too anxious to sleep. The bubbles of guilt form again, blown from the breath of his irrational thoughts.

At the sound of a sudden door slam, they pop in a display of fireworks as his whole being jolts in fear. He almost yells, “Fuck Baekhyun you scared the shit out of me!” All he can see is his pyjama-clad silhouette.

“Hey sorry, just came to get a glass of water.” He sounds half asleep but in the dark, his muscle memory can still navigate his body gracefully to the tap. “You need anything?” his voice softened by sleep.

Yixing ponders a bit as he makes his way to sit up. “Can’t sleep,” he admits.

“I told you it’s uncomfortable. You should just sleep in the bed. It big enough,” he yawns out and takes a lazy sip of water. Some of it misses his mouth as it drools down his chin. Yixing can see the droplets sparkle as he walks over to him, snatching the glass from his grasp.

“Yah! Get your own”

“You always such a tired grump?”

“You’re the one stealing _my_ water”

“But I’m _your_ guest,” he grins and then gulps it all down to the very last drop. Yixing stares at him with teasing eyes, secretly glad to know he won’t have to lose any more sleep.

“Come on. I’ll let you choose which side of the bed you want,” Baekhyun says as he pulls Yixing by the elbow. In the void of night, he feels the texture cold tiles shift to the fuzzy, warm carpet as he lets himself be carried by Baekhyun’s guiding force. Then it’s just a firm mattress, soft sheets, slow breaths and heavy eyelids.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

“So that guy asked me out again…”

Baekhyun mentions on another quiet bus ride home with Yixing. It’s a particularly cold early morning because his nose feels like it’s going to fall off, which probably means he will catch a cold soon. He pulls his beanie as far down his pale face and keeps his hands warm inside the sleeves of his thick, woollen jumper. Yixing nods sheepishly and turns to ask, “you mean that organizer guy?” his voice ends with a lift as his lips fold into his mouth and reveal his deep, endearing dimple.

“Yeah, the event organizer from work…”

Baekhyun can’t help but try to decipher Yixing’s micro expressions triggered by minuscule facial muscles. What does that eye twitch even mean he wonders?

“What did you say?” Yixing questions, occupying his mouth by biting the dried bits cuticles round his nails.

“I let him down gently and played dumb. Just like me to make everything into a joke.” Yixing lets out a lethargic chuckle. “Why though? I thought you said he was cute?” Baekhyun did say that, didn’t he. Even mild levels of cuteness would be enough to easily sway his decision to agree to at least a coffee. “I don’t know I just didn’t think it was worth it, you know?” he shrugs out. “Plus I don’t really have the time for it” Baekhyun amends.

“Sorry then”

“What for?” his face is one of screwed up confusion.

“Its obviously my fault”

Baekhyun’s shakes his head to disagree when he sees Yixing’s frostbitten fingers start their nervous fiddle with his silver, hoop piercing.

“And I hold it against you every damn day Zhang Yixing!” Baekhyun playful swats at him with floppy sleeves, hands still taking refuge from the cold. They soon settle comfortably into the last couple of amused huffs that fill the moving bus. No one else gets to see the affection passed between them both, the two back seats feeling like their own little world that crumbles slowly as it reaches their final destination. Each ride home seems to extinguish the concept of time they get completely lost in, hoping they never have to return to the regiment of the clock handle.

Yixing smiles with so much fondness it starts to pull at Baekhyun’s chest. Yixing’s fiddling fingers leave his earlobe and reach out to pull at his friend’s pliable cheek, pinching it with a wiggle, “Gee thanks,” he giggles, light like a tune.

Yixing lets go but wants to find another excuse to feel the warm texture of his skin. He can’t find one so just leaves it alone.

“I much prefer hanging out with you anyways,” Baekhyun says sarcastically and rubs aggressively at his cheek.

It’s said as a joke, but it doesn’t stop Yixing from feeling a wave of blazing affinity with him. He decides to pull at Baekhuyn’s earlobe instead of confessing it because that would maybe be too serious. “Ow! You shit. I just gave you a compliment and you continue to inflict pain on me”. His last act of fondness ends with hands pulling Baekhyun’s beanie off and ruffling his fingers through his matted down hair.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Lying in bed, alone, Yixing stares at the ceiling trying to comprehend why Baekhyun’s goodbye felt like it tore at his soul.

 

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

“So you are gonna hate me,” Baekhyun tries to wiggle into his usual spot at the back of the bus home. It’s cushioning feeling like rock. Yixing follows clumsily behind and stops to look down at Baekhyun’s timid expression. His hesitant fingers push his frames up his sniffling nose. The bus rumbles down the road over a speed hump and jolts Yixing’s body back. He takes a seat, never wiping off his unimpressed expression.

“What did you do Baekhyun?” his delivery is monotone and eyes are half open in dismay. Baekhyun starts to remove his jacket with the heat of his nerves pulsing through his body. He begins with trepidation, “So you know my friend I mentioned, who also does music production?” He waits for Yixing to nod but it doesn’t happen. He is frozen by confusion, caught by flashing, orange streetlights. Baekhyun’s breath catches. All he has to do is rip it off like a Band-Aid, so he pushes his words out like a steamroller, “well he kind of had a call out for musicians to play at this gig he is organizing. It’s a super small, teeny, tiny event in like a club basement. All electronic producers and all from the local area… and I suggested you…”

He closes his eyes and braces himself for the pummeling of a lifetime. He knows what he did was brash but he couldn’t let Yixing miss out on an opportunity so his words pick up again in speed, fueled day his nervous energy. “I just think it could be really good for you to like preform and-and get to see the way people--”

“Has he heard my stuff?” Yixing cuts in as if his mouth finally catching up to his brain.

“Yeah, I linked him to your Sound cloud. Look, I know I should have mentioned it first but this could be really fun and seriously zero pressure, you can say no if you really want”. His mouth feels absolutely dehydrated. When has it ever been this hard to talk? Yixing furrows his brow with a look that reads concern but he isn’t sure. Baekhyun’s lips are almost grazed down to nothing when he hears Yixing speak again, voice small and soft.

“Can I think about it?”

Baekhyun perks up, eyes wide in astonishment. Yixing considering it is more than he could have hoped for. The surface of his skin tingles with pride. As the bus rattles them about Baekhyun remembers to reply. “Of course think about it. Yixing, I just think you need to start putting yourself out there if this is something you want to do”.

“Did he like it?”

Yixing’s eyes seem shy but his voice lifts, obscuring his own pride by his lowering gaze. Baekhyun can see Yixing fiddling with his earlobe again. “He said you were fucking awesome”, he replies and balances his chin on clasped hands that rest on the head of Yixing’s seat. The cold steel of the bar, refreshingly cool. There, he can peek at Yixing’s abstruse smile. Everyone else would be oblivious to its subtlety, but Baekhyun is a Yixing expert. He knows that the moment Yixing turns the other way, a beaming smile breaks through his whole face. Baekhyun takes the opportunity to blow at his exposed neck, predicting correctly the breathless laughter that bursts out.

“Baek! No! No! No!”

Yixing tries to escape but he lunges forward, halfway out his seat to lock Yixing in a crushing hug, his face close enough to smell his hair. It's fragrance like autumn wind. As he struggles to keep his grip, his hand accidentally brushes Yixing’s cheek. It feels warm from exasperation and its texture is soft like a marshmallow. Yixing finally breaks free with a huff and pushes Baekhyun by the chest back to his seat.

“You shit! I hate when you do that!” he ruffles his own hair to regain composure.

“I know” Baekhyun teases.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

ZY: okay I thought about it and I can’t do it

 

BB: we just got off the bus. that is nowhere near enough time to think about it properly

 

ZY: 3 weeks is not enough time to prepare BaEk 

I have to make a 30-minute set!!!!! and I don’t even think I have enough good stuff for 30 MINSjJKFKJ and I’ve never played live before and how do I even do that!!!!!

 

BB: don’t worry. Can’t you just like press play and fist pump like those Ibiza DJs

 

ZY: NO BAEk I don’t want to do that. I blame you for my impending night terrors

 

BB: so you are gonna do it!

 

ZY: no -_-

 

BB: if I help you out will you do it?

 

ZY: ….................... I’m listening

 

BB: Whatever you need I’ll do it.

I’ll take work off if I have to

promise

 

ZY: no don’t do that

 

BB: I’ll just call in sick. I’m dead serious

 

ZY: well… IF I were to do this I’ll have to probably make some new tracks

I’ll be internally cringing if I play just old stuff

 

BB: great idea!! it could also be good for your portfolio submission *eyebrow wiggle* another great idea

 

ZY: that is true…

 

BB: I am very wise

 

ZY: that is very untrue

 

BB: fine…

i am _extremely_ wise!

 

ZY: well done

 

BB: so what do I do to help then?

 

ZY: well i have always wanted to do this one thing

 

BB: _OOOoooOOOOooo_

 

ZY: I’ll have to rent a mic and equipment out but I’d like to do some field recording Maybe someplace with trees and streams and shit away from the city

 

BB: i know a place. and I’ll chip in for the rental costs

 

ZY: i would say no but you did offer

 

BB: that’s right Plus it will ease my guilty conscience

i would just hide wads of cash around your apartment anyway

ZY: okay then

I’m down

where is this place?

 

BB: two words Yixing

ROAD TRIP!

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

_Vacuumed: Check_

_Fixed window display: Check_

_Finished rosters: Check_

_Put out all new stock: Check_

With her daily schedule complete, Sunyoung usually spends the rest of her working day helping with sales to achieve the team’s weekly budget. In a nutshell, selling enough shitty dresses gets them bonuses. Sunyoung understands all too well the stress of not making their financial targets. She tries to explain it to Yixing all the time but it’s probably all the industry jargon that pulls his face into a blank stare. It's okay that he can’t fathom it, its just a bit frustrating that he sometimes seems to clock off the moment she opens her mouth about stock take, online sales, budgets and shitty customers. It’s been her life for almost three years so some of it should have sunk in.

Sunyoung doesn’t know how, but those three years she found herself working at this designer, boutique store. It’s work she finds pretty easy and it has allowed her to progress up the ranks a bit. Earning more than she used to when she first started is reason enough to stay. But it’s defiantly not her style. Formal wear made from satin and gentle lace, corporate fitted shirts and suits coloured in navies and dark greys. Whereas she would much prefer to mix prints, wear giant boots, fluoro pink hoops and dresses layered over baggy pants. At work though, those aspects of her personality have to be muted, as she dresses in the much more conservative uniform.

She makes work for her self as she flutters about the store, fixing hangers and re-folding cashmere jumpers when the bell jingles. A new customer means slapping on that false smile and caring. Sunyoung has to care. She used to a lot more but it’s starting to slip with every passing, dull day.

“Good morning, how may I help you today?” She says in the most pleasant way possible. It’s not surprising that a young man enters in a tidy suit and combed hair. He could be shopping for a gift or himself. This job has taught her to never make assumptions and proceeds to ask, “Whom are we shopping for today?”

He takes a few steps closer to the rack she is standing by, filled with sheer blouses, glittering with pearls and sequins. He takes a gentle hand and inspects each hanger quietly, never peeling his eyes off each garment. Sunyoung notices a slight drip of sweat on his forehead. She keeps her smile friendly and with a soft voice asks, “Do you not do this often?” It makes him chuff and nods his head in agreement. But he still won’t look at her.

“Well, I could help you if you told me who you are shopping for and the occasion”

He bows his head slightly with thanks. Sunyoung thinks it’s endearing. This seemingly dapper man with silver cufflinks and shoes made of Italian leather acting like a timid child.

She waits for him to respond until his eyes finally meet with hers. They are kind and almost smoulder. He clears his throat before he speaks and it almost shocks her when he asks, “What-um. What would you wear on a date, if you were to go on one, that is?” He is so flustered. With his eyes full of anticipation, it dawns on her that her jaw is hanging halfway down to the ground.

“Ah! Oh-I-um-I-guess it would depend on where I would go on the date”. She reminds herself to keep smiling, retreating to another rack and he follows.

“Maybe a nice dinner at a nice restaurant?” he queries softly with smiling eyes.

“Oh then, maybe one of the new garments that we just got in. These dresses, for instance, have a casual fit but as you can see the textile shimmers in the light, so it elevates it slightly making it a little more glamorous for the occasion.” Her salesperson mask is on tight as she continues to sell and distract herself from his intent gaze.

“Ah yes, they are very lovely. Like you...”

Oh!

“Oh!” She pauses. He is flirting with her… The shock of it fizzles out and there is an unexpected heat that spreads across her cheeks.

“I’m sorry its just I work across the street and always notice you. I know this must be strange but I just wanted to know if you’d like to maybe go to dinner with me?” his head hangs low and Sunyoung sees his eyes flicker. Did he notice her? She is so intrigued to know what about her is so _noticing_.

“You don’t have to wear that dress obviously. You can wear whatever you want,” he jokes and it makes her laugh, slapping her hand over her mouth when she starts to sound like a French horn.

They just end up standing and smiling at each other like idiots. In that small frozen moment, she pictures herself being wooed by him while eating those tiny, expensive dishes with the source always fancifully drizzled. She imagines his hand holding hers as they walk through forgotten, cobbled streets of Paris and feeding each other gelato in Rome.

But reality’s fist comes knocking hard at her door. Loud thuds in her ears that pummel away her fictional romance. What is she even thinking? She can’t even frolic with the idea of having a nice dinner at a nice restaurant with a complete stranger. It’s so tempting. Her fingers want desperately to stretch out and put back together with her shattered inventions. But the pieces are too small now. It’s not possible. She has Yixing and she can’t throw away years of commitment on flattery alone. Sunyoung’s smile slowly falls and prepares herself to let him down gently.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Amber’s rusty, gas guzzling used car pulls up to three shivering bodies, all huddled together on the curb of Yixing and Sunyoung apparent building. The darkening sky rids the air of warmth as a chilly breeze rustles Sunyoung’s hair as she tries to fling it off her face. Yixing stands with shoulders bobbing and hands deep in pockets and Baekhyun’s nose continues to sniff and dribble, taking his puffy sleeve to wipe the mucus away.

The moment her car halts they trample over each other, Sunyoung calling shotgun and the guys climbing over each other to reach the back seat. Amber has the heat up, feeling like a sauna and they let themselves acclimatize.

“Can’t you make it any warmer in here Amber?” Baekhyun complains taking a long sniffle.

“If you help pay for gas then I will,” she challenges.

“Fine I guess I’ll survive,” he replies like a petulant child.

“How about I make it up to you?”

“You pay for dinner?” Baekhyun says and leaps forward in his seat to rest his chin right next to Amber’s headrest, his volume bursting her eardrums. And with that, she gives him a flick to his forehead. “There,” she laughs as he rubs the pain away.

“Okay, we really need to address this behaviour. Violence should no longer equate to friendly affection.” No one takes his winging seriously.

Instead of fighting back, she pops open the passenger seat compartment. “Sunnie, take a look inside, there’s a surprise”. Sunyoung riffles through used tissues and receipts eventually locating an old clear cassette.

On one side is a dirtied piece of masking tape, scribbled with the words ‘Sunnie + Amber FM’. “Yah!” Her eyes brighten as she turns to Yixing, “this is a mixtape we made as kids!” Yixing looks between them both with a genuine smile. Sunyoung inspects the tape again feeling the scratched plastic under her fingers. Amber plucks it from her hands and slots it into the tape deck of her ancient car. Its tinny speakers pump out familiar tunes from their childhood laced with a warm, electrical, tape hum.

It infuses her mind with the nostalgia. Warn out memories of meeting up with her cousin after school and recording their favourite songs off the radio. They would always complain about how stingy their parents were whenever they saw other kids walk around with portable CD players, wishing they could indulge in that sort of luxury.

Amber flits her gaze to Sunyoung’s miming lips, wishing her cousin would just sing out loud with reckless abandon like she used to. Dancing around their bedrooms holding a brush for a microphone. Amber takes her whenever she can to karaoke, hoping the poisonous words of self-doubt will slowly trickle out.

The road ahead is dark as they continue to drive until they reach their destination.

Amber fills her mouth with another mouth-watering cut of sizzling beef. The fumes are intoxicating and her eyes dramatically roll back into her head. “When people ask if I’m in a relationship, I say it’s with this”. Her mouth is full as she tries to keep the juices from dripping past her lips. The ambience of the restaurant is a flurry of crackles and hisses sitting below loud chatter and chairs scraping against cracked tiles. Fresh chilli and caramelized garlic waft through their senses as they lick off oil and salt from their fingers.

The wobbly tables are a little cramped. Elbows brush against each other but the food is cheap and delicious. The meat almost dances on steaming hot plates and it’s the perfect thing to eat on this frosty evening. Maybe its because they are so hungry, but conversation is light. Amber observes Baekhyun and Yixing talking amongst themselves about music, it seems. She overhears something about recording in the wild. It shouldn’t worry her but Sunyoung is too quiet, content in finishing up her bowl of fried rice with unfocused eyes.

“Hey?” Amber tries to get her attention. Her shoulder bump causes Sunyoung’s beaded earrings to sway back and forth.

“Hey…” she replies and gives a half hearted smile.

“Everything good?” Amber lets down her chopsticks with care.

“Yeah, I’m fine” She nods too quickly for it to be true. But she continues to chat and Amber can tell she is evading the question.

“The cassette tape was such a trip hey?” Amber sees her eyes soften, looking past her cup, fingertips tracing the inscriptions in the worn stoneware as if she doesn’t have the strength to lift it up.

“Yeah, I found it at my parent’s place. We had lunch together last weekend”

“Whoa! That’s amazing Amber”

And like that her whole disposition changes. Sunyoung’s whole body lifts like a rising star. Amber feels a sense of relief, knowing her mind isn’t dwelling on whatever it was.

“I know!” she starts with a modest smile. “My mum said she really missed me. You never know, Grandkids are always a thing so that seemed to make them a bit more accepting.” Sunyoung laughs into her napkin at that, “Aunty must be over the moon. I know she loves you too much to let you go,” flinging herself onto Amber with a giant hug that wraps her uptight, tugging her from side to side. It’s bone crushing. Sunyoung relaxes back but keeps hold of her shoulders, hands in a tight grip and eyes that communicate a secret when she speaks again.

“I need the bathroom”

“Okay, I’ll come with”

As they push their chairs out, Amber glimpses at Yixing and Baekhyun. Their discussion never falters and they don’t even notice them leave.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

“Something happened the other day,” Sunyoung leans herself against the chilly tiles of the cramped bathroom. They are littered with scrawled messages, doodles and scribbles made in black marker. There should only be room for one and it’s a tight fit as they huddle around the toilet bowl.

“Something bad?” Amber whispers

“I don’t know,” She finally says with a shaking voice, mind a blur, “It was just this guy… A really lovely guy came into the shop the other day and asked me out”.

“Wait… are you saying--”

“No! I said no.” Her breath is slow and the confession that sits right on the tip of her tongue almost burns coming out like a subtle puff of smoke, “…but I considered it”. Its connotations linger in the quiet air, bitter and choking. Amber scratches the back of her neck feeling the newly buzzed stubble.

“What do you mean considered?” her eyes looking up at her from a frown.

“Like, I had this vision of my life taking a completely different path,” her breath staggers when she admits it. A sharp pain passes through her heart. Saying it out loud feels even more stupid.

Amber’s eyebrows bunch together, deep wrinkles lining her forehead. Shit. Of course. She must be disappointed. Sunyoung feels like absolute shit. The narrow walls feel like they are shrinking in on her with no escape. She can feel the shame flood her core. Its waters bring tears to her eyes as she tries desperately to flutter her eyelashes and dry them away.

“Sunnie…” Amber pulls her into a tight embrace, rubbing her back to ease the tension. Amber must think she is an idiot but she thanks her stars for the hug.

Her muddled up brain feels like a blender filled with nothing but rancid thoughts. She tries to take control of her ragged breathing as Amber pulls away and starts to brush away the haze of auburn hair from her vision. She sees her mouth open to take a deep breath and it fills her with fear. Ready to hear scolding words. The punishment she deserves.

With a clear, level tone Amber states, “You know, the only way to take a different path in life is if you create it yourself. For yourself. A guy can’t do that for you.”

Her words are an earthquake that shakes Sunyoung off balance. She lifts her face up as high it can go, letting the naked bulb above fill her face with a blinding light. A final tear finds its way down her cheek and she wipes it with resolve.

“You are a boss Sunnie, don’t forget. The boss of your own life”, Amber pounds her fist on her arm and it makes her giggle out every last bit of burden from her system.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

It’s just the afternoon and there is a strong sun peeking through cotton-like clouds. Yixing can see them from where his head is propped up on feather, stuffed pillows. His eyes adjust to the light, still in his crew neck and boxers that he sleeps in, preferring the feel of his bare legs against the sheets. He is way too lazy to actually make his bed so he simply pushes the sheets off with busy feet, landing in a pile on the ground.

He texts Baekhyun that the front door is unlocked as he returns to his bare mattress, finding that perfect position when Baekhyun replies back that he is bringing breakfast with him. Yixing hopes its something doughy and moreish. The thought of buttery, pastry melting in his mouth makes his stomach rumble.

His laptop is cold to the touch, as he waits for the screen to light up so he can continue to sort out the chaos that is his documents folder. Literally, hundreds of files take up every byte of memory and searching through it all is like remembering forgotten bits of his own past. It has been an exciting treasure hunt, finding old pictures and forgotten beats from years ago. He puts the best of the lot in a folder titled, ‘must show to bb.doc’.

His wrist starts to ache when he hears the door squeal open and an excitable Baekhyun jumps onto the bed knees first, his laptop bouncing up into the air. The buoyancy is felt through his whole body as he returns a grin to Baekhyun showing off a brown paper bag. He gets excited, taking quick note of the grease seeping through the base and smelling the sweetness of cinnamon.

“I brought sticky buns!” immediately tearing the bag open and half devours one in under a second, fingers now smeared with caramelized sugar. “Here,” he shoves the other half into Yixing’s mouth as he tries to stop the laughter from spitting the bun right back into Baekhyun’s face, cheeks full like a hungry squirrel. Yixing almost chokes from the cuteness so he gets up to distract himself by making them coffee.

He turns away to ignite the gas when he hears Baekhyun’s teasing words from the next room gargle out, “Oh my god are you are wearing a fedora? You poor soul. Who made you do such a horrible thing?” Baekhyun must be trawling through the folder already. He can picture the photo in his mind. It was at some school dance during that awkward phase unfortunate teenagers go through.

“I actually picked it out myself,” Yixing yells back to defend himself, fingers ruffling out his bed hair and he can hear Baekhyun slap his hands together because he cannot contain his sanity. “I was 13 okay and I was really into fluoro. It was trendy!”

Baekhyun explodes, mouth stretching wide and the veins in his neck popping. He is literally rolling around on his back trying to catch his breath, “Shit these are so fucking good.” He continues looking through every piece of Yixing’s embarrassing past, heaving as he starts reading out some of his old rap lyrics. It was a questionable phase in which Yixing thought it would be a _great_ idea to be a rapper.

Baekhyun wipes away tears of joy, trying to make it through another sentence of, “…my raps are sweet. You be addicted to this beat-AH-HA-Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-Oh-my-god!”

It’s contagious. Yixing spills coffee all over the counter, swept up by Baekhyun’s euphoric, thunderous screams.

“Oh man” Baekhyun catches his breath again, wiping away the steady stream of stray tears, preparing himself for another side splitting piece of Yixing trivia.

“What was your name gonna be?” Baekhyun asks getting up and making his way to the couch, wanting a front seat to this ridicule, making sure it will never end. Yixing turns away, busying himself with a wet rag.

“What was it that bad?” Baekhyun throws a pillow at him.

Yixing is unrelenting and feels his face heat up in unrestrained embarrassment, “It’s too painful.” He shields his face with his forearms.

“I promise on my life I will not judge you”. He can’t see him but Yixing can hear right through Baekhyun’s bullshit.

“I’m sorry what?” Baekhyun pulls himself up and cups his ear; unable to distinguish Yixing’s muffled words. So he gets to his feet and starts pulling at Yixing’s sleeves, giggling at his unwillingness to give himself up. With his head still down, Yixing takes a giant breath in and just yells, “ZHANG THE MAN!” Baekhyun stops and takes on a look of utter shock. He doesn’t even move.

Finally, it seems he has processed it all, placing a consoling hand to Yixing's shoulder and says slowly, “Well, It was defiantly your lacklustre rhymes that stopped you from killing the game…Zhang the man”. Yixing pushes away his hysterical friend who lands back on the bouncy cushions. “I’ll spit in your coffee!” Yixing warns but it doesn’t stop Baekhyun from losing his shit again.

They make themselves comfortable back on Yixing’s bed, sitting side by side. Yixing balances his laptop on his knees and watches Baekhyun fill his ears with his music. “This one sounds really good!” he yells out with giant headphones on, “I like the weird flute sounds!” Yixing pulls them off his head to reply, “I like them too, but I want to start making stuff that’s a little more abstract and experimental,” hands fluttering about, massaging the air and his face contorts with passion, “More free form you know?” The right words are just out of his grasp but Baekhyun just looks on with complete understanding. So he keeps rambling on, “Like I really like all the textures but I think recording some new sounds could completely change up the whole feel. Start from something more organic?”

“That will definitely let you play with the balance of the natural and the artificial. Like distorting the sound of the wind,” Baekhyun points to the screen illustrating his point.

Yixing enthusiastically propels his head up and down. “Exactly yeah! I wouldn’t even mind just like fusing together old stuff and completely transforming them into one piece. Make like a twenty-minute suite. That could really work for the gig as well.” Yixing starts tapping away at his laptop, flicking through files and previewing snippets, hearing them blare from the idle headphones. Some sombre, some frantic and some harsh. They all loop in Yixing’s mind, his ears attempting to warp and bend into shape each sound to fit his definition of perfection.

He flicks past one particular track from a while back, when Baekhyun stops him with a hand over his. It lingers just enough for Yixing to miss it when it’s gone. Traces of his warmth slowly dissipating. Baekhyun pulls the headphones out so they can both listen. “This one I think is my favourite!” he gesticulates at the screen again, “I love when that really heavy bass come in!”

Yixing watches Baekhyun as his neck ungulates with the music. He hits every syncopated hit and every wash of granulated noise like heavy rain. His hands wave through the air as they try to physicalize the music, moving up to its peak. His elegant fingers ripple with the sound of glittery bells and finally explode over his head, like blooming flowers. It fills Yixing with a sense of true joy. That someone as cool as Baekhyun would take so much delight in listening to something he knocked his head about to make.

“How many times have you heard this?” he asks.

“I have a playlist for my ride to work. I put some of your music on it.” He explains as the music comes to an end. “I know its old but I think you should consider it even for your portfolio or as an encore!”

“That’s if people want one”

“I want one and that should be enough of a reason,” he retorts lifting the corner of his mouth up with smugness.

“Okay then”, Yixing smiles in agreement. His peripheral vision catches Baekhyun’s raised up, proud chin. He doesn’t want to keep staring so he trains himself to focus on the screen, carefully placing the file in a folder titled, ‘Setlist.doc’.

The afternoon sun lowers in the sky and hits the sides of their faces with a hot glow of bright orange. It’s a satisfying change to the dreary weather they have been hibernating from. Yixing and Baekhyun go through every single song and compile a list of what Yixing is to maybe play and what he is to edit into something incomprehensible. It is inevitable that talk steers towards the road trip.

“I can borrow Amber’s car if I promise her that I can pay for fuel for the next month,” Baekhyun remarks as he lies flat on the bed, his limbs softly bent as they lounge about. Yixing sits up against the wall beside him, so he can peer down and watch Baekhyun’s upside down mouth, his dimpled chin looking like the eyes of a funny face.

The concept of his friend’s keen interest in his music is still weird to wrap his head around, unable to shake a tightening coil of guilt at the thought that Baekhyun is maybe sacrificing too much of his time on this road trip idea.

“Are you sure about this Baekhyun?” he asks fumbling with his fingers.

“Of course I am Yixing. You obviously need my pushy ass to make this happen,” Yixing suppresses a smile. Baekhyun stretches his gaze backwards, chin pointing to the sky and asks, “Why haven’t you anyway, put your work out there more, I mean?” his topsy-turvy eyes imploring him to speak.

“There are thousands of people just like me. How am I different?” He wants to say more, but his thoughts linger in his gut, undigested making him feel a bit ill at the thought that he can never fully express himself properly with words.

“You know that’s a load of bullshit?” Baekhyun rolls on to his belly and elbows that hold him up. The sun’s light glares against his glasses but Yixing can still make out how his eyes burn golden brown. “Yixing, do you think every time I busied and broke bones falling off my skateboard it meant I shouldn’t even try again? It's just persistence. That’s all.”

“It’s different though”

“Why did you do it then?” Baekhyun shoves his thigh playfully. “There must be a reason, yeah?”

Yixing’s fingers almost twist out of their sockets, so he starts picking at his nails instead. Music was something to past the time. A release of creative pent-up energy, to ease the boredom of real life, of a real job and rent to pay every month. He wouldn’t be able to keep his life with Sunyoung. Would he take it more seriously without her? Baekhyun’s persistent belief in him tugs at his mind. He imagines completely indulging in the pure escape of it, the elusive process he loves, negotiating through the strange and wondrous sounds it produces.

Baekhyun’s eyes calm and the suppressed words that filled him with nausea, now seep out past his lips like swirling clouds of smoke. “If I had a choice, I’d spend every waking second on it and never earn a cent”.

Baekhyun keeps quiet waiting for Yixing to continue. His eyes turn distant as he continues to reveal, “I wasn’t interested until I came to Korea. Friends were hard to come by because I couldn’t really speak the language. In my last year, there was this girl who was kind of a rebel ‘cause she wore a nose ring. I thought she was cool ‘cause she listened to [Nine Inch Nails](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao-Sahfy7Hg).” He hears Baekhyun laugh and he lowers his head.

“You started making music for a girl?”

Yixing turns bashful and mumbles, “kinda” and cringes uncontrollably.

“Cute,” Baekhyun says and it gives Yixing a little electric shock to his chest. He covers his face remembering the pitiful version of himself he sees in his memory, “No way, I was so lame! I gave her a CD of these really bad covers I made on the school computers. She snapped it right in front of me and said not to waste her time”

“Fuck that is so cold! You better have a back up of it somewhere.”

“I don’t thank god!” he tries to kick Baekhyun as a warning to never ask about it again.

“I hate you both,” he says as he tries to block Yixing’s hits. “So what happened then?”

“Nothing with her…but it started a hobby. It was fun. It beat school. I was the self-proclaimed loner so I just shut myself up in the library, listening to music and reading books, not on the curriculum. I pretty much taught myself.” He breathes in deep, noticing Baekhyun’s attentive expression. “After a while, I realized that film scores and sound design spoke to me more than a conventional song. But by that time, I was way too scared to show anyone. To know all my hours of practice were for nothing.”

“That makes sense,” Baekhyun nods along and it makes him believe that he is being understood. “When I fuck up a trick on a sidewalk, I’ve got at least twenty strangers around to see me fail. Music is harder to pin down.” Baekhyun bites away at a shy grin, stretching the skin with his teeth. “But it was worth it Yixing. You are really fucking good so just accept it already,” his voice, pure with honestly.

“I guess if you say it, it must be true” Yixing feels electricity humming around him. It zings down the tips of his toes; letting his sock covered feet nuzzle each other. Baekhyun lies back down on his back with an energetic thump, “damn right!”

He squirms against the mattress feeling out the bumps and trying to find the perfect position. He grabs a pillow and starts beating the shit out of it. Yixing watches him amused, seeing him fluff about becoming more and more unsatisfied. “Come here,” Yixing insists sliding the computer off his lap and patting it with a firm hand. Baekhyun slows his fussing to a stop and lifts his head. His brow is slightly raised as if asking the question: are you sure? Yixing is, so he pats it again and this time grabs at his loose sleeve.

Baekhyun almost looks stunned for a second, but quickly scoots up to Yixing and rests his head on his thigh. He seems a bit stiff so Yixing asks, “comfy?” He replies with a meek nod that pulls at the hem of his shorts, the contact doing something to his insides that he can’t quite comprehend. But it’s compelling. Baekhyun turns slightly; the sun blowing out his lenses again like brightly, burning headlights in the dead of night. He smiles up at him and Yixing forgets that you shouldn't look directly into an eclipse.

Time seems to almost slow, witnessing the strange phenomena. It takes his hand and moves it towards Baekhyun’s hair fanned out in front of him. Its curls spiral around each finger as he begins to bury his short nails into his scalp. Baekhyun hums, eyes sealed tight. The noise propels Yixing go a bit deeper. His eyes are fixed open as he observes Baekhyun’s fine lips, drawn slightly open and the little twitch of an eyebrow. He is mesmerized by the subtle sounds of his breath that seem to grow closer and closer together. Yixing throat starts to constrict and finds it harder to--

“Hey, I’m back!”

Like a delicate twig, Sunyoung’s voice snaps him out of his reverie. Time accelerates and the seconds vanish between the front door closing and Yixing sliding Baekhyun’s head off as he rushes out the room to greet her.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

BB: are you ready for tomorrow?

 

ZY: yeah I’ve got most of my shit packed

btw we need to pick up the recording gear at 10 am

and return it on the dot the next day by 5 pm

 

BB: I’m so hyped for a weekend

I’m 100% just using you as an excuse to get time off work

 

ZY: Me too. I can't remember the last time I went camping

 

BB: I’ll try not to be too annoying on the way there!

 

ZY: I’ll pray for a miracle

 

BB: sorry that was a typo I meant: _Yixing_ , try not to be too annoying on the way there

 

ZY: I will exceed your expectations

 

BB: as long as you make some subtle noise and movement just so I know you are still alive

 

ZY: you better bring a hand mirror to check for my breathing

 

BB: and if you aren’t?

 

ZY: then it means you’ve drained all my energy

 

BB: I AM A DEMENTOR!

 

ZY: what?

 

BB: *face palm*i refuse to believe that harry potter was never apart of your pop cultural upbringing

*sings* [why you always lyin’](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3hTwsvJV_A)[omggg stop fuckin’ lyin’](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3hTwsvJV_A)

 

ZY oh yeah I know harry potter that's the kid with the red hair right?

 

BB: okay you know I have the box set right? I will force you to watch ALL EIGHT MOVIES

 

ZY: is that a threat? because if it is

... it's working

 

BB: too late I’ve already planned it. its locked in

We will watch a movie a week

 

ZY: that's assuming our friendship will last 8 more weeks

 

BB: you’ll thank me later

 

ZY: how about I thank you now and we avoid this whole thing

 

BB: I’m ignoring you LALALALALALALAL

I’ll come to pick you up at 9:30 am and we’ll hit the road

 

ZY: okay I gotta go Baek

 

BB: Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

_Sat 9:20 am_

SY: have a good weekend

I’ll miss you

text me when you arrive so I know Baek hasn’t crashed the car

 

YX: haha

he says he is very disappointed in your lack of faith in him

 

SY: well last time we were in a car together I got whiplash

so…

 

YX: he says that it was the other driver’s fault

and says he would never put my life in danger for your sake

 

SY: good :) be safe

 

YX: <3

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

City skylines peter out into green hills. Roaring engines fade into a pristine quiet. The sky above is bright and the breeze is cool. They have been driving for about an hour already and Yixing lets his neck go slack as it gently sways against the headrest. The road ahead is barren so Baekhyun has taken it upon himself to swerve like a maniac, left and right over the solid, painted white line. Yixing has given up his calls that they’ll get caught and now just lets the velocity of the car fill his belly with butterflies.

“Do you think if I go fast enough, I can do burnouts?” Baekhyun asks flicking his excited eyes between mirrors.

“I think Amber would combust,” Yixing lets out a lethargic giggle.

The trees whip past his peripheral vision, inducing a hypnotic state. His eyes start to lose focus, their heaviness dawning on him thanks to the early start at 8 AM. A whole hour earlier than what they planned. Yixing’s phone was ringing off the hook with Baekhyun acting as his personal wake up call. He apologized by offering to pay for a McDonald’s breakfast. Hash browns never tasted so good as they drove on under the morning sun. It’s been a while since he has taken the time to enjoy the earliest parts of the day. Yixing lets its rays illuminate his skin and colour his cheeks. Since then the drive has been a smattering of their natural, playful banter and Baekhyun flicking through radio stations. Yixing just gets a buzz from hearing Baekhyun break into song.

“How is it you know all the words to Adele? I thought you only dug jazz and stuff?” Yixing asks.

“Its a staple at all wedding functions.” He explains matter-of-factly. “Also I _may_ have a soft spot for Adele”.

“Really?” he perks up at the little revelation. Baekhyun’s eyes focus on the road ahead and Yixing just wants to peer inside and discover all their hidden secrets. To delve inside his mind and study it like a book. “It seems there are a lot of things you are yet to discover about me, Zhang Yixing,” he replies with wide, theatrical eyes and mysterious deep voice, like a stage magician. As his giggles falter, Yixing notices those heavy eyes that radiate with things unsaid. Baekhyun veers the wheel one more time to the left and Yixing feels the force pull him to the right. Maybe he’ll ask about it later.

Baekhyun finally parks the car at the end of a trail of beaten up terrain. Dense forest towers over them, its shade taking some of the remaining warmth from the air. From his window, Yixing reads a wooden plaque with the words ‘National Park’ precisely carved out. Beyond, there is a flat plain of bare gravel where a couple of other cars have parked. “Probably tourists,” Baekhyun points out. “There is this vantage point further along that path,” he turns the ignition off and the deafening silence of nature hits them.

Baekhyun continues with a whisper, “My mum showed me for my 11th birthday. You could say I wasn’t over the moon,” his expression full of nostalgia, “but it was all a decoy. When I got home, I found a brand new skateboard waiting in my bedroom. It was the best day”.

“You’ll be our guide then,” Yixing says poking Baekhyun’s side and quickly escaping when Baekhyun retaliates with an attack of tickles to his sensitive neck. In the open air, his nose fills with the scent of browning leaves that crush under his feet and dance in the breeze. His ears take in the miles and miles of quiet. Not one distant car speeding past. Not one hum of an electrical box. Not one gaggle of night clubbers fumbling back home. He takes the time to stand still, listening to the ambience of his breath, the rustle of clothes and the faint call of a bird.

“Yo! [John Cage](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcHnL7aS64Y), you gonna help me with this?” Baekhyun pops his bubble as he shoves one of the hard rental cases in his hand along with his tightly packed backpack. With a hearty slap on the arm, Baekhyun makes Yixing move, “let’s go. I promise I won’t get ourselves lost”. Yixing gladly follows behind him as he leads them through a marked out trail, the signpost pointing to their destination.

“And I promise if we do and we have to result to survival mode, I won’t eat you first”.

“That's very kind of you, Baekhyun”.

A dimply smile constantly gracing his face as they go deeper into a maze of moss covered rock and contorted branches.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

_Sat 11:12 am_

 

YZ: made it

If Baek didn’t kill me on the road he might lead us off a cliff

 

 

_Sat 12:59 pm_

 

SY: sorry for the late reply

I’m with Amber and the little cousins today

we decided on the zoo

glad you are okay :)

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Babbling brooks bubble and pop. Streams sizzle over fallen branches, knocking about small stones. They click and clack against each other as they toss about the current. Yixing picks up one and lets it fall with a splash. He dries his damp fingers on his dirtied jeans. He scrapes a twig against a flat piece of rock hearing it score across like a low grumble. The wind blows and tall blades of grass waves in a shimmer of white noise. In a cave, they make obscure sounds with the back of their mouth hearing the echoes fade away like a delay. They click their fingers and blow bursts of air from vibrating lips.

Baekhyun rolls down grassy hills and Yixing records all his cries of laughter and profanities. They sit in absolute silence, legs crossed, letting the microphone capture every intricate bit of nature that envelops around them. They mime words to each other to keep themselves from polluting the recording. But Baekhyun does anyway when he sneezes and Yixing wins their bet, getting to punish him with a fatal flick to his forehead.

Baekhyun climbs a sturdy tree and finds a nest. Yixing passes him the recording gear made up of one microphone, one pair of earphones and one recorder. With careful instruction, he lets Baekhyun record minute sounds of delicate eggs shells hatching and tiny baby birds chirping to life. Baekhyun then takes the gear hostage, speaking directly into the mic, obsessed with the sound of his own voice. Every time Yixing tries to steal it off him, Baekhyun threatens to drop it from where he is perched up in the tree. So he relents and lets Baekhyun make strange melodies and experiment with the texture of his voice. From gargling to popping his lips to sharp inhalations of breath. Everything they capture becomes the raw materials that Yixing will craft into an eloquent piece of music.

He already plans out in his mind what will work and where. Plotting out a structure and secretly pumped at Baekhyun’s vocal abstractions. He even starts recording some of their conversations, musing on how long it takes for a tree to grow and freaking each other with made up stories that a serial killer is on the loose after finding police tape spiralled around the protruding roots of a giant tree. They gallivant throughout the entire park, completely lost in each other, stealing glances and exchanging impish assaults.

Under a canopy of tall trees they find a still creek. The water is clear all the way down as they peer over to stare at schools of translucent fish and birds drinking from its edges. Here they decide to rest a bit, taking a seat on a large rock face, its texture smooth blanketed in bright green. Baekhyun swings his backpack around and takes out two tin foil covered sandwiches. Its metallic crunching glitters in Yixing’s ear as he makes note to record its sounds later.

Right now his stomach aches, craving the smell of peanuts that fall out into the air. He takes bite and as the bread melts in his mouth he makes audible groans of approval. “This is literally the best peanut butter sandwich I’ve ever had,” he says eyeballing at the way Baekhyun tries to gulp down a massive portion that he shoves in his own mouth.

“It’s pretty good”, his words are slightly muffed as crumbs burst out his lips. Yixing smirks at his desperate hunger. Yixing nods his head and takes another satisfying bite, “you put the perfect amount and didn’t add butter,” he illustrates to Baekhyun by exposing the insides of his bread, “I hate that”.

“Me too,” Baekhyun grins revealing a mouth guard made up of a bread-y, peanut-y pulp.

Yixing winces through a warm smile, finding the whole scene endearingly gross. As they munch down on their lunch they create a pool of crumbs on their laps. Baekhyun gets a swab of gooey peanut butter on his chin and Yixing licks his thumb to wipe it off.

“You are such a grub,” Baekhyun only raises his chin letting Yixing rub it all off like a child. He can almost feel the beginnings of Baekhyun’s rough stubble and the way it causes slight friction under his skin. His mind instantly compares it to the smoothness of Sunyoung’s chin. After a second too long he detaches himself and wipes the residue against his jeans that erases the prickly sensation starting to form at the tips of his fingers. He glances back at Baekhyun who hurriedly is wiping off the saliva with the floppy cuffs of his oversized, sweater sleeve.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

_Sat 01:30pm_

 

SY: *sent a video*

that’s me btw getting pooped on hahahaha

Amber might have an issue controlling her bladder when it comes to poop related humour

I think we should invest in adult pads for her next Christmas present

Also you are probably busy but let me know what time you are getting back

 

_Sat 9:13pm_

 

SY: those kids took it out of me

i’m going to bed

good night xoxo

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Baekhyun figured a night out camping under the stars was pointless unless he brought at least a six-pack of beer with them. They consumed the lot, chugging down the malty fizz while crowded around a dimming fire pit. They had spent hours trudging up hills and down wild terrain leaving them with sore feet and sunken eyes. It meant finding a place to set up camp at one of the parks’ designated rest areas. There are a few clean, cut logs that form the perimeter of the grassy flatland. A few other campers are dotted around rugged up in dense north face jackets and hiking boots, while all Yixing and Baekhyun have are their scuffed up trainers and five layers of jumpers stacked overcoats. It’s just enough to keep them from feeling the icy air.

Baekhyun sniffles, his twitching nose red as always, while collecting the clinking bottles into a little huddle next to their tent ready to discard in the morning. Yixing rubs his hands together to rid his numb fingers, blowing hot air from his lungs. A large puff of his smoky breath leaves him when Baekhyun taps him on the shoulder and signals for bed.

They almost hurdle over each other, laughing at the chaos as they tumble into the content warmth of their sleeping bags. With chattering teeth they zip up and squirm around finally resting on their backs. As they settle their breathing becomes slower and the pitch-black darkness lulls them, sleep nearing. The tent is just big enough for the two of them and Baekhyun’s right shoulder is pressed right up against Yixing’s left. Even with layers of fabric, there is comfort knowing he isn’t out here alone. That Yixing wanted to come. That he wanted to freeze his ass off in the middle of nowhere with him. He stirs from his impending dreams, eyes just about to slip shut when Yixing whispers his name.

“Psst! Hey you awake?”

Baekhyun turns his head slightly, keeping up the pretense of sleep. Again Yixing whispers a teasing melody, “Baekhyun, I know you are awake…” Baekhyun bursts his eyes open and his vision becomes filled with a grinning Yixing, his head poking out from his cocoon of blankets and his cheeks squashed inwards from the angle.

“I was just about to drift off you asshole” he groggily quips and Yixing tries to nudge him back in response but can’t because all his limbs are wrapped up tight. He apologizes regardless with soft eyes and Baekhyun finds it endearing. “Are you warm enough?” Yixing asks in a whisper and Baekhyun nods.

“I think I could heat up a dying sun I’m so warm.”

“Good…” Yixing folds his lips in as if to stop from saying anything more, “It was a good day, yeah?”

Baekhyun hums to agree still peering over at Yixing’s hesitant lips. His drunken mind doesn’t really meander on the thought as he sees those same lips speak again. “Thanks again for today. I’m really inspired to make some new music.” His voice is soft and low crackling like cocoa puffs when it gets low like that.

“I’m glad then.” A breeze sweeps by and rattles the tent slightly, the vibrations sounding like a reminder, “next time we should do this with the others too” Baekhyun sniffles. “Sure, but… its cool with just us though.” Yixing says burying his head further into the warmth, like a turtle finding shelter in its shell. “Its like we are in a secret club. No girls allowed…”

“Way to be progressive Yixing,” he teases back with a playful smile.

“Yah! I didn’t mean it like that,” he scolds back.

“I know,” Baekhyun assures him, hiding the same desire to keep this back and forth a secret, away from everyone else.

“Good”.

Strangely there is an uneasy silence that follows and its weird cause they never slip into awkward pause. Baekhyun examines Yixing again and sees his teeth gnaw at his plump lower lip. He notices his chapped lips and the creases that have formed bloodied slits. He notices his tongue dampen them and the way he sucks the skin till it runs white. His eyes avert and it’s just another tiny detail that quenches Baekhyun’s curiosity. It pulls at his insides and forces out a question, “What’s on your mind?”

And like a needle popping a balloon, his query makes the words burst out of Yixing.

“Did you always know you were gay?” His voice is slightly breathless as if waiting that whole time for permission to drop a tonne of bricks. Baekhyun is stunned for a bit. Still processing the fact that Yixing had asked him something beyond skateboard tricks and cheat codes. The thought that Yixing is possibly intrigued by him lights up a fire in his chest, the heat swirls around and he can feel sweat forming at the base of his back.

“You don’t have to answer--”

“No, its fine its just I…” He interrupts immediately, not willing to let the moment pass into another casual conversation. “I guess for the most part… yeah,” he lets out a nervous giggle. The fire tickles in his throat, the words burning there ready to get out. They want Yixing to know about him. Who he is. Outside of Amber and his family no one really knows him. He takes a steady breath and rolls over to his side to face Yixing, “I mean like I don’t really remember…its always been there. Apart of me even when I didn’t know”

Yixing grins at him and winces almost shy, “I guess I’m referring to wet dream territory”.

“Oh,” Baekhyun giggles breathlessly and it loosens his tongue to delve deeper. He decides to start from the furthest memory.

“When I was a kid I didn’t really like-like anyone. Everyone else at school would play kissing games with the girls and that sorta shit but I just thought it was dumb”. His nose starts to leak and he wipes it against his sleeping bag. “So I always felt different. But I knew for certain when this new kid in my class showed up two weeks into my sophomore year. He stood there in front of the class in his immaculate uniform. Like I was gobsmacked. Like I literally drooled on my desk”. He remembers scurrying through his bag to find a tissue and soak up any trace of his embarrassment.

“What was he like?” Yixing voices, the question ending with a whimsical whisper. Baekhyun is so close he can feel his words fan across his face. His mind takes him back to that time. Feels the same explosion of his senses that drew him in like magnet. He remembers how that boy invaded his thoughts and at night would touch himself and innocently plan their life together.

“His name was Park Chanyeol, and holy fuck he was a babe. Probably still is”. He continues to bask in the frozen images of his past. He doesn’t notice the way Yixing keeps his eyes trained, totally absorbed.

“Back then, he had this really long shaggy hair swept to the side. His eyes were bright and he had this crazy, wild laugh I could always hear a mile away”. His nostalgic gaze grows unfocused as his whispers continue to recollect. “We got to know each other a bit after a group assignment but I was always way too scared to talk to him like a functioning human being. Like I would just blubber out a confession at any moment. He was just so fucking cool and charming and he could literally do anything. Such an overachiever, thinking back he must have been under so much pressure. But he just consumed all my thoughts. And those feelings were so new, you know? I hadn’t felt that way about anyone and I didn’t know anyone else who was gay. So I kept it to myself. Bad idea… The more I waited, the more I hoped he would be mine because he never dated anyone, even though he could of. He was super popular. Even with teachers. He was the type to just take out a guitar seemingly out of thin air and play it at a party; made all the girls swoon”. He finally takes pause and notices the corner of Yixing’s mouth rise.

“What?” Baekhyun’s eyebrows rising like a question.

“Sounded like you were in love”.

“I don’t know.” He claims with slight disdain. “It sucks to be that caught up with someone… I crushed on this guy for two years, slowing building up the courage and the anticipation totally maxed out. The moment I decided to confess was the day he held hands down the hall with his new girlfriend. She was the school president. They were the perfect couple and it shattered me. I cried and cried that night not because I was upset I couldn’t have him… but because I thought I could never have _that_. To be able to be a normal couple and walk down the street without it being an issue. That could never be me.” He sniffles again and hopes Yixing thinks it’s from the cold.

“You seem so confident though? None of it seems to bother you now,” Yixing chirps with naive optimism as Baekhyun remembers those newly born baby birds. A bitter smile creeps onto his face at the thought of all those dead end guys. Years of frustration have built up and the resentment boils in his gut like bubbling tar. It sticks to his insides finding it impossible to scrub it away. The wind blows again and he feels it violently shake all the way down to his bones. It’s another cold reminder. His tone becomes infused with the aroma of dried leaves as he feels all his hope crumbling away.

“I’ll tell you a little known fact about me Yixing… without fail I cry every single time I watch Romeo and Juliette…” he slows his words, careful with his pace realizing he has never really voiced them out loud. “I know, I know it’s a fucked up, childish romance but... I just wish I could know what it feels like to be that overwhelmingly in love, that it completely erases all logic”. His voice is hushed like the forest isn’t enough to keep his secret. “Even if it’s just for a day… I so badly want to know”.

Baekhyun expects a ridiculing scoff from Yixing but the wind settles into another silence. He lifts his gaze to Yixing again and sees the same kind eyes and same soft, low voice that reverberates through him all the time.

“I think you’ll find out”.

Their eyes feel the weight of the day as they both lull into a state of serene sleep.

Baekhyun makes one final peep as if half speaking from within a dream, “either that or make out with Leo. I’d die happy”. He smiles, believing there is one last ember inside him that fuels his hope.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

_Sun 3:01pm_

 

YZ: Hey sorry i didn’t realize my shitty phone service wouldn’t work out here

we had a really good time got a lot of great stuff

keen to get home :)

 

SY: its cool

I figured

missed you

 

YZ: same here

we should be back in a couple of hours so like 5:30?

 

SY: we should have dinner out!

 

YZ: Baekhyun agrees

 

SY: oh.

i should invite amber then

 

YZ: sorry i just assumed you meant all four of us

 

SY: its okay we can just do the group dinner earlier than usual

i’m down :)

 

YZ: you sure?

 

SY: i’m nodding aggressively

 

YX: that makes the three of us

see you then

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Nails puncture the inside of his head. The shooting pain stabs him with every flutter of his eyelids. His throat is desert dry and his saliva thick like molasses. He tries to pull himself up from bed leaving a damp outline of sweat. The sheets cling to him as he untangles himself from their clutches. Finally he finds escape and makes a quick run to the bathroom, almost tripping over himself. His hands are jittery and the back of his throat starts to convulse. The vomit surges out like acid spluttering against the bowl and he coughs out every last drop of rancid shit. Fuck hangovers suck. Yixing makes a solemn pact to himself never to drink again. Thinking back on the night before, he starts to make out black holes in his memory.

They had decided the night shouldn’t end at the restaurant so they carried on to a club close by. Yixing remembers entering a dimly lit corridor, its walls lined with mirrors that formed an illusion of a dark infinity. He inhaled the heavy air, polluted with musk and slight haze. The congestion and dark lights blanketed around them as they wove through sweaty bodies trying to find a place to sit. He remembers Sunyoung grasping his hand in an invitation to dance. At least the music was decent.

He followed her, each step in time with the mechanical 4/4 bass hits. He felt her body move against his. Her arms swaying in the air and twirling fingers that blocked streams of green lasers, like sun streaking through vertical blinds. He let himself be taken by her and the music, feeling it reverberate all the way down his spine. He hadn’t had a drop of water all night and the more he danced the more moisture leaves his mouth. He craved it and decided to make an early departure. Unfazed, Sunyoung spun around to face a headbanging Amber, joining in on the fun. He hears her booming laughter over the shrill synth stabs.

He remembers the cool water finally filling his mouth and exhaling a sense of relief. After filling up another satisfying gulp and let his eyes peer over the smudged rim. He tells himself to look out for thin stripes of yellow and black. He told Baekhyun earlier that he looked like a bumble bee and he just owned it, making buzzing sounds in Yixing’s ear all night. He remembers the tickling sensation and the giggles it brought to his lips. He finally catches sight of his bee across the bar, buzzing around some tall guy in some tailored suit. Probably a banker. Baekhyun hates bankers. All that corporate bullshit. It’s fucking boring. Baekhyun isn’t boring. He is interesting; full of playful quips and full bodied laughs. He is so cool and always wants to spend time just hanging out. He is always there to help and make him see things in a new way. He is the greatest friend he has ever had--

He is kissing him. The suit. In a sloppy swirl of tongues and his arms hanging off broad shoulders.

Yixing remembers having had enough water. He needs another drink. Yeah… he wants to feel that numbing trail of vodka down the hatch. Over and over.

Then he remembers nothing.

The pain in his head starts to calm after taking a curative hit of paracetamol. But every attempt to unlock hidden memories from the night before feels like ringing out the last few drops of water from a bone, dry cloth. With his mind drawing a complete blank, he fishes his phone from his discarded pair of jeans on the floor and sits back down on the low mattress, the springs squeaking with his weight.

Scrolling through his recent calls he finds Baekhyun’s name scattered in between calls from his mum and a few from Sunyoung. He taps his name and there is an antsy wait until he hears his voice come through. His breath gets caught on his thick saliva and his stomach feels like it could hurl back up the dry toast he forced himself to eat earlier.

“Hey Xing-ja! You okay?” Baekhyun sounds a bit gravelly and Yixing imagines him rubbing his squishy face with hurried hands and the way his hair stands up at attention when he just wakes up. He joked one time that Baekhyun looked like Goku, which resulted in ten minutes of them screaming at the top of their lungs, trying to reach [Super Saiyan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QyJh2GWBR4) status.

Yixing clears his throat at the flashback as it falters with his reply, “yeah I’m okay…I feel like I’ve drunk pure acid and its eating away at my internal organs but other than that I’m peachy”. At his dull delivery, he hears Baekhyun’s laughter through the garbled distortion of the phone band, “I think my light pockets stopped me from going overboard. How much did you drink anyway?”

“I can’t remember much…” all that flickers through Yixing’s mind is the mangled memory of that guy ramming his tongue down Baekhyun’s throat. “Nothing bad happened though, right?” he enquires.

Baekhyun howls, crackling with laughter trying to find his voice to speak, “Holy shit! Yixing you were off your face. I turned away for a second and this guy tried to hook up with me, then you popped up out of nowhere, going on and on about something. To be honest I couldn’t make anything out through your hectic slurring.” Yixing silently floods with embarrassment. Fuck he will never order straight vodka again.

“Then you started to get up in his face and this dude was like getting really pissed off because you were interrupting us or some bullshit. I was just amused by the whole thing until he shoved you and called you a jerk. I was gonna step in, but you serendipitously decided that, then would be the greatest time to projectile vomit all over the guy!” Yixing buries his face in his hands, wincing incredibly hard. “I cannot believe I did that,” he grumbles the whines from the back of his throat.

“Yixing it was amazing! This guy was just like totally stunned into another universe. I pulled you out of the crowd to make a run for it but it was hard with you stumbling all over the place, so the bouncer eventually found us and kicked us out.”

“What? I’m so, so sorry. I’m a such piece of shit,” his phone starts to feel uncomfortably hot against his ear.

“Don’t worry,” Baekhyun dismisses. “This one time I spewed all over a friend’s cat. It was like I murdered someone. That tool though, he deserved it,” making sure to puncture every syllable right in the receiver.

Yixing can only listen to the irrational swirl of blame, his voice coming out like a wounded child. “But I ruined the night,” biting back his lower lip in dismay.

Baekhyun finally calms down from almost laughing out his liver. “No way, the night was a blast thanks to you. I could have pissed myself. Although you do owe me one since I carried you back up to your apartment.” Yixing thinks he gets a flash of the warmth he felt from Baekhyun’s back and the vibrations from his voice, grateful he could remember something nice.

“I’ll do anything!” his groveling becomes laced with laughter, “You are awesome, thanks Baek.” A vague relief fizzles out of him as he lies back on the bed and switches the phone to his other ear. Light patterns project and traverse across the ceiling. He makes out silhouettes of moving trees, swaying is slow-motion as he waits for Baekhyun’s demands. He would do anything.

“The H.P. movie extravaganza is definitely happening now”

“Fine!” he relents too quickly, letting his dimply grin shine with delight at the promise

 


	6. Chapter 6

 

Baekhyun lies in bed and lets his phone slip away from his ear as he stares aimlessly into the blinding light of his bedroom window. The sky, a wash of bright blue and not a spot of cloud in sight. He leaves the window open so he can hear the world spin on its axis. It coaxes him into a dream state. He thinks he is still in one, high off the hysterics from his two-hour phone call with Yixing. He awoke to his phone’s vibrations bellow his pillow and slowly his sleepy smile formed when he heard Yixing sing him good morning through the filtered phone band, like waking up right next to him.

His lethargic gaze stares across at the bed sheets, creases forming soft shadows like a topographic map, as if he is floating above land. He imagines Yixing making the mattress depress beside him, having to roll around to speak to him with his lazy eyelids that droop and his straight brows that quirk, revealing concealed jokes that only they can understand.

He ruminates on the weekend that passed all too quickly and how they shared that tiny tent, maybe missing the heat of Yixing’s shoulder nudging up next to him. Maybe it was their late night conversation, but it feels like another stitch has sewn them just that bit closer together. It makes him wonder if those ties would have been stronger if they had met sooner. What must he have been like before they met? What had he felt when meeting Sunyoung or what he was like as a little kid?

The thoughts circle around like an endless film reel, wishing they were full of images that could project their time growing up by each other’s sides, learning everything there is to know about Yixing.

The time tells him she should get up and start his day. What he would give to just stay in bed dreaming or just ride around that empty bus with Yixing for hours.

That’s right. Bus rides with Yixing make being on his feet for hours dealing with teary, drunk brides and resentful groomsmen all worth it. At midnight Baekhyun clears what seems to be his 112th plate, his feet unconsciously weave through a dance floor of men with loosened ties and women with bare feet trying with awkward incompetence to dance to Earth, Wind and Fire.

He knows the best man will make an embarrassment of himself smashed on expensive champagne. He knows at least one bridesmaid will irrationally cry her eyes out if they don't catch the bouquet, fearing the life of a spinster. He knows half the wedding party will switch plates preferring beef to fish and complain under hushed breathes that it all tastes like shit anyway. The flowers, the massive cakes and for some a horse drawn carriage stripped straight from fairy tales, are all part of this shrill industry that he knows charges three times the normal amount for napkins just because it’s a wedding and is intended to be this one in a lifetime, special day.

However, there is this genuinely beautiful part of the night, right before the couple steps out the front doors and leave to start their new lives together. There is this subtle look they share. He likes to think it’s mixed with equal parts hope and terror, an acknowledgement that they’re both diving head first into the complete darkness of the unknown. There is always this flickering happiness in their exchanged glances that always manages to strum at his heart.

Meanwhile, he is stuck in this revolving door of opulent, corporate romanticism forever wondering if he’ll ever be able to feel those intense parallel emotions surging through clasped hands, feet walking in sync towards a future built together. He tries to imagine the hands he would hold. Their texture, their firm grip and their unbounded warmth.

It reminds him of those caring hands that had held his after falling butt first on unforgiving cement. His unashamed bravado aimed to impress by grinding down a stair railing but had omitted that it had been a while since he had done it and pulled it off he had only ever pulled it off once. The epic fall had torn his jean pocket completely off his backside, hearing a chuffed voice ring in his ear joke, “don’t worry Baek, I’ll just put your pocket in mine”.

Then when those same fingers ruffled his hair as they always do, catching slightly in his knotted curls. The memory stays burning like a warm fire in his mind, lighting up the image of a glowing smile and the shadow of that deep dimple—

“And what are you so happy about?”

Sehun breaks his daydream as he attaches his consciousness back to the reality of a bustling kitchen as he unloads more food scraps into the bin. He must have been standing there for while, eyes unblinking and distant. He looks up to Sehun who is wiping down stainless steel countertops reflecting a dull, warped reflection of the underside of his chin. Unfazed, he starts on the next pile of plates, “…Nothing”.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

The whirring of his laptop fan resonates in the chilly, late afternoon air. The sun loses its heat and Yixing sits on cold grass, uncaring for the green stains that rub against his jeans. All his attention is focused on the sequencing of beats and distorting of textures. He eyes the time. Only an hour till work starts and his disinterest in ever going back have kept increasing.

His back aches from all the hunching. Cracking his neck, Yixing takes the time to peer out into the distance. He smiles when he notices Baekhyun whipping past his vision like a tornado. He’s been circling Yixing through the curved concrete paths that snake their way through the park in spirals. Birds flutter away in fear as Baekhyun grinds his wheels and propels forwards, against the hard cracked ground with grungy sneakers.

Yixing takes in a satisfying breath, preferring the open air to his desk. His back had been aching from the hardness of his chair and his nose exhausted from breathing in stale cups of tea and coffee crowd along the edges. Outside, his mind feels clear as his creativity sparkles, buzzing away and finding all sorts of crazy and bizarre sounds born from their adventures in the forest.

His ears adore the random patterns, crafted out of splashes of water, sounding vibrant and fresh taking him back to the running streams and Baekhyun jumping through the current. He finds a use for their footfalls against compact soil as sporadic bass hits, echoed and pushed down in pitch. Bird calls transform into melodic structures that wane into manipulated, rhythmic breaths fluctuating in and out of a smooth, soaring synth sampled from Baekhyun’s hums and whistles.

Even glitches that that would always drive him nuts have become an organic part of his process that he can now see make for interesting digital interruptions that juxtapose against the natural grain of jostling leaves. Baekhyun grinds his board to a halt and taps him on the shoulder, signalling him to take his earphones off. “Hey, I’m gonna head off now,” he remarks looking at his phone. Yixing puts on a cartoonish pout, “all of a sudden?” he whines grabbing at Baekhyun’s free hand.

“Dude, we’ve been here for four hours already. My thighs are on fire, plus I promised I’d Skype my mother in half an hour”

“Okay…” Yixing drawls wanting to extend the farewell just that bit longer. He fiddles with the length of Baekhyun’s fingers, playing with their pliability, twisting them and examining the creases in his knuckles. A fine layer of sweat makes their contact clammy but Yixing doesn’t care. It makes the slide of skin easier and their hold warmer. He is starting to hate work, even more, knowing he’ll have to let go soon.

“I might stay for bit more. You sure you gotta go?” Yixing asks with an obvious display of fluttery eyelashes. They gaze at each other with cheery smiles as they let their cheeks bloom in the crisp breeze. Baekhyun, framed by a melting setting sun, sizzling burnt orange and hot red. Yixing’s eyes reflect flecks of its fading fire.

“I’ll text you after you finish?” Baekhyun asks voice soft, his usual mischief slightly deflating into something shy and small.

“It's too long to wait,” Yixing says, pulling at his arm, almost popping it out the socket, “Come with me to work! You’ll make it so much more fun,” his playful tugging making Baekhyun giggle as his body flails back and forth and his bangs sway softly over his eyebrows. “Yah! I got to eat and be a good son! And you got to go hustle and pay rent,” Baekhyun quips back.

“Capitalism sucks!” Yixing retorts and regretfully lets him go, missing the heat of their hands as the sun fades with it. Baekhyun skates away towards the distant horizon and Yixing can’t help but feel he is taking something with him. His chest filled with nothing but loss.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

“This is the fourth time you’ve been late in the last two weeks, Yixing”

His boss’ condescending voice meets him as he attempts an incognito slide into his desk. He cowers over his keyboard trying to avoid the whole confrontation. All he does is mutter an apology and hopes she drops it like yesterday. “I can’t keep covering for you. I have my own responsibilities,” she clicks her tongue in disappointment and the sound makes little effect on Yixing’s conscience. He just keeps his face forward internally counting the seconds that tick away on the wall for the moment she finally just leaves.

“Ten minutes late, fine,” voice stern and berating, “but I cannot tolerate forty minutes…Yixing!” He turns to face her and bows his head in submission. But he promises to himself it’ll the last time he ever sacrifices the little pride he has left in this soul-sucking place.

His shift feels incredibly long and all he can think of is attaching himself back to his laptop and tinker with the expanse of the reverb or push the bass so far it overdrives and distorts in his ear.

Sitting at this flimsy desk and creaky swivel chair is starting to feel more and more redundant. It’s everything he hates, everything that sucks away his inspiration and energy. It’s like he has been taken hostage and tortured for eternity, forced to watch large chunks of his precious time burn away in front of his eyes, turning to ash when he could be using it to build himself a whole new universe of his own. He’ll quit soon.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

 

ZY: Guess what

BB: Work was shit

ZY: Absolute shit

I was late again -_-

BB: why do you even show up?

ZY: I looked into it and I could always teach uni kids at some art/music school audio production once I get accredited.

BB: sounds like the perfect thing.

ZY: thanks again.

BB: aww schucks!

I don’t want to rub anything in but my night was great

pretty much just stayed in bed eating ramen. Mum is good too. Asked about you. Also, I listened to that [album](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HP4WdiU7xe0)!

ZY: Your mum is the best.

@ album: what did you think?

BB: 10/10

ZY: seriously

awesome !!! I’m glad. Its one of my favourites

 

BB: I actually cried

ZY: you know they are from New Orleans so it was inspired by hurricane Katrina.

BB: umm you asshole don’t make me tear up again

ZY: Man… if I could do that with my music

make someone cry

I’d die happy

BB: Don’t worry. I’ve got it covered. You’ll smash it at the gig (obviously) and I’ll be blubbering in the corner but please don’t die

ZY: Am I that great?

BB:YES everyone fails in comparison

ZY: don’t lie

 

BB: I’m serious! Very very serious.

ZY: You aren’t half bad yourself

BB: I’m sorry did you mean I’m the greatest person you’ve ever met...?

'cause I think that's what you meant

ZY: Yes your majesty

 

BB: Hey... you know that I mean it right?

You are like one of the best people I know If not THE best

 

ZY: I highly doubt that

 

BB: There you go again

ZYWhat?

BB: You always put your self down

 

ZY: Oh…

 

 

BB: What’s up with that?  All I see is an awesome person. You are super talented and passionate about your music but always stay humble. You speak multiple languages. IMO that already makes you a superhero. You are shy but try to overcome it and when you do you make me piss myself laughing. And you made me feel like a normal person and not just the token gay dude. PLUS your butt is great. There I said it!

ZY: Undercutting a heartfelt message with humor.

A thing I like about you too.

 

BB: Is that it? BRO! I spilt my heart out

ZY: BRO! I’m still thinking

BB: still thinking!?!??? BRO

ZY: BRO!

 

BB: You must know by now I was fishing for compliments and I need more...just go from the top of the dome. freestyle

 

ZY: Fine... you are like someone who is like this brilliant light and yeah just you are a very warm person I guess. You’ve helped me feel more comfortable about things and you support me and push me. You don’t judge people unless they made poor life decisions as a kid and thought a fluro fedora was cool. Like you are very accepting and generous. You want everyone in the room to laugh and have a good time. And yeah just like very raucous but just want simple things like good friends and to be loved. I liked you straight away.

 

BB: Thank you Yixing

ZY: it's all good

 

BB: needs bit of an edit though

 

ZY: Ha. ha. ha.

you little shit

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Baekhyun lies in bed sandwiched between his mattress and heavy piles of blankets. Ice creeps over his window, cracking like the veins of a leaf. He sniffles from the cold, his red nose shining against the light of his phone. His eyes jitter as he scans and re-reads Yixing’s message over and over. Picking apart every perfect word as they echo through his head like the distant memory of an old song. His eyes are glued open, the stinging dryness turning wet as the words burn into his retina. How is it that Yixing can so effortlessly touch the depths of his heart without laying a single, intimate caress on his skin? Those hands he now imagines running through his hair and holding him close so they’re pressed against each other, bare-chested. He closes his eyes, a tear racing down his cheek only to be absorbed by his pillow. The scales of his mind tip towards guilt, the realization crashing down on him as he empties the floodgates of his emotions. Crying to the silence, wishing he could just rid himself of the pain. “Fuck…” he says, spit spiked with anguish, “I really like him…”

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

The air is much thicker with haze floating through it. Baekhyun breathes it in watching the way Yixing nervously scurries over the small platform, hooking up his laptop, audio mixer and controller. Everything he needs to transform the run down warehouse with its concrete pylons and industrial air vents that suspend from the ceiling, into a completely open space filled with rolling hills, billowing clouds and covered in the textures of the forest. He hasn’t heard much of what Yixing has made for tonight’s performance but he can only imagine the wonder it will inspire.

He had been begging Yixing for the tiniest preview. A couple of seconds at the very most. But Yixing wouldn’t back down, insisting it be a surprise. Baekhyun can tell there are people speaking to and around him, their voices filled with questions and laughter but they all merge into one long rumble as all his attention focuses in on Yixing’s jittery hands that plugin chords and the way they fumble with his earlobes and rack through his hair.

In the mild darkness of the venue, he allows himself to smile at the endearing image of Yixing in this unprecedented moment, sharing his music in front of a crowd of strangers. All gather, filling up patches on the ground, sitting on beanbags or standing around with dewy glasses of alcohol. A few other artists have already performed, some straight up deep house beats, some future bass, some grimy trap some complete and utter noise made up of deafening bass drones, meandering like smoke that then fades to nothing.

Everything has been a thrill to the ear but Baekhyun only longs to hear what Yixing possibly concocted from the raw sounds that they recorded together in that Eden. He sees Yixing race towards him, dodging the audience scattered about. He is out of breath and his pits are dark from sweat. “Hey Baek,” Yixing hugs him, hello and murmurs in his ear, making all his fine hairs rise, “Can you believe I forgot the bloody video”.

Baekhyun laughs out raspy and light headed from the proximity. “I didn’t have enough time to make something so this morning I just did a random search and linked them to a documentary about New Zealand, farm [sheep](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvOBCDavpw4). I hope it works well”. Baekhyun smiles brightly at him and all of Yixing’s nervous ticks. His voice goes all high pitched and broken and his bottom lip becomes victim to his teeth and fingers that like to fold them in half.

“That sounds perfect,” he assures Yixing with a hand on his shoulder, his body wanting nothing more than to stretch his fingers around his nape and cradle him, sharing their heat and whispering caring words in his ear. Baekhyun tries to avoid staring but he becomes magnetized to his eyes that just stare back. Heat rushes to his cheeks becoming all too aware of himself. So he stops. He has to.

A sneezing Sunyoung is right behind him wearing a face mask, with Amber making sure the scarf around her neck his wrapped up tight.

“Yah Sunnie, you promise you’ll go straight home after?” Yixing yells at her with a smile. Baekhyun can only read it as a look of love. His eyes become downcast and lose their sparkle a bit remembering Yixing isn’t his. He sidesteps away slightly, taking a slow breath to try and loosen the knot in his chest.

“I promise. Amber will drive me back right after you play, so I can wallow away at my deteriorating body”, she smiles, eyes creasing as he kisses the top of her head.“Yah! I’m no longer contagious,” she says with a dry cough, lowering her mask and puckering her lips for a kiss. “Best to be safe,” Yixing jokes getting a playful shove. Baekhyun tries to laugh along with Amber, but the energy behind it is exhausted. Behind the facade of friendship, all he has is his imagination that puts Yixing’s lips on his. He knows its fucked, that he is only reverting back to that high school version of himself, growing attached to something he knows he can’t possibly have.

But his mind drowns in the thoughts that he knows are wrong. Wants to swim in it. Be surrounded by it. Invade his lungs and every pore of his body. He’ll give himself that if he can’t have anything else. “Yixing, you're up now,” a guy with visible piercings that glint all over his face says as he passes by towards the AV desk that sits at the back of the open space. Yixing nods and takes a shuddering breath. Behind him, the stage lights up with a large, rectangular projection of blue light. Yixing steps into it like a spotlight, as close ups of fuzzy sheep chomping on wads of grass layers over his skin, the changing landscapes of large misty mountains hiding him like camouflage as the rest of the room slowly dims into darkness.

In the last few moments of ambient light he catches Yixing’s gaze and mouths, “don’t be nervous” feeling a wave of joy when Yixing mouths back with mirth in his eyes, “it's all your fault”.

They sit near the front on the comfy beanbags, huddled together along with an eclectic assortment of punters. Goths with heavy black lids and buckled boots that Sunyoung eyes and eventually complements them on. A group of grungy teens with ripped everything and spiky red hair. Girls in suits, bare faced and others in layers of chiffon and glittery cheeks. A few guys holding skateboards and wearing low caps that Baekhyun recognizes and waves to from afar.

Suddenly his ears are consumed by the cluttering of rocks that loop in a crooked rhythm. Its like there is a beat but then it falls apart. A wash of a windy pad blows him over as he lets the sound waves cascade over his senses. Yixing’s eyes never break contact with his screen. His fingers dance over a small worn out keyboard with buttons that light up when he triggers the sounds of mangled textures of various things: birds, grass, twigs snapping.

With closed eyes, Baekhyun feels a deep bass roll in like waves at high tide. It oscillates through his whole body, feeling his organs vibrate. In his mind’s eye, the music takes on the memories of their escape in the woods. The wind through branches reminding him of those secret words he whispered in the night air. As Yixing continues to play, the grains of free form sounds start to build into a structure made by an intricate fluttering of drum patterns that whiz and swirl and beat faster than his heart races.

His fingertips try and tap along the surface of his knees, but just as he thinks he finds it the rhythm, the music changes again, shifting along like the sun over the sky. Ambient swaths of vocal synths, like clouds, linger in the air give pause to a moment of pure relaxation. Peppered in are fragments of words. Syllables that act as lyrics from some imagined language. He thinks he can recognize the timbre of his own voice in there and it makes him selfishly proud. That he could be apart of something Yixing made. Something so beautiful, he becomes lost in the landscapes of noise.

Yixing keeps some clips in their raw, unfiltered form but completely manipulates others into something unrecognizable. Beakhyun sits stunned, reverberation pounding out of large speakers, hitting him right in the gut. It’s music with form and without it. Playing by its own rules. Free of constraints but understanding and acknowledging tradition, with chord progressions that emote and addictive ostinato figures that get stuck in his head.

Baekhyun almost cries from the silence as the lights bloom again and Yixing makes his way off the stage with shy waves and bows of thanks. Amber is roaring from behind in applause and Sunyoung stands and rapidly claps not caring about being an embarrassment. Meanwhile, everyone else whoops and whistles their appreciation just as Yixing deserves. Baekhyun’s pride swells. His mind still at a loss for words and his body feeling spent from the journey he was taken on. All he can do is smile and let the tears collect secretly wishing he could kiss Yixing, and tell him how amazing he thinks he is and that he can do anything.

But as Yixing approaches again, the thoughts get clogged up in his throat and all he can do is offer a pathetic high five. Yixing just laughs it off slapping it and slipping his fingers through Baekhyun’s gabbing at his hand. Stunned again, he tries to form the words, “that…that was really, really good Yixing”. He tries to control the expressions of his face so he doesn’t burst from happiness. Yixing gives him a hug, patting him on the back and whispering, “it's all your fault”.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

After a few drinks, Yixing feels on the top of the world. Never did he ever think the music he made alone in his bedroom would ever reach the ears of anyone further than his few Internet plays. All kinds of strangers with neck tattoos, oversize trench coats and flamboyant haircuts have been coming up to him all night asking him questions and telling him how great his set was.

His mouth goes dry from chatting, finding himself squished in the corner of a booth covered in pinstripes. The cushioning is comfortable and he never feels a shred of anxiety. But that might have more to do with Baekhyun’s body that thankfully hasn’t left his side all night, now seated next to him with arms bunched in front of his lap. Surrounded are a few of his skater friends and other musicians.

The air is filled with conversation that stimulates Yixing’s interests. He had been locked into a discussion with [Hyuk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ILdMBBMu5w): a shy, quiet guy with a bald head and pointed brows who writes his own music. His body is wrapped up in layers of clothes, stuffed into gigantic trousers that drape down from his hip. His face, always stoic and only breaking the facade with controlled smiles the second Yixing mentions his favourite synthesizer was the[ microkorg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifOVWXKvLrQ).   

As the conversion ebbs and flows he captures glimpses of Baekhyun staring off into the distance, distracted by something Yixing can’t decipher. Either way, he takes advantage of it. Taking in Baekhyun’s cute nose that sniffles along like always and the whites of his eyes that glint in the light like magic. In moments of cognition, Baekhyun asks him if he wants another beer and Yixing hazily agrees with a stupidly wide smile and heavy arms that try and pull in him for a grateful hug. “You are the best, Baek”, he whispers by his ear.

Baekhyun cowers away and pushes through the crowd of bodies to get to the bar. It’s all soft music and dim lighting. The type of place to have hardwood floors and expensive cocktails. Yixing just sits back in the darkness, while the others turn away into their own conversations, punctuated by loud laughter, some breaking into song. But it all drowns into the background as Yixing zeroes in on Baekhyun from afar. Watching as he stares at his feet while waiting in line. How in his boredom his eyes dawdle around the room almost toppling back when his neck stretches too far back. Yixing watches as something captures Baekhyun’s eye then whips his neck dead straight.

Its so sudden, Yixing thinks he missed it, but Baekhyun is definitely hiding from something, shielding his face in the back of the stranger in front of him. Yixing can’t tell what it is though until a hand reaches out to tap Baekhyun on the shoulder, belonging to this really tall guy with fluffy hair and big ears. He offers Baekhyun a handshake, even with the awkward air of his shifting his weight and fake smile. They keep talking and something triggers a giant laugh that booms over the low rumbles of voices.

Yixing blinks in some vague recognition, so he gets up, desperately squeezing himself between the edges of the table, hipbone pushing against it as seated bodies adjust their legs out of the way. Something about Baekhyun’s crestfallen figure makes Yixing immediately curl his arm around his abdomen and pull him into a hug.

Even with the fuzziness of his mind, his hearing picks up of the subtlest gasp of shock amongst the faint clinking of glasses. The stranger’s baritone voice stutters and Yixing can see the way he is waiting patiently to be introduced. The warm light from the bar caresses his handsome features softly. They suddenly stiffen when Yixing decides on a whim to peck Beakhyun on the cheek. As his lips connect, he can feel the hum of electricity that dances on the surface of Baekhyun’s skin. 

“What’s taking so long my Baekkie?” he whines into his warm cheek, “I missed you”. The pretence of intimacy is funnily natural to Yixing, the thrill tingling as he lulls his head to the side with a tiny pout. Baekhyun turns inward to drill holes into Yixing’s skull. But this game is just too fun and his brain is just too senseless from the sluggish blood flow. Therefore he just gives a cheeky smile back and smacks Baekhyun’s ass, “you aren’t going to introduce me to your new friend?”

“He isn’t-- this is Park Chanyeol,” he emphasizes with embarrassed, wide eyes and tight lips, “we went to school together”.

Yixing lets go and turn to face a confused Chanyeol, who seems to be at a loss for words. With a flurry of confidence, Yixing beams and offers a hand to greet him. “I am Zhang Yixing. Baekhyun’s boyfrie—AH!” his words bitten out of him but a stinging pinch to his neck. But it’s not enough to hide the fact that Chanyeol’s heard them and is breathing in a sense of understanding., “So your gay?” he directs to Baekhyun.

The circulation in Yixing’s handstands to a halt with Baekhyun's fingers clawing into his flesh like a vice, responding with caution, “I um…yeah I am”. Yixing stares at those lips that fumble around the words. It’s sweet.

“Cool,” Chanyeol shrugs it off with a pleasant smile and unbothered shoulders.

“Oh Chanyeol!” he exclaims, his mind to slow to catch up to all logic, “I know you, Baekhyun had this huge crush on you in high scho--”. And before he knows it Baekhyun whips him on the back, “oh my god Yixing you did not just say that!” But Yixing keeps playing along, trying to seek forgiveness by fawning against him. “We are breaking up!” he tries shoving him off. It all just divulges into sloppy slaps that Yixing tries to dodge poorly; engrossed in it they start to giggle, until Chanyeol’s laugh explodes in their ears, his face the definition of elation. “You guys are so great” he chuckles landing his palm on Baekhyun’s shoulder, “Its good to see you both happy”.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

The gentle press of his foot makes the floorboards creak. So he stops. To anyone else, the room seems dead silent, like a vacuum but to Yixing the noise is deafening. The heavy breathing of Sunyoung’s blocked sinuses, the incessant dripping of the showerhead, the noise of passing traffic and the movement of wind as it passes over the surface of the rattling window. The clanking of old pipes. The hum of the fridge through the wall. Everything that reminds him that he is supposed to be home.

But he can’t help sense that same feeling. That same tear ripping him apart inside. It happens every time. Every time he has to say goodbye and walks away. His eyes wander over the room, staring down at her. Sweat clings to her forehead and her brow looks restless. He remembers doting on her every second. But his feet remain still. Not once dashing to the store to fill the pantry with ginger, honey and ginseng. It’s already there. Amber took care of it all.

He has left her to wilt, forgetting to water her roots. Their roots. He can’t bear the noise. Voices scream at him dripping with blame and scorn. His head pounds with the loop of their rhythm hammering into him. He pushes the tips of his fingers into his eye sockets, hoping to dull the pain. He can hear them squelch inside his skull. It does nothing but stops the tears from falling. Mucus gathers and drips from his nose. His lips quiver in fear. His lungs burn from the rapidity of his breath.  His vision obscures with mist, every facet of his life turning into blurs and smudges. It’s all vague and murky. Nothing here feels like theirs anymore. His stomach grows nauseous, the floorboards finally creaking as he races to throws up the acidity. Silent cries echo softly against the wet porcelain. Yixing rests his head on cold tile and thinks that all he really wants, is to never say goodbye to Baekhyun ever again.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

“Hey, you wanna come outside and chat?” Sehun says taking off his food-spattered apron. The remnants from cooking three-course meals. Baekhyuns nods and follows him out the metal back door. It clangs closed into the night, their breath escaping into visible clouds. Outside they hang about, near the loading dock. It’s quieter at this time of night. There is a loud hum coming from a generator and leaky pipes vine themselves up the outer concrete walls, leaving damp tracks that slide down and harvest patches off moss.

Sehun takes out a cigarette and lights it with one fluid motion, while Baekhyun retreats to lean back on the hard wall. Whenever they work together they usually take their 15-minute breaks, shooting the shit to avoid sitting in the staff room and their obnoxious co-workers. The ash falls quickly as Sehun takes large intakes of smoke, blowing them back out into perfectly formed rings. Baekhyun sarcastically gawks at him, “Oh, you are _so_ cool”.

Sehun’s laugh blows them out of shape, back into a swirling abstraction. He covers his smile as he coughs out, “I’m just trying to impress you,” just as sarcastically. Baekhyun just snickers letting their banter fall back to silence until Sehun stares at him knowingly.

 _“What_?” he insists.

“Nothing, just--” he takes another drawn out inhale, “that dude was eyeing you off again”. Baekhyun lets out an amused huff spilling out another puff of cloud, “I thought you were meant to be working. No wonder guests were complaining about overcooked steak”. He made mention of this guy to Sehun the moment he asked him out a couple of weeks ago. The same guy he mentioned to Yixing. The same guy who is patiently waiting for Baekhyun to one day agree to a date. Sehun continues to pry regardless of his non-answer, “I just so happened to walk out onto the floor for one second and saw him, so the dude must have had his target locked on you all night”.

He flicks ash to the ground completely unbothered by Baekhyun’s coy demeanour. “He isn’t really my type” he lies. He totally is. And Sehun knows it too by his sniggering.

“So what? You too busy?”

“Maybe”

All he can think of is Yixing and his shy smiles, inquisitive eyes and gentle hands. The way his hair moves in the breeze. The texture of his voice and how it crumbles like honeycomb.  How it raises and pops when he get impassioned. The teardrop shape of his lower lip that falls prey to the nervous grip of his teeth. The way shadows form in the dip of his dimple whenever he is caught in a haze of thought. How everything he says makes him smile on the inside. The way he sees sound and the way he was able to overcome his fear and share his gift. How he feels alive when he listens to something he makes.

Baekhyun always imagines how Yixing pinches his lip in deep thought while tapping away at a broken keyboard. He imagines Yixing humming out melodies or cussing out the screen when something crashes and he has to start all over again. How his brow furrows when he worries and thinks he has nothing to offer anyone. Even the way he blabbed to Chanyeol with his big dumb, doofus mouth and Chanyeol just ended up wishing them well and walked away taking that cowering, little teen-aged Baekhyun with him.

He has catalogued every single facet of this person that he cannot help but adore. Wanting to make him feel worth more than he could offer. But his heart aches at the reality that Yixing is still just his friend, in a committed relationship. It’s the reason he hasn’t uttered a word to anyone. Not even a fly. Sehun stamps his scruffy, flour, covered boot onto the finished bud, mushing it down into the damp asphalt. He hums with a small shake of the head in conclusion.

“So you interested in someone else then?”

The question causes immense panic to swell in his chest. It feels like he is caught at a crossroad. He starts to feel the weight of his secret pull him down into the earth with the temptation looming right in front of him. Sehun is just a work mate. They don’t hang out and they don’t know much about each other. He could say anything to him if he wanted. It would be like yelling into an empty cave. So he takes an uneven breath and admits, “Yes”.

The night air feels even colder, his nose sniffling into his sleeve.

“ _And_?” Sehun draws it out like it’s obvious there is an ‘and’.

“ _And_ he has a... girlfriend?” It’s almost comical when he actually says it out loud.

“ _Sheeeiiiiit,_ ” Sehun stares wide eyed, “that’s rough man”. He walks over to pat him on his shoulder and looks almost apologetic. “I’m also kinda relieved. I thought you were gonna say it was me you liked,” Sehun continues stone faced.

“You wish,” Baekhyun shoves him back, “I just-” _I just think that he might like me too_.

Sehun just tugs him back inside by the cuff of his starched sleeve. “Come on you homewrecker, we’ll get the sack if we stay out here any longer”.

“I’m never telling you anything ever again”.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

YZ: Hey

BB: Hey!

YZ: what you up to?

BB: nothing much was gonna go eat out cause I can’t be fuckedto cook.

But I wanna binge skating vids too. Life is tough.

you?

 

YZ: nothing. Sunyoung is doing family stuff. Babysitting again

Can I come over? I can make braised Pork

 

BB: you had me at braised

Oh shit! You know what this means?!???

 

ZY: ...

 

BB: Philosopher’s Stone is already lined up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

 

ZY: _greeeeeaaaaat_

 

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Their place is empty again. But it’s not a big deal. Sunyoung just slams the door shut in a hurry, racing to the bathroom with pinched thighs, her bladder screaming at her. She always hums softly on the toilet. A habit from when her mum potty trained her, always singing out a tune light and airy like a flute. She checks her phone and Yixing is with Baekhyun as always. But the thought doesn’t park itself in her mind like it used to. It veers off into the distance. She just stares up at the naked bulb until black dots stain her vision and finds an unexpected calm in the isolation.

She drinks from a milk carton, drips falling to the floor. She’ll clean it up in her own time. She watches the newest episode of her new favourite TV show, texting Amber quotes that make her die with laughter, while she tries to finish knitted scarves for her baby cousins. She is halfway done, admiring the rose coloured yarn spun with lines of burnt orange and deep purple pom-poms, the midday sun peeking through tiny gaps in the stitching.

There is a chill when the sun sinks behind the clouds. She goes to fetch a cardigan and spots the metallic glint of Yixing’s old cassette player resting on his desk, sandwiched between piles of tangled electrical chords, guitar pedals and second hand books documenting the history of sound. Her fingers softly dance over all his dusty hardware, pressing buttons that don’t do anything now that they’re disconnected.

But under the control of Yixing’s hands they came alive. Undeniably. She was so overwhelmed with pride as he played. His keen gaze and precise touches to keys and the adjustment of knobs was perfectly in sync with sound. The car ride back with Amber was filled with bittersweet contemplation. She mourns that bond she once had with her instrument.    

With curious hands she takes the portable player in her grip and presses play, the analogue click heavy under the pressure of her thumb. The hiss of the tape grows like cicadas on a hot day as she dials up the volume. The recording of Yixing’s voice loses a bit of its natural bass through the tinny inbuilt speaker. What plays is an oral retelling of his creative process, mental notes, dictations of little musical phrases that flow within him and are scribbled onto the magnetic tape. She giggles when he gets stuck on a word and his voice cracks when he hits that eureka moment. She clicks down again, the lid slowly opening seeing the cassette tape inside labelled ‘ideas’ written in red marker.    

She bends down under his desk knowing there is a shoebox of unused cassettes. Her hands riffle through the rattling of plastic until she finds one without a label. That melody from before hasn’t left her mind, flying around her unwilling to go away. With another firm click, her glittered nail polish reflects dots of red light.

Her throat loosens, the melody like the gentlest breeze channels through her chest, filling her lungs with air, activating the muscles of her neck and vibrating against the path of her vocal chords. The recorder picks up on every click of her tongue and every subtle breath she takes in. The notes resonate through the room and fly out the open window, finally reaching the sun’s light and no longer hidden in the shadows of her insecurities.

It’s the strangest thing. Her voice begins to shake as she starts to cry. But it’s so full of laughter. It is freeing. Empowering. The force knocking down the memory of that boy with the sweet smile but harsh voice who said it was useless. A waste. That she wouldn’t amount to anything. She can’t even remember what he looked like but those words were branded to her ever since she finally walked away from him. 

Sunyoung lies down on the bed. The sheets are cold to the touch but refreshing against the skin. She stares out the window, the last of the sun winking at her and feeling its warmth grace her grinning cheeks. In the heavy silence she makes a promise to herself, so quiet that it only reaches the depths of her own heart. Just for her.

 

        

 

~             

 

 

 

Baekhyun looks wrecked. His eyes are unfocused and drooped with his head nestled in its usual nook at the back of the bus. The ride back has been relatively quiet and Yixing starts to resent that fact they don’t have much time left, that tearing in his chest beginning its fine incisions. He sits with his backpack resting heavily on his lap, fingertips skimming the coarse fabric and flicking his nail against the metal zip.  

He looks over again at Baekhyun, watches how his slack neck bobs with the force of the drive, his lids dropping and fine lashes that create the softest shadows under his eyes. Yixing just wants to see them shine, radiant with joy. He wants to be the reason for his happiness.

“Umm, by the way I made something new,” he says as he roughly unzips and rummages through his backpack, fishing out his beaten up MP3 player. “I’ve been working on it since the gig and I wanted you to hear it before I did anything with it. You are the first,” he says handing over both earbuds.    

Baekhyun stills at the words, opening his eyes as he relishes in Yixing’s timid dimple and that innocent look of anticipation. His chest contorts, controlling his expression so it doesn’t burst into an embarrassingly foolish smile and love-struck eyes. With fumbling fingers, he makes sure each bud sits comfortably in his ear, eyes closed, ready hear Yixing’s newest creation.

 … _You are the first_ …    

There is an instant burst of noise that transports him to a busy freeway, illustrated by the frantic snaps of what sounds like tongues clicking against the roof of a mouth. It gradually builds and builds. Layers and layers amounting to static. It’s thick and dense but still bounding forward like he is trudging through a blizzard with no path ahead from him. Each snap returns abruptly like flashes of lightning cutting across blankets of an indigo sky. 

Random stabs begin to fall slowing into a syncopated rhythm accompanied by glittering chimes as if the blizzard clears letting rays of sun through dappled clouds. It comes to a grand crescendo with booming ambient organs that sound dissonant but shine along with delayed guitars that reverberate into eternity. Sparkling, light synths blare out bringing slight hairs on his arms to stand and his features to screw with this intense feeling.    

Yixing waits patiently taking the time to decipher Baekhyun’s sealed eyes. They’re tight and flinch, creating fine creases in his skin. There is nothing he wants more than for Baekhyun to love what he hears. To praise him with unending compliments. To actually understand that every sound is full of the words he can’t articulate. The anticipation causes him to almost pull the silver ring from his lobe. The track stops with Baekhyun finally pulling out the earbuds.

Baekhyun looks unusually solemn, still holding on to the player in his hands. His grasp looks tight with whitened knuckles. His eyes stay averted as he mumbles out his thoughts.    

“It sounds different from everything else you’ve done”.

Shit, he hates it.

Yixing puts on a brave face not really wanting him to know how much his words affect him. So he puts on an unaffected tone and ends it with a light manufactured laugh.

“That’s very vague of you…”

Baekhyun finally moves his head up; eyes that capture the amber lights as they grin back. His soft gaze strikes at Yixing’s heart as if transmitting an invisible conversation. 

The bus comes to a stop and Baekhyun gets off first with a curious Yixing clambering behind. As the bus rolls away it leaves a haze of petrol smoke in its path. The rumbling engine soon drifts away leaving them standing still at the intersection. The one that marks opposite paths home. Yixing to the left and Baekhyun, veering right. There is a single lamppost lighting them from above and it showers Baekhyun’s face with glowing luminescence.

Yixing almost forgets to ask, but his impatience returns when a car violently races past. Hands in pockets he tries to nudge him with an elbow. Baekhyun fiddles with the tangled earphone chord and carefully winds it around his fingers handing them back to their owner. When he speaks again his words are sombre and earnest, “You are obscenely talented Yixing… It’s like you take these obscure sounds and give them meaning like a story… You make me see what you hear. It’s amazing.”    

Yixing finds his breath become shallow as he peers over Baekhyun’s shy features hiding behind his fluffy curls that grace the ends of his lashes. Yixing is so effortlessly flattered and filled with a burst of heat like a hot air balloon hovering by the clouds. In the same moment a strong wind blows through the quiet street. It howls like a command that pushes Yixing’s weight forward.   

It could be the clouds that fill his head, but Yixing becomes transfixed with the desire to kiss him. A mark of gratitude, he reasons. He falls closer and the sound of Baekhyun’s breath becomes louder, phasing out the wind that cools the tip of Baekhyun’s nose.

Yixing’s barely is able to graze those chapped lips as he leans into the breeze but feels an abrupt hand stop him firm again his chest, like a door shutting with a loud bang. His eyes focus back to see Baekhyun’s perplexed appearance. Yixing lets himself be pushed back realizing the utter stupidity of what was going to happen. What the fuck is he doing? The heat in his body now burns with embarrassment. Baekhyun implores with swimming eyes for an explanation, his teeth gnawing at his lower lip.

With deep regret borrowing into his core, Yixing watches Baekhyun’s retreating figure disappear into the night swallowing up his light.     

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

Their place is empty again. It’s a secret relief. They’ve pretty much stopped doing it anyway. Either they’re too tired or it’s secretly never fulfilling enough. Yixing just wants to forget. Forget everything bad. He slams the door shut, dumps the groceries on the counter and bounds for the shower. He peels his clothes off delicately, enjoying the way the fabric slips over his skin. He loves the sound of the water as it drums like a storm against his skull, deafening so he can’t hear the small echoes of doubt and guilt that are slowly dying away with every touch. His dick is already so hard. He strokes himself softly, letting the warmth of the water trickles against the head. 

He lathers his hand, gasping aloud at the silky pressure, gliding up and down, twisting the angle of his wrist, his balls drawing up when he plays with the slit with the corner of his thumb. The back of his neck reddens under the heat, steam filling the room till he’s breathing in nothing but a dense cloud of vapour.  

It feels too good when his legs quiver, his wet flesh rubbing against tile as he slides down to the floor with a bent knee. His left hand timidly drops further down, balls sensitive under his touch. He cups them gently, middle finger tracing up and down between each, playing with the elasticity.    

His ass cheeks start to go numb, but Yixing is paralyzed, fragments of a face pass through his mind like strobe lights. He just wants to forget. But he can’t. Fragments of a shiny red nose that sniffles in the cold, hair dancing as it propels through the air and eyes that never leave his. But his mind is way to high to place the name.

His fingers want to explore more, to feel more of himself. In his revelry, he grows more confident. His chest fills with the growing anticipation when he lets his middle finger lower even more with the movement of his backsliding further down the wall, chin pressed to his chest and his ability to breathe forgotten. He throbs, softly jerking off with closed eyes. He can feel it twitch in his grip as his finger leaves a trail of suds all the way to his tight hole. The contractions pulse around the very tip of his finger. He tries to lift his head back and whine out deep and breathy but he can’t. His body is pressed into itself in the small confines of the glass walls of the shower. Water collects against its surface, droplets twinkling with the little blue light that peeks through a tiny window.  

He slowly pushes in further, the grip around his own dick growing stronger till its stopped completely, afraid he might ejaculate before he gets to feel the entire length fill himself up all the way. He’d forgotten how different it feels, to stretch himself out by his own hand. The angle of it makes his wrist ache but he wants to go further, to make himself tremor with that intense arousal. He forgets the mechanical rhythm of his fist, holding the flesh of his ass apart, wiggling his finger around desperately.    

His knees gravitate towards his chest as he tries to push in deeper. Yixing’s torso makes slight jerks of sudden bolts of pleasure. Muscles tighten by his abdomen, the skin folding and stretching as the intense feeling takes over and his body wants to involuntarily collapse. He rakes his teeth over his lip, craving any kind of contact. His fingers feel out for the thick precum that changes the texture of the friction. It's smoother and hotter as he pulls on himself, harder and faster.    

His tongue feels dry in his mouth despite the stream of water spilling over him, skin waterlogged and his back hurts from the ways it’s forced against the wall. But every part of him is on fire as he tries to chase the climax but conversely hopes he can just stay and live in it for as long as possible.    

In the clouds of fog that have seeped into his pores and invaded the landscape of his mind, he can hear in the distance that name. It rumbles towards him like a stampede. From his open mouth, the name slips through, barely a whisper; caught on a gasp this tremendous feeling takes over and cum surges, bright and hot.

“ _Baek—hyun_ ”    

As the shimmering pleasure clears from his mind, settling like dust in the wind, Yixing stares down between his bent legs as he softens, frozen against the hard tile, the angle now creating a dull ache in his neck that is starting to spread to his temples. He can’t bear to consider what it all means just yet. He just wanted to forget.

Without awareness his eyes redden with salt and his jaw clenches. Without awareness, he lifts his hands with slack wrists, the cooling water erasing all remnants, observing the swirl of his cum circling around the drain as it ultimately escapes. There he stays, body shivering until a ringing phone from the next room pulls him out of his bewilderment. And even though this gross regret lingers in his loins, Yixing still hopes it’s him.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

He can’t sleep. The fear only grows and grows into this giant monster that roars from under his bed at night. The darkness of his eyes shows as he tries to rub away the fatigue, staring mindlessly at his computer screen. Its dull blue light glaring at him and all he wants is to collapse onto the keyboard, uncaring if it hurts. 

Even his headset sits unused by the edge of the table because he refuses to put it on since he sat down and his boss gave him yet another shallow warning to not be late again, knowing she’ll never fire him but wishing she would. He is such a coward that he can’t even do that himself. Open his stupid mouth and tell her this place is eating him alive. The concept of earning money no longer sounds worth it. But he just continues to sit there, because realistically he still needs it to live even when he is falling apart.

Knowing the only thing that can make him feel whole is seeing Baekhyun again. Knowing that things are still okay. That he hasn’t completely blown their friendship to smithereens, with the _almost_ kiss that replays in his mind constantly. He has no idea what Baekhyun thinks of him now and the silence only creates a fabricated list of hypothetical possibilities that all end with Yixing being outcast as the selfish, friend who is only playing with Baekhyun’s feelings, the other side of his shoulder arguing that it isn't true.

The clock on the wall tells him that he has hours left. So in a moment of insanity or clarity, he doesn’t know, Yixing decides he can use his time more effectively. With his phone in his sweaty hands, Yixing spends the next half hour crafting the perfect message. He reads over it, exchanging words for better ones, searching their definition just to ensure that they hold the right meaning. That he is sorry and that what happened shouldn’t of. How it was completely unfair especially since he is still in a relationship. It was a slip in his judgment and that he would never want to jeopardize what they have. He values Baekhyun too much to lose him.    

Before he gets the chance to hit send, time grinds to halt the moment his phone vibrates, hands fumbling to open it.    

 

 _1 new message_     

BB: Hey, wanted say that I'm fine now. No worries about what happened. I’ll catch up with you soon    

ZY: yeah no worries

See you on the bus tonight?    

 

BB: Actually not tonight. I’m not working. I’ve got a date      

 

     ZY: ah okay. The party guy?  

  

BB: yep   

 

ZY: All right. I’ll see you around then

Good luck :)    

_I’ve got a date._     

Those words circle around his head like a boulder thrashing against his skull, the pain morphing into a stinging migraine. Baekhyun has a date and all he could say was ‘good luck’ when all he really wanted to do was ask 'why not me?'

Something ugly like jealousy coils itself through his nerves like a weed spreading and killing all the hope he has inside. This guy knows next to nothing about Baekhyun. Doesn’t appreciate his quick wit, never failing to make him smile till his cheeks hurt. The way he takes a delicate finger to scratch the dip of his philtrum to hide cheeky laughter. His soft eyes and how the apples of his cheeks shine in the light. How his ears poke out like a monkey's when he wears his woollen beanie in the cold air. The way his tangled hair dances in the wind as he flies through the air, gracefully grabbing the board beneath his feet. The way Baekhyun understands the intricacies of his creativity and never questions it, always building him up making him feel invincible.

How Yixing wants to do the same back. _He_ has no clue. Only Yixing can see how beautifully bright Baekhyun is and makes his life feel like it can be more than it is. The frustration takes over and he can’t contain it any more when he pushes himself from his desk and storms out, his boss calling him from behind. Work can go fuck itself. Nothing really matters. Not when Baekhyun is gone.    

Sunyoung is awake. He comes back home hours before he is meant to finish. She looks confused and asks, “I thought you couldn’t take any more time off?” as she pushes herself up on the bed.    

“I felt sick”  

 “Are you okay?”    

“Yeah… I just need a shower”    

“Okay well, um I need to sleep so… goodnight Yixing”    

Hearing the words stops him in his tracks and turns back to look at her. She is sleeping already. When was the last time they were able to say that before bed before they entangled themselves together, wrapped in warm sheets and coversations woven into dreams.  

Guilt is a mighty weight that pushes down on him. This is what he could give to her every night but can't. And like a frightened animal that scampers away at the sound on footfalls, a thought flashed in his mind. The thought that he doesn’t really want to do it at all. That he can’t be that person for her. Before his tears collect he rushes out a goodnight, swift like a sword that cuts the silence before he darts to the bathroom to scrub away the awful feeling, buried deep in his pores.

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

It hard to concentrate on his words, but Baekhyun figures he has an excuse as he downs the last of his wine. He waves the waiter down for a refill, since his date said he was paying, which Baekhyun didn’t argue with. He also can’t argue with the amazing meal they shared and the charming smile that tries to hold his attention and those slight touches to the back of his hand. But it all seems dulled, blurred into the background of the chorus of other couples chatting, the distant call of meal tickets and the clinking of stainless steel cutlery on asymmetrical ceramic plates, each distinct, painted with speckled glaze. They would look good on his dining table. Mental note to ask the staff where he can by them--  
      
“Baekhyun?”  
      
“Huh?”  
      
“Thought I lost you there,” he chuckles and Baekhyun should find it endearing. Should be flirting back but he has just enough energy to smile.  
  
Honestly Baekhyun can’t even remember his name or why he agreed to another date. Baekhyun even let him kiss him. It was soft and warm and perfectly fine. But he can’t erase the memory of Yixing and his parted lips that hung right in front of his own, waiting to be taken.  
      
Every night since he’s imagined what would have happened if he allowed himself that heat. What it would of felt like as Yixing cupped his cheeks, cradled his neck as his tongue rolled over his. It’s all he can think of when his date falls back from their goodbye kiss, with a warm smile promising to call him tomorrow. “I’ll be waiting”, Baekhyun lies as he turns on his heel, his expression loosing its carefree smile and morphing into something soured.  
      
He can still taste the wine in his mouth, even after he scrubs his teeth. The light in his bathroom is dull as it flickers. He needs to change it. It makes his reflection look gaunt and sickly. He still feels the pressure of that man’s lips, as he tries to furiously rub it all away, his skin feeling raw from the stretch. Because he knows it is all pretending.  
      
As his head hits his pillow and his gaze rests on the empty space next to him, his chest starts to hollow out. He cries silently to himself in bed, knowing that he is just trying to appear respectful, using the affection of someone he has no interest in to keep him from being pulled by his intense desire to call Yixing and spill every thought that fills up his arousal, as he touches himself and stains his sheets.  
      
As the heat cools in his limbs, the sticky mess that coats his fingers reminds him that he can’t say a word. Not even to Amber. She would never speak to him again after betraying her friendship and the kindness Sunyoung has always shown him. So he keeps his mouth tight-lipped, muting them with those unwanted kisses and pleasant smiles from a man that could be anyone. Anyone but him. Because he is trying to be selfless, even when everything in him is desperate to cling to Yixing and never let go.

      
      
 

     
      
~  
      
   
  
    

   
Yixing lets his feet guide him to work as if on autopilot. He sits down at his desk, not really knowing why. It’s empty as always. Sometimes when he sits and watches time pass, it feels like he doesn’t even exist at all. He can make out the muffled voice of his boss. She sounds exasperated, but he no longer cares to make out the words. He knows they’ll be scathing and full of offence at his total disregard for authority and workplace protocol. The heavy tick tock drums deep against this temple and he feels nausea creeping up his oesophagus, knowing he has to be here for hours.  
      
Or does he?  
      
What is keeping him here anymore? Rent for a place that no longer feels like he belongs, not when it isn’t filled with Baekhyun and his voice and his smell and his everything. Food? He has barely eaten knowing Baekhyun won’t acknowledge him. Won’t talk to him about how close he got to touch his lips. Sunyoung? When he feels like his love for her has become a quiet whisper, fading out like the end of a beautiful song. She deserves better than him anyway. Not someone that would throw everything away selfishly.  
      
Why even deny it anymore…

  
“ _YIXING_?” his boss exclaims with fraught eyes, “answer me when I talk to you!”  
      
“I quit”.

      
      
 

     
      
~  
      
      
      
     
    

   
“You quit?!”  
      
Sunyoung rises from bed along with her voice. It’s questioning and strained from lack of sleep. He never gets to hear it melodic and resonant. It sometimes hurts to know she hides it from him. The apartment is dark when Yixing entered, jumping from his skin when Sunyoung let out a scared shriek, thinking his ambiguous silhouette was an intruder, and maybe he is. The moonlight is so soft, lighting her features in deep blue hues. She looks tired; brows pulled in and hair spun into a fuzzy nest.  
      
"What the fuck Yixing? Isn’t that something we should have talked about first? Together?”  
      
Yixing hides his face against his clammy palms, wishing he could just rip the skin off in chunks. Everything starts to stew in him: the tension; the acid; the guilt, the shame. It’s all there building up threatening to boil over at any minute. His throat constricts on the words trying distressingly to avoid making them known. He is holding on so hard only to hinder the anguish he’ll put her through. But the load is so heavy inside, like a dam ready to burst, the burden of it crushing him under the weight.  
      
“This is totally irresponsible. What are you gonna do? Huh? I can’t be the only one paying for things. We’ll have to move further out of the city. Your decisions affect me too you know—“  
      
“I can’t do it anymore,” his voice jitters against shivering teeth, standing there still, at the foot of their bed they never share, with the look of defeat. Sunyoung bows her head, hiding the fear he knows is swelling within her dark eyes.  
      
“What can’t you do Yixing?” she whispers, the curtness of it stabs in his the chest. “I thought we were meant to be a team…” her fingers becoming busy with the hem of the crushed cotton sheet as it passes through her trembling hands.  
      
Yixing’s resolve starts to crumble, like stone warn away from the ocean’s violent waves. His features contort and his lip trembles. The shivers turn to tremors, sniffling away a sob before it breaks through the tiny cracks in his wall. “You think that’s still true?” he asks with a tone reminiscent of a dying bird. The muscles in his lower backache but he doesn’t move an inch, anticipating the silence to shatter with Sunyoung’s cries. But there is nothing, only the subtle purr of the motionless air that suspends outside the open window. The cold air bites and Yixing wants to shut it, till glass shatters. “You know I don’t really like sleeping with it open. I know you prefer it ‘cause you always said you didn’t like to overheat under the covers.” He turns wistfully towards the light preferring the glow of the moon to the sadness in Sunyoung. “But I need to shut it because I fall asleep when the sun comes up. I close it and the curtains... 'cause you are never there, so I know it won’t bother you”  
      
“So it’s all my fault?” she whimpers, the first sounds of her visage snapping.  
      
“No. It’s no one's fault” he sighs out screwing his eyes shut to stop the burning tears welling at the corner of his eyes. “I just… we, we--”  
  
“We...?” she echoes, and with every repetition, the word loses its meaning as the sound travels out the window flatlining into another frightening silence.  
      
Yixing folds his lips and wants to breath in but finds it too painful. But he needs to say the words before he chickens out. He needs to let them linger in the air and no longer rot within his gut. He owes her that much.  
      
“I don’t know when it happened, but we stopped living with each other. For each other. Now I think we just, live around each other, never crossing paths except to what? Share a meal? Say hello and goodbye? I used to miss you at work, you know? Even if you went to the toilet I missed you. I used to think, what could I do the next time I see my Sunnie and make her smile,” he can hear her sob from behind her hands. So he takes a tentative step forward, the creak of the floorboard makes her jerk up revealing those sharp irises surrounded by tributaries of red veins, but never losing their shimmer. He sits by her on the edge of the bed and rests his heavy head in his cradled hands. “I don’t know what it means to be with you anymore.”  
      
“I couldn’t imagine my life without you Yixing,” there is nothing left in her tone except the texture of her breath fighting against the strain of her silent cries. “I used to think that this was just temporary and we could get over anything. But I feel it too. I can’t sit here and deny it and pretend everything is perfect, that I could be travelling somewhere, on adventures…” she lets the tension in her torso loosen, her back hitting the pillows as she stares out onto blank walls adorned by the shadow of trees.  
      
“I felt us untangle, so slowly that it was barely noticeable. You never hold me anymore. Maybe that’s when I noticed. I don’t know but it was kind of like it popped in my head, like all of a sudden I got a flash of where I left a lost key when I had already changed the locks. The only bits of you I get are your clothes on the floor or unwashed cups on your desk. I used to leave them there because it would all remind me of you” she laughs over a sniffle, “but one day I had to clean it all away when I had my cousins over to play. It wasn’t as painful as I thought. It was like I felt… lighter. I started to do it often. I guess I didn’t realize at the time but…”  
      
Yixing starts to cry warm tears, his chest rumbles when he feels her hand glides over his shoulders and her bitten lips whisper against his ears, broken but trying to be strong.  
      
“…Sometimes I don’t miss you either”.

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

SY: Hey you awake?

  
AL: What’s up? What happened?

  
SY: Can I come over tomorrow?

  
AL: Sunnie you are scarring me. You are never awake at this time and never so vague. What’s wrong?

  
SY: It’s okay Amber  
I’m okay  
I just need time away from home

  
AL: Did something happen with you and Yixing?

  
SY: There is no me and Yixing…

 

  
AL: Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry  
I’ll make sure to stock up on caramel popcorn and cookie dough.

  
SY: You are the best!  
But honestly, I’m okay

  
AL: I’m giving you virtual hugs!!!!!!!!  
Where is he?

  
SY: He didn’t say but I think Baekhyun’s  
I told him he could stay but he insisted

  
AL: Ah yeah that makes sense…

  
SY: I’m kinda glad though? Before Baek, he didn’t really have friends

  
AL: What are you talking about? He broke your heart and stole my best friend

  
SY: I know you are joking but it was amicable  
And I thought I was your best friend!!

  
AL: We have been over this. Family does not count

  
SY: Does too!

  
AL: I’m letting it pass because you are sad

  
SY: yeahh… that’s the thing though. Shouldn’t I be inconsolable?  
The moment he left and I saw the bed empty again and the room was quiet it just felt weirdly normal?  
I feel worse that I don't feel like breaking down.

 

  
AL: Remember when I came first back and we hung out. Do you remember what you told me?

  
SY: Kind of?

 

  
AL: You said you felt stuck. That you loved him but your life felt like it wasn't going anywhere.  
Now, this is just my option but I think you already made the decision back then. I think you don’t feel loss because you’ve been mourning your relationship for a while…

 

  
SY: How are you so smart

  
AL: I’m just good at people.

  
SY: True  
Thanks, Amber

  
AL: Anything for my BFF

  
SY: I want you to know I’m crying now

  
AL: don’t! Cause I will too  
Everything will be okay

  
SY: I hope

 

  
  
  
      
~

 

  
      
His feet burn, shoulders feeling the weight of his backpack, filled with a week's worth of clothing, his laptop and toothbrush. Light, rains down from steel lamp posts, guiding him to an apparent building, oblong in shape and barring no architectural character besides a layer of white paint peeling off the side, creating topographic illusions of imagined places. Under the night sky, he can barely be made out, shaded by a large tree, rustling its leaves softly. The sound a comfort to Yixing who stops to stand by it's overgrown roots. He can see the light of Baekhyun’s window glow a warm yellow, his stomach aching with anticipation, not knowing if he’ll be welcome. They still haven't spoken and Yixing simply wants to break the habit.  
      
Each concrete step falls in line with the beating of his heart. His temples are moist to the touch as he stills with a hovering fist, unwilling to knock just yet. He can feel the burn in his throat, his heaving chest and his mouth parched. The bones of his fingers tap Baekhyun’s green door exactly three times, shifting the straps of his bag over hunched shoulders.  
      
His head hangs low when Baekhyun answers the door on a narrow angle, head poking out like he really just wants to hide.  
  
“Yixing? What are you doing here?” His voice, a strained whisper.  
  
Yixing hears a clink of glass from inside. His eyes turn panicked, swelling with discomfort and finding it hard to breathe. Baekhyun looks equally worried. “Hey, what the fuck?” He rushes out, “what’s wrong?” Yixing feels awkward and he hates it. It’s hard for him to form the words so they come out slightly broken, “Sorry, I um…Sunny and I…I just, I need a place to stay and you are the only person—”.  
      
“Baekhyun?” A stranger’s voice queries from behind. It’s deep and concerned. Yixing internally cringes, that voice only confirming his unwanted thoughts, why Baekhyun is shielding the entrance.  
  
“Fuck, sorry I didn’t realise, I can go--”  
  
“No, no it’s fine” Baekhyun loosens the grip he has on the dulled, brass handle.  
  
“Of course you can stay, Yixing”.  
  
There is this hidden smile that twitches at the corner of Baekhyun’s lips. It’s so microscopic and Yixing knows he is the only person who could see it. The weight on his shoulders doesn’t feel so unbearable anymore.  
      
He sits on the sofa, limbs familiar to the feeling of being swallowed up and cradled by its welcoming arms. He leans back into it as he waits for Baekhyun to ask his date to leave. From behind the bedroom door, low murmurs emerge but it’s all a bit unclear. His eyes wander down, noticing a makeshift table, adorned by a tall bottle and two glasses, stained with red wine. Fragments of their date. His knee involuntarily doesn’t stop shaking from the impatience, from the knowledge that someone else is here. His nails bury themselves in his leg, trying to rip apart the rough weave of his jeans.  
      
Baekhyun emerges, shyness in his face, followed by a pleasant looking man with a pleasant looking smile, pulling his coat off a lone chair. His smile is kind and Yixing’s heart cracks. He stills, confused with what to do, but bows hello, out of habit. Baekhyun quickly leads him out and from the hall; Yixing hears the squeak of a kiss and a promise to call sometime tomorrow. Another crack resounds in his thoughts, pulling at his earlobe to distract himself. Baekhyun’s bashful smile disappears when he returns and Yixing doesn’t know what else to say, except sorry. He offers to help clean up, but Baekhyun is firm and tells him to stay seated.  
      
He amuses himself, watching Baekhyun carefully add to a towering pile of unwashed plates, flinching suddenly as they inch out of place with a clang, wobbling slightly till they find balance again.  
  
“So… why can’t you suddenly sleep in your own bed?” Baekhyun asks carefully, opting for a cushion on the floor. Yixing looks down at his eyes, full of interest and tinged with lethargy. His hair seems a little shorter; their curls settled into waves that grace the softness of his skin.  
      
“Sunnie and I decided it was for the best, to spend some time apart…”  
      
“What?” Eyes popping genuinely shocked.  
          
“…I didn’t tell her. I resigned from my job,” He sighs rubbing hands all over his face, squishing the flesh, nails ready to scratch out his eyes.  
      
“Do you need anything?”  
  
“A drink?”  
  
From behind his fingers, he watches Baekhyun return, bottle in hand. “Honestly, I was not ready to give this up,” Baekhyun chuffs, the weight of his butt flopping down next to Yixing, bouncing with his the nerves in his chest. “That… guy that was here bought it. Let’s just say it wasn’t cheap,” and in pure Baekhyun fashion, he pops the cork and gulps it down straight from the neck, a single drip catching on his grey sweater, the red soaking through his collar. He takes the bottle next, the tartness twisting his taste buds.  
      
“I’m sorry, again for ruining your date,” Yixing takes another swig, the burn so wonderful as it travels down his neck and rests in his lungs.  
  
“Nah, it’s cool. He was getting annoying anyway. Started putting away my clothes. I mean how can someone be with me if they can’t accept that on a base level I’m a mess”, Baekhyun is timid and it’s weird, but he tries to smile and joke, a flicker of what they were like.  
  
“Well, your welcome then,” Yixing returns the kindness but his cheeks finding it hard to rise, almost forgetting how. His thumbnail scratches at the swirl of text on the label, peeling off the year 2009. Yixing wants to say more, but he stupidly waits for something to happen, for Baekhyun to let him know whatever will happen, that it will be okay. Fabric shuffles beside him, a shoulder bone pushes into his arm. He sees from the corner his eye, the way Baekhyun eases into the cushions, turning to him with questions hanging from the tips of his eyelashes.  
  
“Hey?” he asks, tapping a finger against Yixing’s knee, fiddling with a tear. It goes away and Yixing wishes it would stay a little longer, playing with the loose threads. His eyes stay there instead.  
  
“Hey…” he parrots, tongue softened by reds stains and a taste of bitter cherries.  
  
“Yixing…?” Baekhyun mumbles. It sounds like a song playing from another room, “why didn’t you tell Sunyoung you quit?”  
      
“I…”, Tears return but Yixing pulls back the reigns. “I didn’t think to,” the heel of his palms pushes into his eye sockets trying to stop it all from spewing out like a tidal wave but it’s so hard when the can’t even get enough oxygen to his brain. “I forgot I was even meant to. You know? She deserves the world and I couldn’t even tell her how every time I set foot in that stupid office, I’m just there to keep up this life where I just… float through that apartment like a ghost. We just pass through… and maybe if I remember that she’s there, I’ll kiss her on the cheek goodbye...”  
      
His lungs sting, voice small like the squeak of a rusty hinge. Yixing feels Baekhyun’s touch calming the shiver of his hands. “Hey, there is nothing wrong with you okay? None of that makes you a bad person,” his thumb rubs the skin of Yixing’s taught knuckles, slowly gaining colour, like magic. That kiss suddenly plays in the back of his mind.  
  
_That surely makes him a horrible person…_  
  
“Sometimes it just happens like that. You grow apart. Want different things…right?” and Yixing wants to believe that he hears him ask for permission, wiping away Yixing’s tears with the floppy cuff of his sweater.  
  
He stares back and from the back of his throat manages to reply. “Right,” teeth punctuating it with all the meaning he can give it, without saying it out loud, hoping Baekhyun will hear it right. The slightest twinkle of a smile glistens in Baekhyun’s eye and Yixing’s heart trembles.  
      
“Did you—?” Baekhyun stops himself, eyes moving into the shadows.  
  
“No…I just told her about the job and then it kinda fell apart from there. All on its own. She’s staying with Amber for a couple of days and I didn’t really have anyone else to talk to..”  
  
Baekhyun grips down on his cold hands, “You can always come to me..” he promises with those gentle lips that refuse to hide from Yixing’s thoughts, “…you are like my favourite person in the world and I’ll always have time for you,” nudging Yixing with a knee. His cheekiness is a bad disguise, all Yixing receives is sincerity and the warm hand of a friend to hold.  
      
“I’m sorry if I was being--”  
  
Yixing stops him, “it’s okay. I understand,” gifting him a teary smile, eyes stinging from the immense joy, his heart pumping it all through his whole body, nerves overwhelmed and trembling. He captures a tear before it falls down the darkness, that paints exhaustion onto his gaunt features, muscles drooping and his lids in a flutter, tug him back to the electric amber lights glowing in the corners of the room.  
      
“You wanna go sleep?” Baekhyun asks as if the question means something else. Like Yixing is hearing a secret code, confirming that all their little clues implanted in micro twitches of a brow or the strain in a voice have all been received and understood.  
  
He turns his neck, eyes slipping to the bedroom door hanging open like a gaping mouth, breathing out his name as it dissolves into the rustling of clothes when Baekhyun stands up with unsure hands digging into his back pockets.  
      
Yixing bobs his head, the carpet a safe place to look. His weight moves with the pull of Baekhyun’s grip and with clasped hands, they walk together to the unmade sheets, flicking all lights out in their path.       
    

 

 

  
~

 

 

  
      
In the early hours of the morning, Yixing wakes up to Baekhyun giggling in the dark. His phone casts a bright glow against his skin. He selfishly admires Baekhyun’s smile in the small seconds that it takes to slowly blink his eyes open. Curiously, he peers over to see what’s so funny, pillow impressions left on his right cheek. With one look he scoffs.  
      
“You're too old to find memes funny” he jokes but in the sweetest way.  
      
“Correction, you are too old to find memes funny. I have the humour of an 11-year-old who just discovered edgy Reddit forums”.  
      
Baekhyun flicks his phone off and slides back under the covers tucking them right under his chin. “Sorry for waking you, by the way” he whispers and Yixing just stares back, glad he did.  
  
“Hey, we should just stay up as long as we can and like talk shit, like a slumber party. When I was a tiny kid, my friends and I would keep my parents up all night laughing our asses off. I’m sure I would still find it funny. This one time I peed my pants. Literally. But I kept it secret ‘cause I didn’t them all to make fun of me. It had already happened before so when I went to the toilet, I stole one of my Mum’s sanitary pads just in case.” He screws his face on embarrassment and Yixing beams holding back a tired giggle, “God, I was such a loser”.  
      
Baekhyun, always able to effortlessly flick a switch and make him feel like nothing in the world can ever go wrong. Awkward glances and stilted limbs all of a sudden fade, now snuggled together, a breath apart and treated like the friend he always was.  
      
A transparent projection of past memories layer over his present. They almost match, both filled with late night chats and close bodies. Except, those old bed sheets were covered in colourful illustrations of lizards and bugs. He remembers picking them out himself, enamoured by the scientific detail of wings and scales.  
  
The wind rattles against the window, the sound ricocheting through the quiet, “This reminds me of something too,” his lips curl around the words slowly, knowing this is the first time he has told this to anyone. Baekhyun is interested, he is always interested and it makes it so easy to let the words go.  
      
“When I was 14, there was this one kid in my street. We didn’t go to school together, but we hung out a bunch at this skate park near our house. Thought we were cool as shit. This one time he stole a cigarette from his older brother and we smoked it together coughing our lungs out. You would have been very proud,” he softens at the thought. “We were close but we didn’t talk much. We mostly listened to [Eminem](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNPnbI1arSE) and shit ‘cause he was edgy and our parents would’ve freaked if they found our CD’s stashed under our beds…Anyway, I remember he asked if I wanted to sleep over during the school break. He had a TV in his room and I didn’t. We just pigged out on junk food and played games till our wrists hurt. We slept in the same bed and talked for hours, about how much we hated school and how it would be so much better if we went to the same one. It was like… I couldn’t believe I made a friend that cool you know. Someone so similar. Someone I felt really comfortable with—”  
      
He pauses; the buried memories burn brighter in his vision. Of that kind boy and his lingering eyes, overwhelming in their crystal clarity. Yixing tries to hide, sadness creeping into the crevasses of fine lines and a twisted brow. His fingers twist the corner of his pillowcase, tone wistful, like trying to remember the lyric to an old song, “the next morning he hugged me goodbye. It held on more than usual. He then tried to kiss me. Told me, he liked me and I just froze. I was so confused ‘cause I thought we were friends. I mean that’s what I told myself. I was an idiot and I pushed him away. Moral of the story is we stopped hanging out as much after that. It sucked but after a while it all kind of faded. But sometimes I think…like when I am alone… I wonder what would have happened if I kissed him back. Would I even be with Sunyoung at all?”  
      
His temple turns wet, flowing down the trail of a pulsing vein, his throat closing up. “But I did like him. I liked him and I fucked it up ‘cause I was so fucking scared of what it would all mean,” the words crack like branches torn from a tree. The heat of Baekhyun’s hands paw at his cheeks and wipe away stray tears. Yixing seeks refuge amongst the dip in his pillow, body jerking out every single cry of regret. Baekhyun chants like a prayer that it will be okay. He rubs at the redness, tries to erase the shame from his skin. His thumb pulls at the flesh of Yixing’s ear, his mouth finding it’s way there to whisper more pleas to stop crying. He takes Yixing in a full embrace, arms wrapping around his ribcage, guiding his head to rest in the nook of his neck.  
      
It’s there Yixing takes in Baekhyun’s scent: like the smell of the air, just after rainfall. He breathes it in and lets it calm the forces breaking him apart inside. Baekhyun’s chest beats against his hands, arms locked against the line of his sternum. Safety cloaks him; lips trickling over the hard corner of Baekhyun’s jaw, “I really wanted to kiss you, Baekhyun” the grip around him tightens.  
      
Moonlight drifts through the sky; it’s gentle, blue light forming soft shadows in the wrinkled sheets. The glass window drums distantly, overtaken by the sound of heavy breaths, grazing across exposed forearms. With the lightest touch, Baekhyun draws a line, cutting through Yixing’s fine arm hairs, feeling softness harden to Goosebumps. The wind howls, calling him to move closer. His hands slowing travel up between them, seeking a place behind Baekhyun’s neck. He likes combing his nails through his hair. Wants to do it now. Forever. Dark curls coil around his knuckles, as Baekhyun’s dark lashes, kiss his under-eye.  
  
With his gaze, Yixing draws a line at the small space between them, not knowing when to cross it. Not knowing if it’s right or if Baekhyun wants to. He counts to five, his hand stretching out and cupping the expanse of Baekhyun’s neck. He moves his weight to his elbow, staring down at Baekhyun, thumbing the side of his cheek and the cartilage of his ear.  
  
Baekhyun turns away, hiding away in the crook of his underarm. He feels Baekhyun breathe out, heat radiating through him and up his shoulder, prickling up the side of his neck. With tender hands, Yixing tries to draw his face back into view and sees tears warping the darkness of his irises.  
  
He pushes the tip of his chilly nose against the firmness of Baekhyun’s cheekbone. Yixing sniffles to take air into his lungs, trying to breathe, trying to be brave. But the fear can’t escape his tumbling whispers.  
      
“Hey, it’s okay if, if y…you don’t want to. I just wanted to let you know ‘kay? Please don’t be upset. It sucks too much”.  
      
“I’m not,” Baekhyun whimpers through thickened saliva, laughing and tears breaking through the threshold of his sanity. “I’m not upset. I’m so fucking glad.” He radiates pure happiness. "I really wanted to kiss you too,” voice cracking through his breathlessness, his thumb pressing slightly into Yixing’s right dimple.  
  
He is all hushed notes and twinkling eyes like chimes in the wind. In a daze Yixing nuzzles their noses, red and dripping from the fever, inching down. Baekhyun’s lips place a small kiss on his the tip of his sniffling nose. Heartfelt gazes swim over each other, jittering just to see.  
      
Yixing’s bashful fingertips play with tangled stands along his forehead and Baekhyun nervously fiddles with his silver earring, signing modest hints to each other, speaking consent.  
  
Their lips meet as if in a dream, obscured by the dark. They fumble to find their place but even so, the unfamiliar touch floods their whole beings with unbounded affection. They turn their heads in sync and there they perfectly fit. With every caress their lips ease into each other like soft clay, falling over wet flesh, saliva tasting sweet. Yixing feels Baekhyun’s ragged breath dance over his upper lip, yearning for those small moments of noses and chins bumping against each other. Yixing’s hand stays firmly at the base of his neck, shoulders hunched into him, too distracted to be parted.  
      
When they do, it’s to make sure what’s happening is real. Baekhyun rolls into Yixing, adoring his heat pressing against his chest. It feels certain when his arms pull Baekhyun closer into an embrace, fitting together like the hardened curves of a wooden puzzle. Bones, resting into each other’s flesh. Yixing’s hands' sprawl out and over Baekhyun’s back, the protrusions of his spine bump through the shirt.  
  
Without looking away, Baekhyun whimpers, “It’s okay to touch me”.  
  
The line, now marked out at the hem of his shirt.  
  
“You sure?”  
  
“Mm-hm…”  
  
Yixing brushes it away, in one graceful movement, hand snaking its way up and over the landscape of bare skin. It feels like fire under his touch. The sound of sheets and jostling leaves outside seem to bleed together. The serene ambience, broken by a deep hum, passionate kisses, lips melting and mouths slightly open as his pinkish tongue licks over Baekhyun’s shivering lips. It all moves in slow motion, like treading ocean water, unknowingly deep in that murky, inky blue.  
      
His muscles ache, pulling in tighter, Baekhyun’s hands caught between their heaving chests, pulling at Yixing’s shirtfront, trying desperately to erase any distance. Every kiss is slow, but the percussion of their chests intricate and rapid. Jitters dance around their insides like static, not knowing what other lines they should cross, so it stays like this the whole night, till birds sing to the morning, their bodies tangled into knots, and noses nuzzling necks, dressed in tear-stained cotton.  
 

   

 

  
~

 

   
  

  
There is a steaming cup of tea seated on the stool by his bed. He has been staring at it, trying to bite away his bright smile. He stares at it as it slowly loses heat, the woody ginseng perfectly warm on his tongue. He doesn’t want to leave the bed yet because he can hear the shower running and he wants to stare at that steam too, as it billows out and spirals up his plaster walls. Watch the fog fade from the mirror so can look back into his own eyes, reflecting the fondness he has for Yixing and the way he makes him cups of tea and lets him sleep through till midday. So he can let his expression burst through and not have to hide behind the clouds of guilt.  
  
“Hello”.

Baekhyun turns under the heat of his sheets to stare at Yixing and the droplets hanging from his lashes, breathing in the scent of heavy vapours.  
  
Yixing walks to the edge of the bed and sits beside him, nervous fingers fiddling with the edge of his damp t-shirt.

“Hello,” he says back with all the hope in his eyes, intertwining his fingers with Yixing’s. Baekhyun could’ve cried when Yixing let it happen, freely and naturally like roots growing into each other, like two notes ringing out in perfect harmony.

“Is this okay?” He asks.

Yixing smiles out a distinct yes.  
  
Heaving himself up, Baekhyun reaches out a hand asking the question again. It touches the soft flesh of cheek as Yixing leans into his touch, answering him with open eyes that catch the morning light, burning strong and confident. Baekhyun's breath catches in his throat, straining with the flutters of exhilaration. His chest feels warm, the sun drawing its rays, streaks of gold against his chest, winding up the line of his neck, Yixing’s fingers brushing the growing pulse of his veins, his stray hairs aglow like a halo, and it reminds Baekhyun of all those times he has caught the light doing beautiful things to Yixing.  
  
Like a dream, the air moves around them like water, afloat at this moment, suspended in clouds of bliss, breathing each other in. So close that their foreheads rest against each other, vision deformed from the proximity. Baekhyun hums out loud. It’s light and airy, full of anticipation, sucking his bottom lip and staring straight into Yixing’s fierce eyes that blur into one.  
  
“You look like a Cyclops…” Baekhyun giggles, sweet and brittle like ginger snaps. He feels Yixing play with his ears; the touch tingles and makes him smile till the bloom in his cheeks heat with the warmth of the sun. Yixing grins too, all deep dimples and fluttery lashes. He closes one eye just so he can flick between left and right, whispering,   
  
“It’s so weird how that works. How two different perspectives blur into one…”  
  
“What do you see when you look at me? [Mike Wizowski](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtWBlDC2-ss) I bet,” Baekhyun chuffs out eyes wide and waiting.  
  
“...I see you Baekhyun”, so serious it almost spooks him, feeling the way Yixing assures him, pushing the tip of his nose to nuzzle against the darkness of his under eyes. His hands moving to Yixing’s hair, stubble prickling under bitten nails. Those words rain down on him, leaving him astonished as they spin around, a tornado of wonder, whirling through his body, rupturing the joints and tendons that hold him together, limbs becoming disembodied, hurling and spinning, reaching some distant world of brightness and saturation, and paths painted in vivid yellows.  
  
He melts at the way Yixing’s soft fingers trace the grain of his eyebrows, outlines the sharpness of his cupid’s bow and caresses the highest points of his cheekbones and pulsing temples, hypnotizing with every touch. He beams happiness, uncontrollable happiness, mind humming with it. Lost in it and completely winded when Yixing kisses him, lingering there, unmoving and peaceful.  
  
“Is this okay?” He asks with tentative speech and Baekhyun bobs his head like a buoy out at sea.  
  
“I hit the pavement when you kiss me” he says in a whisper over a closed eye. He moves back to see him properly, feeling that ballooning anticipation take up space in his chest, slowing inching him off the ground. Yixing smiles back, laughing out deep when he smacks his palm against Baekhyun’s forehead, the rubber inside popping with a bang. It hits him then. That this is real, looking around to see the clouds of steam have completely disappeared.  
  
“Like that?” Yixing jokes, eyes bunching up, lost in the creases of his giggles.  
  
His blush is instant, “No! Like this!” He jibes with a sarcastic bent in his smirk, hitting Yixing back with anything he can. Tickles to the neck pokes at his side and a weak punch to the arm, the shine of his eyes glinting with an uncompromising smile, breaking through, lit by that golden sun of the morning.  
  
It’s gone again when Yixing grabs him by the sides of his face to plant kisses all over. “I’ll pummel you with kisses,” he mumbles as they move over every inch of his features, feverishly and sloppily leaving patches of saliva. Baekhyun loses his breath from laughter, trying to wipe it away with the skin of Yixing’s neck.  
  
But Yixing is unrelenting, pulling him back with a gentle force to give Baekhyun another kiss, this time with purpose. Most likely to pull at his sanity, mind utterly lost in the sensation of teeth pressing into his glossy lip. Yixing slows to a stop, leaving soft kiss at the end of Baekhyun’s nose, holding on to him by the back of his neck, angling his chin up and hoping for more. In the still seconds, Baekhyun breathes in the fragrance of ginseng tea from his half-full mug, reminding him of the heat that passed over his tongue and down his throat.    
  
Yixing sandwiches his cheeks together, feeling them burn hotter, a thumb hovering over the corner of Baekhyun’s lip. “I never noticed you had a mark here…” he whispers as if all to himself, with all the focus and curiosity of an explorer discovering a new world.  
  
“I have lots,” Baekhyun speaks like he's humming a song.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Heaps even”, its meant to come off as boyish but all Baekhyun can do is move his mouth and hope words come out, expression lost to Yixing’s bitten lip.  
  
“Where?”  
  
“Down my neck” he points. “My shoulders. Over my chest”  
  
“Show me”, the smallest smile is spotted in the creases around his eyes.  
  
Baekhyun breathes in heavy, enraptured by the whisper of that playful command. He stretches his arm back behind him and pulls his shirt off, hair pushed forward with the grain. The sun is now Yixing, warming his skin with light touches, plotting out each tiny mark. The one near his rib-cage is the most ticklish and his torso spasms.  
  
Yixing kisses his clavicle and it knocks him down again. Like riding his board down a dangerous slope, the inertia picking up speed and throwing him back, trusting in nature as winds whip across his cheeks and pulls the hair from their roots, arms out and eyes closed about to take off.  
  
He hits the bed hard, falling onto the pavement again, the pain of the impact replaced by the softness of the mattress and Yixing’s hair brushing along his chin. Kisses cover every mark, brain still hurling about in some other universe but fingers grasping on, reminding him that Yixing is actually here, biting down on his neck, and pressing the weight of his body against his own panting chest.  
  
Yixing’s hands are rough, pulling at the skin, fumbling over what to do. Baekhyun gasps at the frantic rubbing against the fabric of his pants. Thick fleece moving over himself, as Yixing’s grip hastily outlines his hard curves and thickening desire. Baekhyun quickly seeks confirmation that this is all okay. And when Baekhyun pulls up Yixing’s face by his ears, he sees a tongue, covered in spit circling the pinkness of his nipple and eyes hooded with need. He wants to kiss him again so he does, that tongue circling his own, hot breath fills his mouth and burns the track of his oesophagus.    
  
His hips push into Yixing’s hand, whimpering out through his nose, holding on tighter as they taste toothpaste and dull notes of ginseng. Baekhyun’s fingers latch onto his back, clawing at damp cotton, twisting the fabric around his pinky. He feels the hardness of Yixing’s back and the way it starts to roll like rickety wheels travelling over bumps in the road.  
  
Yixing’s hands move to his waist, circling thumbs over the faints hairs around Baekhyun’s navel, staring down at where their hips meet. Baekhyun stops to inhale, staring up at his bare ceiling, blinding him with the strength of the sun’s light reflecting down over him. Even the whiteness of his sheets bounces brightness into Yixing’s features, leaving no shadows only luminescent skin and the chestnut brown of his eyes pigmented with warmth.  
  
“What do you want to do?” Yixing asks.  
  
Baekhyun draws back the hair hovering over Yixing’s eyes, “I don’t care what we do. Anything is enough”.  
  
“I like you so much, Baekhyun” and he keens at the hand and its heat that slips past the elastic hugging his hips. The fingers that softly run down his length, catching the wetness and taking it along with them, until Yixing’s whole hand curls around Baekhyun’s cock. He knows that this is all unfolding in this world. That it’s all tangible and real but the moment Yixing kisses him, it no longer matters. Wherever his mind is, whatever plain of existence he is inhabiting, Yixing likes him back. So he gives in to his dream, holds him close wanting to merge into him, panting out his name over and over, whispering it against Yixing’s lips and into the canal of his ear, licking the space by his jaw and sucking his slippery, tongue into his hot mouth.  
  
Over and over he says his name until he hears his own, broken at the back of Yixing’s throat when Baekhyun touches him back, fisting him with his spit, watching as Yixing loses his voice to the pleasure, their tongues slipping through the cracks of their open mouths. Whispering his name, like an echo from that other world, again until he becomes completely undone, feeling every limb reconnecting in that immense elation, that still couldn’t rival the small smiles Yixing gives him when they cuddle together, phasing out the mess and the sun’s light as it moves across the floor, till the last of its rays burn the cracked paint adorning the edges of the window pane.

    

 

 

  
~

 

 

   
  

“I think I might like boys too...”  
  
Sunyoung takes a long sip of her Americano, until its just ice rattling together, filling her silence. Yixing didn’t for a second look up, eyes trained at the menu. Analyzing the escalating prices, cancelling out anything out he can’t afford, while dabbing his finger, picking up fine granules of raw sugar, split from the coffee, too bitter for his taste.  
  
The base of the chair is hard, pressing into his bones, aching up through his back and he can’t help but feel sick with fear, waiting for a response. He fails to recognize the waitress, notepad in hand, awaiting his answer—  
  
“We’ll have a slice of your most expensive cake. With two forks please!” Sunyoung interjects. Yixing offers a look of meek gratitude, slipping his eyes up to see Sunyoung and her lips tugging up into the smallest grin.  
  
Her phone sounds off, and Yixing recognizes that is now different from a mechanic beep he is used to, replaced by the sound of a sweet, bird chirp. Her eyes divert to the screen as she taps against the glass to reply.  
  
In the mess of emotions, Yixing glances over at a crying baby, it’s mother rocking it against her bosom, shushing its forehead to stop. A man with gentle hands takes the baby in his grip by the underarms and playfully tosses the bundle of tears into the air until Yixing hears jubilant giggles, noticing the look of relief and gaze full love of a mother adoring her family.  
  
It’s bittersweet, kind of understanding now what Baekhyun meant. Could that ever be him now?  
  
Sunyoung slips off her jacket revealing a graphic tee. It’s the one she wore on their first date. He remembers because she told him she liked customizing her own clothes, pulling them apart and mixing them back together. But this particular one was special. One of those iron on, transferable photographs of a cloud, dappled sky she captured from the window of her grandmother’s farmhouse. She died the following summer. Sunyoung was devastated and it was the first time he ever saw her cry until her voice ran raw—  
  
“You are gonna starve if you keep staring at the food Yixing”  
  
His eyelashes flutter to life, taking in a decadent slice of layered sponge and topped with the brightest pink and crystalline pansies infused with hues of deep indigo, and accents of sunshine yellow.  
  
He pokes out his hand from the pawed cuff of his sleeve, picking up a silver fork and letting their spikes sink into dense cake. It’s creamy and the icing bites the corners of his tongue with citrus. It’s delicious and he can hear Sunyoung hum with delight as she sucks her fork clean.  
  
At the counter, Sunyoung stops him before he grabs his wallet from faded jeans, worn from nervous ticks and it’s home on bedroom floors.  
  
“I’ve got this,” she smiles again and Yixing doesn’t know why. He watches her pay for the both of them, catches the cashier’s hand linger against her palm, joking with her when the coins fall from his grasp and roll to the ground.  
  
He expects to feel a pang of something. But there is nothing. Nothing swelling inside him, telling him to hold her by the shoulder and plant a kiss on her cheek as he would have before. He just lets it all unfold as if it was happening to a stranger. A stranger he hopes is happy.  
  
Outside they linger next to the window front, not knowing if they should shake hands or hug good-bye. Sunyoung regards him for a moment as the warm breeze blows through her hair, now dyed the colour of raspberries and cropped short, dancing over the apples of her bare cheeks.  
  
“Baekhyun is important to you. Isn’t he?”  
  
Yixing’s eyes soften, feeling heat spread involuntarily at the mention of his name. He can’t hide the undeniable agreement of his expression. Doesn’t want to anymore.  
  
He has kissed him uncontrollably, probably a hundred times since and that’s the only reason he tries to apologize, slowly opening his dry mouth to say “sorry—“  
  
Sunyoung nods in understanding, eyes trying to remain optimistic and happy for him. His eyes though, sting, lips twisting up in his teeth because she is being the kindest and he still has this chunk of his mind that thinks he didn’t deserve it.  
  
“We should do this again” she sniffles, “you know... meet up, eat cake!”  
  
“It was a really good cake,” voice small and squeaking from lingering awkwardness.  
  
“It was wasn’t it?”  
  
Yixing breaks into genuine, honking laughter, as she salivates like Homer Simpson does over pink, frosted doughnuts.  
  
“Good bye Xingie” she calls out from the taxi window, hands waving about. Yixing stands firmly on the sidewalk, waving back finding it all too melancholic as she drives away, knowing that’s the last time he’ll hear her use that term of endearment. He hopes not.  
  
Under a shaky breath, he utters back, “Goodbye Sunnie”.

   

 

 

 

 

 

_a while away_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  

 

SY: Hey [Oh Hyuk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAdQyx88k7E),  
This is Sunyoung. Yixing gave me your number?  
I hope he has told you about me otherwise this is very awkward

  
OH: hi.  
Yixing did mention you would reach out, yes

  
SY: Great! I don’t know if you remember but I was there at that gig. The one at The Factory.  
I saw you play there and never got to say how great you were  
I bought one of your tapes

  
  
OH: Yes I remember  
And thank you, yeah. You might have been the only one. haha

  
SY: Well he told me you wrote your own songs  
I’ve been getting back into it myself and wanted to know your opinion on some of my ideas  
Maybe pick your brain a bit, if you are too busy that’s fine

  
OH: No, I’m not too busy at all.  
Do you want to meet sometime on the weekend?

  
SY: That would be great!

  
OH: Cool. You sing too right?

  
SY: I do!

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
  

 

“Stop fucking tickling me!”  
  
Baekhyun bites down on Yixing’s thighs again, choosing not to listen as he tries to squirm his way out of the paralyzing sensation, his butt sinking further down the sofa cushions until he is falling off the edge, bare ass dropping onto the dusty carpet.  
  
“But you said you liked biting,” Baekhyun jests, acting like a know it all. He hides his smirk against Yixing’s skin, lips trailing over fine hairs, nosing along the impressions of his teeth. Yixing can’t move, fixed with the force of Baekhyun’s grip at his waist, playing with the loose fit of his faded [Smiths](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnpILIIo9ek) t-shirt, Sunyoung had sent him from London along with a postcard of the River Themes at night.    
  
With an aching rib-cage, and no room left to breathe, he helplessly watches Beakhyun open his mouth and chomp down at the flesh closest to his softened cock, laughter huffing through his nose when Yixing starts to scream, using his legs as a last resort, “Hahaha! Please no, you fucker!!” But Baekhyun manoeuvres his way out of it, straddling Yixing instead to blow at his neck, as the sensation rattles down his spine, “Since you asked so nicely” he  
  
“You are such an asshole,” Yixing breathlessly hums when kisses replace the light puffs of air.  
  
“ _Me_?” Baekhyun points sarcastically to himself.  
  
“Yes, _you_!” he grins back, unable to hold onto any malice watching as Baekhyun makes an exaggerated expression of apology, performed with the cringe of a squeaky voice.  
  
“I just want to see my Xing-ie smile”  
  
“Ew! Don’t, you sound like a baby”.  
  
Baekhyun replies by contracting his neck down to his chest, “How about now?” The pitch of his voice two octaves lower.  
  
“I like your voice”, he says, laughter in his eyes.   
  
“I don’t think I could keep this up though,” Baekhyun still playing along with the depth of his tone.  
  
“I like everything about you” Yixing stretches his neck to reach his lips to Baekhyun’s, their rubbery texture catching as they softly touch and tease a kiss.  
  
One of his favourite [songs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG0SsZFL5ZY) plays from his laptop speakers, tinny and distant, echoing through their microscopic apartment, fitted with just enough room for a couch and kitchen. Their desk is their dining table taken up by Yixing’s keyboards and mixers, their bed an assemblage of mats that they lay on during early nights and are packed away during the day. They live on top of each other and it’s the greatest. Yixing’s almost forgotten which button up shirt is his or who put which hole in which sock. They at least make an effort to fold them up, hidden behind the sliding door of a wardrobe, Baekhyun’s skateboards propped up against it.  
  
Yixing breathes everything in. The dust coated over their CD collection, and the fragrance of the coffee they spilt during breakfast. Of the sweat drying in his hair and his cum breathing from Baekhyun’s mouth. He takes in the pressure of Baekhyun’s pelvis pushing into him as his hands caress his hairy legs, looking into Baekhyun’s eyes and seeing them blossom with affection, catching Yixing off guard every time.  
  
“I love everything about,” he starts again, with the most sincerity.  
  
“You have the most beautiful grain to your voice. I hear it best when it goes all airy and high pitched. Like when you laugh or... moan for me,” averting his eyes at the mention. Baekhyun finally still and listens.  
  
“When you make a joke your lips pull to one side like your trying to hide the fact you think you’re hilarious and your voice... it becomes animated. You become different people. Different characters, taking on their quirks, changing the shape of your mouth to sound out different syllables...” his rambles falter as if he loses his place on a page of a book, filled with notes detailing every little observation Yixing had made about him.

“... It’s just, I don’t know. It’s dynamic. Beautiful…And when it’s just you, talking unaffected about work or the weather that grain hides in the natural depth of your voice. I like hearing it rumble against my ear. It tingles in the best way,” illustrating the feeling with twiddling fingers by his lobe. Baekhyun caresses the curve of Yixing’s cheek and traces the shape of his lips when they move again. “I could listen to you forever, just the way you are…because I love you. I love you Baekhyun”.  
  
Hands slap over Baekhyun’s face, and Yixing wants to laugh at the adorable attempt to hide away the embarrassment. But then, his shoulder start to shake and the familiar sound of sniffling nose draws Yixing’s brow together.  
  
“Hey what’s wrong?” Worry running through him as he rubs his hands against Baekhyun’s convulsing rib-cage. Finally, he stutters back, blubbering his words with uneven breaths and snot dribbling down his nose, “I l-l-love you t-too. S-so fucking m-m-much. I didn’t think it was p-possi-ble,” the last syllable popping on a hiccup, Baekhyun desperately rubbing away the tears with entire palms and the backs of his fingers, “you are so perfect, you shit!”  
  
It’s the first time they say it out loud. Yixing thinks he has always thought about loving him, secretly in the back of his mind. Probably ever since that first meeting when Baekhyun latched onto him with his comforting conversation and warm, friendly smiles.

Yixing howls with laughter, lips flapping together as he tries to kiss the redness from Baekhyun’s cheeks away, feeling arms wrap around his neck tightly, ‘till he is breathing in nothing but Baekhyun, letting it condense into the finest powder so it can seep through his pores and enter his blood stream and become him. He holds Baekhyun back tighter; to let him know, wanting him to feel the blood pump through him, hear it rush as they sway in each other's arms like twisted branches in a gentle wind.

 


	9. Bonus

 

AL: My New fav <[song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QfUuVyJlbg)>

 

SY: Yes! i put this on the playlist at the shop. I want to put this <[one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lveqodcepjs)> on too

I'm trying to just take over and become the resident DJ

 

AL: Do you take requests?

 

SY: I trust your judgement

 

AL: <[Rina Sawayama](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKLxvdFtlZE)> PLEASE. She blesses with her 90's vibes

 

SY: WHY HAVE YOU NOT SHOWED ME THIS BEFORE!!

 

AL: <[This> ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0M3iIf2wdg)and <[this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_S0qCeA-pc)>

 

SY: THANK YOU! I've been listening to <[this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy1euP4UTJQ)> quite a bit because I love Bjork and her weirdness. it sounds better with headphones and my girl <[WEdnesday.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_epnF4YjQo)>

The chorus goes hard and <[this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KP0r5LSbWL4)>

 

AL: I love this charlie <[banger](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JV3eoboDv2g)>

we need to go see more live music i want to go see <[SUMIN](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iywrt6oPH1s)>

 

SY: I know!!!!!

 

AL: TBH it is what you are born to do

 

SY: i know i know. I'll get there.

 

AL: And remember I'll always be your number one fan! no matter what

 

SY: Yes amber, I'll share my fortune with you

 

AL: phew! i hoped you would read between the lines

 

SY: love you too

 

 

 

 

~

 

 

 

BB: I' cant sleep WAKE UPPP

WAKE UP  
  
HELP ME SLEEP

 

YX: HEy!I was just about to sleep but here's me thinking my phone going off meant there was some dire emergency

 

BB: I don't see the issue. This is an emergency

 

YX: i listen to <[this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j1mVJKmPYU)> to help me sleep and <[this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJ0I-w7MxG4)> track. i like all the little crackly stat-icky sounds

 

BB: oooooo yeah that good. thanks.

 

YX: it's cool. Why can't you sleep though?

 

BB: Just a busy headCan't settleI also fucked up at work a bit and had my supervisor up my ass about it

 

YX: When i get bad phone calls at work I always sneak an earbud into my ear. Helps me relax

 

BB: What is your go to song?

 

YX: Usually its this <[track](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQ2qEah8Fns)> because it's super bouncy, has lots of energy and just makes me feel happy. Stuff like that helps me get through some really fucking boring shifts.

 

BB: I will listen to all these. Keep them coming!

 

YX: Okay. This <[track](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBLybGZN_ek)> just feels good. Like its giving my eardrums a massage. The music video is cool too.

What other stuff do you listen to? I know that one song you always sing

 

BB: You mean the Internet? i love them < _[*they gon' get us to Come together*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwNzYacMWws)> _ I also am obsessed with <[BBNG](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZ3XrlMQYDc)>

 

YX: I should listen to this more

 

BB: I really like this guy <[Kamasi Washington](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-e6mOTK__Y)>

I love listening to <[this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-U70dLy5des)> when i skate at night. you'd like it cause its all sample based. 

 

YX: Awesome. thanks BAek

I forgot. <[Thi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjnAE5go9dI)s> is really nice for sleep too. It's considered a classic

yeah what else do you listen to?

 

BB: well mostly i just listen to rap because it makes me feel like a badass even when i'm not hhahahabut this [beat](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXJc2NYwHjw) pretty much sums it up. I first saw it on like some music channel when i was really young, cause i have some distant relatives that live in the US that we visited for a vacation. I committed it to memory.

 

YX: Did you get to see them on your most recent trip?

 

BB: yeah but its kind of awkward without my mum there you know.? They are a lot older than me and have kids and stuff.

 

YX: Fair enough

 

BB: I'm enjoying everything you've sent me

 

YX: Me too

 

BB: i'm getting tired but i don't want to go to sleep now

 

YX: then listen to [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKzWLUQizz8). it should keep you up

 

BB: AHHH. my ears!!! i had the volume up so loud to listen to all that chill music!!

 

YX: i mean i did give you warning

 

BB: even virtually you still want to hurt me

 

YX: I GAVE YOU WARNING

 

BB: sorry can't hear you

 

YX: good night

 

BB: no waiT!!

 

 


End file.
